Is My Anxiety Just a Personal Flaw? Mental Health Struggles

Q: Is My Anxiety Just a Personal Flaw? Mental Health Struggles

Hello, A-Mao： You've worked hard! I can sense your worry about being judged by others with every move you make, as well as your desire to present a perfect image in front of others. <br>Everyone needs affirmation from others, but if you care too much about others' opinions, you o

Is it my fault that I often feel anxious?

Hello, doctor.
I am currently a high school freshman, and I often experienced feelings of nervousness and anxiety during middle school.
When interacting with others, I frequently worry whether my behavior is appropriate for a friend, or if my words might negatively affect them, making them dislike me.
I also feel that the people around me do not care about me, and that my existence is insignificant to them, which makes me wish I could just disappear.
If someone overlooks something I say, I interpret it as a sign that they do not care about me, and that I am not needed or missed by them.
I know this way of thinking is incorrect; they may have their own reasons for their actions, but I cannot stop these thoughts.
I feel trapped in a dead end, and this mindset causes me a lot of pain and has led to the loss of many friendships.

When facing responsibilities (like assignments from teachers or exam results), I demand perfection from myself, and my mind keeps repeating, "What should I do?" I often experience scalp tingling and a feeling of heaviness in my head, as well as a sensation of something stuck in my throat.
There have been times when I felt pressure in my chest and struggled to breathe, as if I forgot how to breathe altogether, which terrifies me.
I am afraid of experiencing this again.

I usually do not dare to share my feelings with others; I always want to be a good "friend" or "family member," but keeping everything bottled up is very uncomfortable, and I lack the courage to speak up.
I fear that if I express my feelings, no one will care about me, and I won't receive the concern I desire.
I constantly criticize myself and am afraid of myself; I often suppress my emotions and cry secretly at night.
I am scared of being discovered, as I feel that being found out would mean I am not considered "normal" in others' eyes.
However, my grades have been declining recently, and my body feels sore every day, which is exhausting.

Is this situation due to my personal inability to cope? I feel like I must be a "normal" person.
Those around me say I am overthinking things.
I have tried to reach out for help, but everyone tells me it’s my fault and that I need to change my mindset, which I truly find difficult to do.
I have taken some tests online, but it seems that those with anxiety disorders are in worse situations than I am.
I want to see a doctor, but I am concerned about the costs and the potential trouble it might cause my parents.
I also fear that if I go and find out I am not actually ill, it would be contradictory.
Thank you, doctor, for taking the time to answer my questions.
I appreciate your effort.
Thank you.

A Mao, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/04/16

Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry

Hello, A-Mao: You've worked hard! I can sense your worry about being judged by others with every move you make, as well as your desire to present a perfect image in front of others.
Everyone needs affirmation from others, but if you care too much about others' opinions, you often have to face them with an inauthentic self, which can be exhausting.
This is likely why you often feel so tense and anxious.
If you could affirm yourself before seeking validation from others, your anxiety levels could significantly decrease.
That said, I understand that self-affirmation may not be easy for you.
Why is that? It could be related to your personality, your parents' upbringing, and your experiences growing up.
The true reasons need to be discussed with a healthcare professional who can help clarify things for you.
Visiting a psychiatrist doesn't have to be expensive; as long as you choose a healthcare facility that accepts health insurance, the costs should be manageable for most people.
Seeing a doctor doesn't necessarily mean you need medication, nor does it imply that you are ill.
I've encountered many individuals in my practice who aren't sick but come in due to temporary stressors that they can't adapt to right away.
Sometimes, just a few sessions of discussion or counseling can be enough, and they may not need to return afterward.
Therefore, I still recommend that you seek professional help.
Wishing you peace and happiness!

Reply Date: 2020/04/16

More Info

It's clear from your message that you're experiencing significant anxiety and emotional distress, which can be overwhelming and isolating. First, I want to assure you that what you're feeling is not just a personal flaw; it's a common struggle that many people face, especially during the challenging teenage years. Anxiety, particularly social anxiety, can manifest in various ways, including excessive worry about how others perceive you, fear of judgment, and a constant need for reassurance.
Your concerns about your interactions with friends and the fear of being perceived as unworthy or irrelevant are indicative of social anxiety. This condition often leads individuals to overanalyze their social interactions and feel inadequate, even when there is no evidence to support those feelings. It's important to recognize that these thoughts, while distressing, do not reflect reality. People often have their own lives and concerns, and their actions may not be a reflection of their feelings towards you.

The physical symptoms you describe—such as tightness in your chest, difficulty breathing, and feelings of pressure—are also common manifestations of anxiety. These symptoms can be alarming and may lead to panic attacks, which can further exacerbate your fear of social situations. It's crucial to understand that these physical responses are part of the anxiety cycle and can be managed with appropriate strategies and support.

You mentioned feeling the need to be a "good friend" or "good family member," which can create immense pressure. This pressure can lead to suppressing your own emotions and needs, resulting in feelings of isolation and sadness. It's essential to find a balance between being supportive to others and taking care of your own mental health. Remember, it's okay to express your feelings and seek support from those around you. True friends and family will want to know how you're feeling and will appreciate your honesty.

Regarding your concerns about seeking professional help, it's understandable to feel apprehensive about the cost and the stigma associated with mental health issues. However, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Many schools offer counseling services that are free or low-cost, and there are community resources available as well. A mental health professional can provide you with coping strategies tailored to your specific situation and help you understand your feelings better.

It's also worth noting that comparing your struggles to others can be counterproductive. Everyone's experience with anxiety is unique, and your feelings are valid regardless of how they compare to someone else's. The fact that you're seeking answers and trying to understand your feelings is a positive step forward.

In the meantime, consider implementing some self-care strategies to help manage your anxiety. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and journaling can help you process your emotions and reduce anxiety levels. Engaging in physical activity, whether it's a sport, walking, or yoga, can also be beneficial for your mental health.

Lastly, remember that you are not alone in this journey. Many people experience similar feelings, and there is support available. Don't hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can help you navigate this challenging time. Your mental health is important, and taking steps to address your feelings is a crucial part of your overall well-being.

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