Am I Struggling with Adjustment Disorder? My Mental Health

Am I experiencing adjustment disorder? This makes me feel like I'm not doing well?

I am a first-year master's student, and since entering the program, I have been feeling very depressed.
I have checked various depression scales online, and my scores have reached the highest levels.
Since my freshman year, I have often felt inexplicably annoyed.
Recently, my mood has deteriorated to the point where it affects my daily life, prompting me to see a doctor.
During my visit, I only mentioned that I have been feeling very depressed and anxious since starting my master's program, and that I have engaged in self-harming behavior in the past month or two.
In the moment of self-harm, I didn't understand why I was doing it, but the next day I felt embarrassed and could only wear long sleeves when going out.
I visited the school counselor once, but the counselor said I might be experiencing mild depression.
However, the doctor diagnosed me with "Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood." When I saw that diagnosis, I felt really terrible and questioned why I was having adjustment issues.

I find myself contemplating whether my life has any meaning.
Since childhood, I have made significant decisions (like choosing my university major) based on the expectations of my family elders, and I feel like I am no longer myself.
When asked about my strengths, personality, and interests, I can only respond with "I don't know." As a result, I constantly think about whether I should end my life.
One day, my mood was so low (because my presentation at school was really poor, and I felt everyone looked down on me) that I went out and bought a rope and even tied it up, but I wasn't ready to go through with it (I still can't bear to make my family sad or to leave my landlord unable to rent out the apartment).
Right now, I am completely unable to think positively.
I know I should be able to do that, but I can't.
When I saw the diagnosis of adjustment disorder, I thought: why is it adjustment disorder? I would rather see a diagnosis of depression; having adjustment issues makes me feel really inadequate.

I apologize if my questions seem a bit disorganized and illogical, but my thoughts have been really troubling lately.
During exams and presentations, my mind goes completely blank.
I don't expect to become happy; I just hope to perform at an average level academically, but even that feels incredibly difficult for me right now.

Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/12/11

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
Whether it is adjustment disorder or depression, the text reveals a long-term struggle with negative emotions.
I hope you will continue with outpatient follow-up treatment to facilitate improvement.
Please also take care of yourself and avoid self-harming behaviors.
If you experience distress during this process, you can call the 1925 mental health hotline for online counseling, which should be helpful.

Reply Date: 2022/12/11

More Info

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you are experiencing. Based on your description, it seems that you may indeed be struggling with Adjustment Disorder, particularly with mixed depressive and anxious symptoms. This condition often arises when individuals face significant life changes or stressors that they find difficult to cope with, leading to emotional distress and impairment in functioning.

Adjustment Disorder can manifest in various ways, including feelings of sadness, anxiety, and difficulty concentrating, which you have mentioned. The fact that you have been feeling low since entering graduate school and that your mental health has deteriorated to the point of self-harm is concerning. Self-harm is often a coping mechanism for emotional pain, but it is crucial to find healthier ways to manage these feelings.

Your feelings of inadequacy and the pressure you feel from family expectations can contribute significantly to your mental health struggles. It’s not uncommon for individuals in academic settings, especially at the graduate level, to experience heightened stress and anxiety. The pressure to perform well can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, especially if you feel that your self-worth is tied to your academic success.

It’s important to understand that experiencing Adjustment Disorder does not mean you are "less than" or that you have failed in any way. It is a recognized mental health condition that many people face when dealing with significant life changes. The key is to seek support and treatment to help you navigate these feelings and develop coping strategies.

You mentioned that you have already sought help from a doctor and a counselor, which is a positive step. It may be beneficial to continue this path and consider more regular therapy sessions. A mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings, help you understand the root causes of your distress, and work with you to develop coping strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one effective approach that can help you challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier ways of thinking.

Additionally, it’s essential to prioritize self-care during this time. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness or relaxation techniques, and maintaining a healthy routine can significantly impact your mental well-being. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends or family members who understand your struggles can also provide a sense of belonging and comfort.

If you ever feel that your thoughts of self-harm or suicide become overwhelming, please reach out for immediate help. Crisis hotlines and mental health services are available to provide support in those moments. You are not alone in this, and there are people who care and want to help you through this difficult time.

In summary, while it seems you may be experiencing Adjustment Disorder, it’s crucial to continue seeking professional help and support. You are taking important steps by recognizing your feelings and reaching out for assistance. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and with the right support, you can work towards feeling better and finding meaning in your life again.

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