How to Approach Mental Health Concerns with a Resistant Parent

Could you please provide me with some guidance?

My three sisters and I have been wanting to take our mother to see a psychiatrist, but my sister previously suggested it to her, which backfired and led our mother to accuse her of needing to see a doctor instead.
Our mother cannot accept criticism from anyone, even when we argue with her.
There was a time when she had a fight with my dad and started throwing things, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I said to her, "Are you going crazy?" As a result, a chair came flying at me.
She was furious that I would say she was crazy.
No matter who is right or wrong, we are always expected to side with her.

Currently, she is constantly suspicious that my dad is still involved with another woman.
I can understand her insecurity, but it has escalated to the point where she has been threatening to kill my dad, even waving a knife in front of him, saying that if he continues to push her, she will kill him.
She has even splashed gasoline on him.
I was completely taken aback and don't know what to do.
Moreover, my mother only believes outsiders; she claims that we only harm her and that only outsiders are good to her.
The way she describes her situation to her friends is completely inconsistent with how she behaves in front of us.

What I am saying is not entirely complete; the real situation is very complex, and I am just summarizing her recent behavior.
Please, doctor, help me figure out how to handle this.
It is completely impossible for us to take her to see a doctor; she would never cooperate.

Xiao Qian, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/03/18

Dr. Tang Xinbei reply Psychiatry

Dear Xiaoqian,
I apologize for the delay in my response over the past two months due to work commitments.
Based solely on your description, I cannot determine whether your mother has a mental illness, but it seems that some of her behaviors and fixed ideas have caused significant distress for you and your sisters.

It may be helpful to find a trusted friend or relative whom your mother believes in, and share your concerns with them.
They could assist in communicating with her and even accompany her to a mental health facility for an evaluation.
You might also try to communicate with her in a caring and empathetic manner, for example: "Mom, we understand that you feel angry and unable to forget some of Dad's past behaviors.
However, some of your words and actions are making us worried and scared.
We hope to accompany you to receive psychological counseling together to help address the past."
Of course, if your mother's behavior indicates "self-harm or harm to others" as defined by mental health laws, or if she is "unable to manage her own affairs," causing significant distress and threats, I recommend contacting the public health nurse at your local health department or the police or fire department for assistance.
They can help facilitate a more involuntary admission to a designated mental health facility for a comprehensive evaluation and necessary treatment by a specialist.
Once again, I apologize for the delayed response.
Wishing you peace, joy, and all the best!

Reply Date: 2005/03/18

More Info

Dealing with a parent who is resistant to mental health treatment can be incredibly challenging, especially when their behavior escalates to the point of threatening violence. It sounds like your mother is experiencing significant emotional distress, which is manifesting in anxiety, paranoia, and potentially aggressive behavior. This situation is not only distressing for her but also for you and your sisters, as you navigate the complexities of family dynamics and mental health.

First and foremost, it’s essential to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. Your mother may be feeling overwhelmed by her emotions and may perceive any suggestion of seeking help as a personal attack. This is a common reaction among individuals struggling with mental health issues, as they often feel vulnerable and defensive. Here are some strategies you might consider:
1. Choose the Right Moment: Timing is crucial when discussing sensitive topics. Try to find a calm moment when your mother is not in a heightened emotional state. Avoid bringing up the topic during or immediately after an argument, as this may lead to further defensiveness.

2. Use “I” Statements: When discussing your concerns, frame your observations in a way that focuses on your feelings rather than placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You need to see a doctor,” you might say, “I feel really worried about you and I want to help.” This approach can reduce feelings of being attacked and may open the door to a more constructive conversation.

3. Normalize Mental Health Care: Try to normalize the idea of seeking help by discussing mental health in a broader context. You might share stories of friends or public figures who have sought therapy or counseling, emphasizing that it’s a sign of strength to seek help when needed.

4. Involve a Trusted Third Party: Sometimes, hearing concerns from someone outside the family can be more impactful. If there’s a family friend, relative, or even a therapist that your mother trusts, consider asking them to talk to her about her feelings and the importance of seeking help.

5. Focus on Specific Behaviors: Instead of labeling her behavior as “crazy” or “insane,” focus on specific actions that concern you. For instance, you could express your worry about her safety or the safety of others when she threatens violence. This can help her see that your concerns are about well-being rather than judgment.

6. Safety First: Given the threats of violence, it’s crucial to prioritize safety. If you ever feel that your mother poses an immediate threat to herself or others, do not hesitate to contact emergency services. It’s better to err on the side of caution in situations involving potential harm.

7. Seek Professional Guidance: If your mother is resistant to seeking help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional yourself. They can provide you with strategies to cope with the situation and may offer insights into how to approach your mother more effectively.

8. Set Boundaries: While it’s important to support your mother, it’s equally important to protect your own mental health. If her behavior becomes too overwhelming or abusive, it may be necessary to set boundaries regarding what you are willing to tolerate.

9. Encourage Small Steps: If she is open to the idea, suggest starting with small steps, such as talking to a counselor or attending a support group. Sometimes, the idea of seeing a psychiatrist can feel too daunting, but a less formal setting might be more acceptable.

10. Be Patient: Change takes time, especially when it comes to mental health. Your mother may not be ready to seek help immediately, and that’s okay. Continue to express your love and concern without pressure, and let her know that you are there for her when she is ready.

In conclusion, navigating mental health concerns within a family, especially with a resistant parent, requires a delicate balance of empathy, patience, and assertiveness. It’s crucial to prioritize safety and seek professional guidance when necessary. Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are resources available to help both you and your mother through this difficult time.

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