Am I Sick? Mental Health Struggles and Seeking Help - Psychiatry

Are you feeling unwell?

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Hello Dr.
Lin,
Actually, I'm not sure how to describe my situation because it feels like I haven't moved past certain events, even things that happened in my childhood still resurface at times.
It's quite lengthy, and I apologize for trying to condense it.
My family members express their emotions very directly.
My father tells me that having a daughter is useless, my uncle laughs at me saying, "How come you're so bad at science?" My aunt comments on everything, as if she needs to prove how great she is.
As a child, I couldn't handle their ridicule and often questioned myself, wondering if I was really that stupid or inadequate.
I even reflected on why I was a girl.
When I got angry at their teasing, my aunt said I had a "princess syndrome," implying that I couldn't handle being mocked, so they needed to tease me more to "train" me.

In middle school, I transferred schools due to a strict teacher, and after I left, two or three classmates also transferred because of that teacher.
At my new middle school, I wanted to give myself a fresh start, so I set a psychological goal to redefine my personality, forcing myself to be cheerful and rational (which is quite funny, haha).
I also created a hypothetical rival to motivate myself academically, always feeling that I could achieve something significant.
I was a class monitor for two years, but in my final year, I had poor relationships with my peers, perhaps due to my arrogance.

I got into a girls' high school, which everyone praised, but I began to question why I needed to study and why a good job equated to happiness in life.
So, I transferred to a religious school where leaving was only allowed during winter and summer breaks.
At that school, I was often misunderstood by teachers, which affected my emotions negatively.
Some classmates would come to me and say, "You have too much karma," which, although perhaps well-intentioned, only added fuel to the fire.
I once skipped class and cried during group activities, and for the last two years, I was almost always in an emotional state.

What troubled me even more was why the deity I believed in didn't come to save me.
Was everything I learned in school a lie? During mock exams, I wondered why my middle school grades were so good, yet I was struggling in high school.
After the college entrance exams, I left my application blank and decided to retake the exams.
The pressure and atmosphere of that year were intense, and even when I eventually got into a good national university, I found myself uninterested in my major.
I had to retake the exams at home, and my uncle once told me in Taiwanese, "You’ve lost face." My father was also unwilling to provide any help, saying it was fine to attend a private university later, but I questioned what all my hard work was for if I sacrificed time with friends and leisure activities.

When I got to university, I moved out and rarely returned home.
Later, I worked at a massage shop for the visually impaired and started dating a visually impaired boyfriend.
However, when I learned that a girl I used to compete with in elementary school was studying for her master's degree abroad, all my inner voices erupted.
Why was my family unfair to me? Why could my family speak irresponsibly, while I worried about being mocked during every exam, even when I was first in my class? Why did my life end up like this? My emotions fluctuated for weeks, especially around my boyfriend, where I often felt more burdened than other girls.
There were times I would suddenly lash out at him in the middle of the night, hitting him and banging my head against the wall because I truly didn't understand why my life was like this.

During those weeks, I decided to give myself a long break, especially since I felt invisible in university and often worried about being excluded by classmates.
So, I decided to take a long break, not thinking about anything, just wanting to relax because, even though I’m only 23, I felt exhausted and devoid of energy for the future.
Although this summer, I finally stopped working and felt much more relaxed, I still fear that I seem particularly straightforward and struggle to handle certain situations, often finding myself in a negative state for weeks.
Because of my high school experiences, I distrust anyone labeled as a teacher or classmate.
While working, I realized that people live based on others' moods; even if you are right, if your supervisor dislikes you, you become wrong, leading to a general distrust of everyone.
Past grievances keep resurfacing.
What should I do? Am I sick? If I seek treatment from a psychiatrist, will it affect my future applications for civil service or healthcare positions?

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Melody123, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/04/14