Coping with a Family Member's Anger and Destructive Behavior

When a family member is angry and throws things or yells, what should you do?

Because we have guests coming over every day to chat and drink tea, my brother finds them very noisy.
As a result, he throws things, hits the walls, and curses.
The household clock, the glass on the door, the fan, and even the computer monitor that he just broke are all casualties of his outbursts.
Initially, my mom scolded him, but later she tried to communicate with him, explaining that my dad doesn’t have any particular hobbies aside from chatting and drinking tea with friends every day.
I really think that when the door is closed, the noise level is manageable.
If he truly cannot tolerate it, we suggested he move to the second floor to use the computer, and we even ran an internet cable up there (yes, he spends his days playing on his phone, using the computer, eating, and sleeping).
However, he has not changed his behavior.
Recently, I finally witnessed how he treats our parents, and I could no longer tolerate it.
Not only did he destroy household items, but he also spoke disrespectfully to our parents.
In that moment, I couldn't help but yell at him, but later my mom asked me to hold back, saying that reacting this way would only make things worse.
I searched online for articles, most of which suggested that family support and companionship or seeking medical help are important.
However, now even my mom's concern is met with his dismissive response: "What’s it to you?" My mom even mentioned that she doesn’t know how long it has been since he last called her "Mom." In fact, my mom has been the most tolerant family member towards him.
She often chats with us and shows concern for our well-being, while my dad has always taken a more hands-off approach to our upbringing.
But recently, he has also been unable to hold back his frustration and has scolded my brother.
Our family is very liberal and open with the children.
My brother has never had a job since he was young, and when asked about his future plans, he just says he doesn’t know.
My parents work hard every day without complaint, only hoping for a harmonious home.
My mom consulted a psychiatrist who indicated that unless the individual is willing to seek help, there’s not much they can do.
I have also tried to calmly tell him that his behavior clearly indicates issues with emotional regulation and encouraged him to seek medical assistance, but he ignores me.
Perhaps he doesn’t even realize he is unwell.
Our family has made great efforts to listen to his thoughts and communicate with him, but he remains silent and we try not to put any pressure on him, hoping he can live a normal life and eventually support himself.
However, his current actions have already caused anxiety and panic in our home.
Today, he threw things again, and I fear that one day he might hurt himself or someone else.
I really don’t know what to do.
Seeing my parents’ worried faces, I feel helpless.
So I want to ask the doctor, what should I do?

Yi, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/07/21

Dr. Zhong Mingxun reply Psychiatry

As an adult, my brother should learn to take responsibility for himself.
We should provide him with support and encouragement, but not enable him.
After discussing and reaching a consensus with our parents, we should "gradually" encourage my brother to grow.
However, breaking things is not acceptable behavior.
If this occurs again, we should consider reporting it under domestic violence laws.
If we are unsure how to reach a consensus, it is advisable to consult a patient psychiatrist for a collaborative discussion.

Reply Date: 2016/07/21

More Info

Coping with a family member's anger and destructive behavior can be incredibly challenging, especially when it involves someone you care about deeply, like your brother. From your description, it seems that your brother is struggling with emotional regulation, which is manifesting in aggressive behaviors such as throwing objects, yelling, and verbally abusing family members. This situation not only affects him but also creates a tense and fearful environment for the entire family.

First and foremost, it’s important to understand that your brother's behavior may stem from underlying issues that he may not be fully aware of or willing to acknowledge. Emotional dysregulation can be linked to various factors, including stress, anxiety, depression, or even unresolved trauma. It’s crucial to approach this situation with empathy, recognizing that his actions, while harmful, may be a cry for help or an expression of his internal struggles.

Here are some steps you can take to address this situation:
1. Open Communication: Try to create a safe space for dialogue. When your brother is calm, express your concerns about his behavior without judgment. Use "I" statements to convey how his actions affect you and the family, such as "I feel scared when you throw things" or "I worry about your well-being." This approach can help him feel less attacked and more open to discussing his feelings.

2. Encourage Professional Help: Since your brother has shown resistance to seeking help, it may be beneficial to involve a neutral third party, such as a family therapist or counselor. Sometimes, individuals are more receptive to suggestions from professionals rather than family members. You might suggest family therapy as a way for everyone to express their feelings and work through conflicts together.

3. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish clear boundaries regarding acceptable behavior. Let your brother know that while you care for him, destructive actions are not acceptable. This can be framed positively, emphasizing that you want to support him in finding healthier ways to cope with his frustrations.

4. Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Demonstrate healthy ways to manage anger and stress. This could include practicing mindfulness, engaging in physical activity, or finding creative outlets. Encourage family activities that promote bonding and relaxation, which can help alleviate some of the tension at home.

5. Safety First: If your brother's behavior escalates to a point where you fear for your safety or the safety of others, it’s crucial to take immediate action. This may involve contacting local authorities or mental health crisis services. Your safety and the safety of your family must come first.

6. Support for Yourself and Family: Dealing with a family member's anger can take a toll on your mental health. Consider seeking support for yourself, whether through therapy, support groups, or talking to trusted friends. It’s important to have your own outlet for the stress and anxiety this situation brings.

7. Patience and Understanding: Change takes time, and your brother may not respond immediately to your efforts. Be patient and continue to express your support and concern. Celebrate small victories, such as moments when he expresses himself without resorting to anger.

In conclusion, coping with a family member's anger and destructive behavior requires a multifaceted approach that combines open communication, professional help, boundary-setting, and self-care. While it may feel overwhelming, remember that you are not alone in this struggle, and seeking help for both your brother and yourself is a vital step toward healing and restoring peace within your family.

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