My Mental Health Struggles: Seeking Answers and Support - Psychiatry

What illness do I have?

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Hello, Doctor.
I have accumulated many issues since childhood.
I have visited the psychiatric department multiple times, but I always end up leaving.
Please help me.
(Thank you in advance!!)
1.
Since the 4th grade of elementary school, I started to dislike eating meat (beef, chicken, pork, etc.), and this continued until my senior year of high school.
I found it very disgusting.
For example, I could eat a chicken leg if it was in my lunchbox, but after graduating from high school, it became severe, and I am almost in a vegetarian state now.

2.
In the 5th and 6th grades, during class, our teacher often included singing and performing activities.
Whenever there was a class that required performance, I would become very nervous, my heart would race, and I would want to escape or pretend to be sick to take a leave.
In middle school, there were also many performing arts classes or instances where teachers would call on students to answer questions.
Whenever I encountered similar classes, I would also pretend to be sick and take leave frequently.

3.
When I graduated from high school and entered university, I withdrew after just three days of classes.
On the first day, I was inexplicably chosen as the class representative, which contributed to my anxiety.
Before graduating high school, I was very afraid of being called on by teachers to read aloud or to announce deadlines to the class.
I feared being laughed at.

4.
I cannot work alone in a space with anyone other than my mother, sister, or children.
Even if I'm not working, I feel very uncomfortable, anxious, and don't know what to say to them.
Therefore, I prefer jobs that allow me to work independently.
(Seeing, hearing, or even reading words makes me very scared, my mind goes blank, I experience palpitations, and I sweat cold.)
5.
In my previous job, I had to organize inventory, which involved checking off items on a list.
However, after organizing, I would repeatedly check 3 to 4 times, even though I had already confirmed everything.
I still felt uneasy and needed to check again.
When I went to the post office to send packages, even though I had packed everything and confirmed the address multiple times, I still felt the need to check repeatedly, fearing that I had packed the wrong items.
During classes or work, I had to sleep, wake up, and take breaks at specific times.
For example, I would go to bed at 10 PM, and if I was awake more than an hour past that time, I would become angry, irritable, and even blame my family for making noise that prevented me from sleeping.

6.
Every day, I feel heavy-headed, and my shoulders and neck are tense.
I have difficulty sleeping and often have vivid dreams.
In March, I suddenly realized that I seemed to dream every night, so I started keeping a record.
I found that since I began recording, I have indeed been dreaming every night.
Even waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I still dream, having 1 to 3 different dreams in one night.

7.
I really want to connect with my classmates, but I don't know what to say to them.
I fear that I am not as good as they are and feel inferior, fearing rejection.
There were two occasions when classmates invited me out, and I agreed, but I couldn't sleep all night due to anxiety.
I felt so troubled that even though I wanted to see them, I always made excuses like being busy or suggesting to meet another time.
I used to do this in high school as well.

8.
My emotions have never been very stable, but they have become even more unstable this year, especially when my brother's girlfriend comes to our house.
She visits almost every day, and whenever I know she is coming, I hide away and feel terrible.
Since my brother's room is next to mine, I become afraid to make any noise, even avoiding going to the bathroom unless I go downstairs.
One night, when he suddenly stayed over, I ended up crying uncontrollably and felt like I was losing my mind, unable to control my anger towards my mother, throwing things, banging on the table, and even feeling like I wanted to move out.

9.
My mother told me that when I was in kindergarten, I often only attended half a day, crying and wanting to find her.
During my kindergarten and elementary school years, my parents frequently argued and even talked about divorce due to my father's gambling issues and not collecting his wages.
I often witnessed these situations, feeling helpless.
My father would gamble late into the night, and my mother would often put my brother and me to sleep before sneaking out to see my dad.
I was aware of this, and I would secretly cry at night, fearing my mother would leave.

Because of all these situations, I have no friends and find it difficult to find work.
I want to seek medical help but am afraid and don't know how to express myself.
I fear that doctors won't understand me.
Doctor Ding, do you think I am unwell? Thank you.

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Nìmíng, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/09/07