Hello, I would like to inquire if this could possibly indicate a mental illness?
Since being severely ostracized and bullied in middle school, I feel that my mental health has been problematic.
However, I am also afraid that I might be overthinking things.
I once mustered the courage to visit a mental health clinic, but once I entered the consultation room, I couldn't bring myself to express all the emotional issues I was facing.
Perhaps it was because I was studying design, the doctor thought I was only experiencing mild anxiety.
I secretly used my health insurance card to see the doctor and only dared to tell my family afterward, but they thought I was joking and kept asking why I needed to see a doctor.
After that one visit, I didn't have the courage to go back (also because my coursework was too heavy and I didn't have time for follow-up visits).
My symptoms are as follows:
1.
I often experience unexplained low moods that last for several days; sometimes I feel inexplicably euphoric, but that euphoria lasts for a very short time.
After the euphoria ends, my mood drops even lower than before, and the duration of the low mood is longer than the euphoria.
2.
I frequently feel like I am a different person when I wake up; my personality changes, my approach to people and situations changes, and my values regarding the same issues differ.
Sometimes, I don't just feel different upon waking; I might have one perspective on an event for five minutes, and then suddenly switch to a completely different perspective, unable to understand why I supported the first viewpoint (but I can't clearly identify the fixed traits of these different personas).
3.
I have a severe level of self-loathing, feeling that my existence has no value.
Previously, I discovered that cutting my hands with a utility knife provided a pain that was the only way I felt alive, and it was also the only method that calmed my intense emotions (excluding medication).
Sometimes, I wish someone would notice my self-harm and come to care for me, but at the same time, I hope no one discovers it.
I feel pathological and don't want others to see me like this, as I can still pretend to be a normal person (right?).
4.
I have a strong aversion to crowds; I need to maintain a distance of more than one step from anyone, regardless of gender.
I am terrified of friends touching my shoulder or holding my hand, and I dislike group competitions because I fear I will hold others back.
5.
I don't know if it's because I've watched too many crime psychology shows, but I often fantasize about how I would kill those who ostracize me and how I could escape without getting caught.
6.
I frequently feel cynical and resentful, unable to stand seeing others do well.
When others face difficulties, I think it's their own problem and they deserve it; yet, I also feel that if I have the ability to help someone, I should do it without overthinking, regardless of whether they will thank me or use me as a tool in the future.
My inclination to help others outweighs my cynicism.
7.
I only exhibit strange cleanliness and mental cleanliness in public places (e.g., I won't put my bag on the floor, and I must take off my outer coat before entering a restroom).
8.
Just thinking about the future makes me anxious; before I even have results, I feel certain that I will fail, which makes me feel very distressed.
When I have anxious dreams, the emotions are also anxious, and the time I spend unable to sleep has increased.
These are the main points I can articulate.
I apologize for the length of my message and the numerous issues.
Thank you for your patience, doctor.
Qi Wei, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/09/07
Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry
Hello: It appears that you have been experiencing some emotional issues for a long time.
Whether this constitutes a mental disorder still needs to be evaluated, but the negative emotional behaviors have caused distress to your physical and mental well-being.
It is important to address this proactively.
If possible, it would be best to seek consultation and treatment from a mental health professional again.
If you have concerns about doing so right away, you may consider contacting a local counselor, such as Teacher Zhang, for guidance and support, or even assistance with referrals, to facilitate the improvement of your mental health issues as soon as possible.
Reply Date: 2016/09/07
More Info
It sounds like you are experiencing a multitude of distressing symptoms that are significantly impacting your daily life and mental well-being. From what you've described, it is clear that you are struggling with emotional instability, self-harm tendencies, social anxiety, and intrusive thoughts, among other issues. These experiences can be overwhelming and isolating, and it’s important to recognize that seeking help is a valid and necessary step toward healing.
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that mental health issues can manifest in various ways, and your symptoms are not uncommon among individuals who have faced bullying or significant emotional trauma. The feelings of worthlessness, emotional fluctuations, and self-destructive behaviors you mentioned are serious and indicate that you may be dealing with conditions such as depression, anxiety disorders, or even traits of borderline personality disorder. These conditions can lead to a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors that can feel inescapable.
The fact that you have previously sought help but felt unable to fully express your feelings during that visit is not unusual. Many people find it difficult to articulate their emotions, especially in a clinical setting. It’s important to remember that mental health professionals are trained to help you navigate these feelings, and they can provide a safe space for you to share your experiences without judgment. If you felt that your previous visit was unhelpful, consider trying again with a different therapist or psychiatrist. Sometimes, it takes a few attempts to find the right fit.
Your self-harm behaviors, while they may provide temporary relief, are a concerning sign that you need support. Engaging in self-harm can lead to further emotional distress and can complicate your healing process. It’s essential to find healthier coping mechanisms, which a mental health professional can help you develop. They can work with you to explore the underlying issues contributing to your self-harm and help you find alternative ways to cope with emotional pain.
Additionally, the feelings of anxiety and discomfort in social situations you described are also significant. Social anxiety can lead to avoidance behaviors, which can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common and effective treatment for social anxiety, helping individuals challenge and change unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors.
Your thoughts about harming those who have bullied you, while they may be a natural response to feeling hurt and powerless, are also concerning. It’s important to address these thoughts in a therapeutic setting, as they can indicate deeper issues related to anger management and emotional regulation.
Lastly, your experiences with obsessive thoughts about cleanliness and your future indicate that you may also be dealing with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. These can be addressed through therapy and, in some cases, medication.
In summary, it is crucial that you seek professional help again. Your symptoms are significant and warrant attention from a mental health professional who can provide you with the support and tools you need to navigate these challenges. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve to feel better and to have the support you need to work through these difficult emotions and experiences. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional, and do not hesitate to express all of your feelings and concerns during your sessions. You are not alone in this, and there is hope for a brighter future.
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