Unsure About Depression: Should I Seek Help from a Psychiatrist? - Psychiatry

I'm not sure if it's depression, and I'm uncertain whether I should visit a clinic?

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The situation has been ongoing for a long time and is somewhat complicated, making it difficult for me to understand my own circumstances and the key issues.
I apologize for the lengthy description.
Upon reflection, I realized that since moving from Keelung to Taipei in the second year of junior high, I have felt somewhat abnormal.
My social withdrawal has become severe.
I still have one or two friends, but compared to before...
High school was a bit better, but it felt like a split; I was happy at school with friends, yet when I returned home, I didn’t feel happy.
I would argue with my family, and during those moments, I would break down and cry uncontrollably, but then I would suddenly switch to a calm state.
Although my mood was still terrible, my rational mind could force me to stop any emotional reactions.
In my first year of college, I struggled to maintain many friendships, but by the second semester, around April and May, I felt exhausted and could no longer keep up.
However, I was also afraid of being alone, so I started dating a boyfriend.
In my second year, I had only one closer friend.
But if I saw her getting along well with other classmates, I would feel uncomfortable.
From my first year until now, in my third year, I have experienced several instances of emotional manipulation and self-harm due to various arguments and unpleasant experiences.
I have also fixated on small issues for reasons I don’t understand, such as a program not installing correctly, leading to uncontrollable rage, breaking things to vent, crying, and pulling my hair.
I can’t recall the exact number of times this happened, but I know I did it.
In the end, it would take my boyfriend two to three hours of continuous reassurance to help me stop these behaviors.
In October, my beloved pet passed away, which was very hard for me.
Recently, I thought a friend was distancing themselves and starting to dislike me.
It feels like my unhappiness has intensified since then.
I often reflect and blame myself after these events, but I still find it difficult to stop myself in the moment, leading to a vicious cycle of guilt.
Currently, I still engage in...
something akin to self-harm? But I know that if I create visible wounds, I will receive excessive concern.
I only scratch in places that can be covered by short sleeves until the skin breaks and feels numb.
I don’t want to end my life; it’s just...
a form of release? The pain brings me back to reality.
Anyway, the wounds heal and become less noticeable in a day or two.
I’m addicted to this method.
Physically, I feel very tired.
Occasionally, I feel hungry, but rationally, I still eat.
However, sometimes I feel nauseous when I see food.
My sleep patterns vary in length.
Occasionally, my heart races or feels heavy.
Sometimes, I have to exert effort to breathe.
I frequently experience diarrhea.
My menstrual cycle is irregular.
I feel inexplicably like crying or getting angry.
My memory has always been poor; I even forget simple tasks like flushing the toilet, which leads to my roommate scolding me and makes me feel even lower.
The above is a summary of my past diary entries.
Now, I feel like I’m acting, like there are three of me; the memories are shared, and no matter how poor my memory is, I won’t forget what I once remembered, so it’s not dissociative identity disorder, right? There’s a bit of depression and irritability locked away in that part of me, and when facing everyone, I must be able to handle social situations well.
Occasionally, I can be calm and indifferent, yet still engage in normal conversations.
I can switch between these roles very well; no matter how anxious or sad I am, I won’t lose composure.
Therefore, I always feel that going to a mental health clinic won’t go smoothly.
I habitually lie about everything socially and have no trust in the clinic doctors, having even waited secretly for them to open or close, doing fundamentally unhelpful surveillance.
Although I feel I shouldn’t engage in such foolishness and should quickly go in and honestly address my emotional issues.
Whether going out or doing things, I relieve my anxiety by reading any text, even if I can’t focus on a single word when I’m not feeling well; just staring at it is enough.
So, I save a large number of articles on my phone.
If I’m away from it, I feel anxious, and I’ve also made it a point to record my low emotional states.
When I feel confused, I use writing to have a dialogue with myself, unless my thoughts are racing and I’m alone, in which case I’ll mouth the words.
I comfort and communicate with myself.
I don’t believe I have a split personality.
Even if I did, is that a bad thing? Should it be addressed? It seems to allow me to maintain a normal social status, even though I feel very depressed inside.
I want to resolve the more uncomfortable feelings of depression, but I don’t know if I should or if I have the right to seek outpatient treatment.
If it’s just me overthinking, perhaps I shouldn’t seek treatment unnecessarily.

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Xian zai shi leng mo, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/04/01