Am I Overreacting? Trust Issues in Relationships

Am I sick?

I'm not sure why, but I tend to trust people easily at first.
If someone makes a good impression on me right away, I unconsciously trust them.
However, for those who don't leave a good first impression, I find it hard to believe in them.
Despite the fact that I trust those who initially give me a good impression, if I discover even a slight deception or concealment, even if it's a white lie, I can no longer trust them.
They must be completely honest with me for me to feel secure.
This applies to everyone—family, friends, boyfriends, and strangers alike.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a while now—not too long, but not too short either.
I am well aware that men can be unfaithful and that no one is perfect.
So, I made it very clear from the beginning that even if he were to betray me, I would prefer him not to lie to me, because I cannot tolerate even a little bit of deception or concealment.
I laid everything out in advance, but I still discovered that my boyfriend had thoughts of seeking other women.
Although he didn't succeed, he was chatting with several others, which has been weighing on my mind.
Over time, I know in my heart that he has changed and won't do that again.
However, because he has lied to me in the past and I caught him several times either deceiving or hiding things from me, even though I currently believe he won't do anything, I can't help but worry.
Whenever I can't reach him, I start to panic and overthink, wondering if he's up to something again.
I know he has changed and isn't doing anything wrong, but the more I care, the more I overthink.
I often tell myself that I'm overreacting and need to relax and not care so much, but sometimes I just can't control myself.
I end up saying hurtful things or expressing my worries, which leads to us arguing every day and makes him feel that I don't trust him.
I really don't know what to do, but I can't help but keep thinking this way...
Is there something wrong with me?

Nìmíng, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/04/05

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, you mentioned a lack of trust in people, especially in a boyfriend, which is something many experience, albeit to varying degrees.
Some may reach a level of jealousy delusion, which could be considered a mental health issue.
In such cases, medication is often the most effective way to improve the situation; encouragement, persuasion, and comfort from others are usually insufficient to make a significant impact.

In situations that are not classified as mental health issues, a lack of security often stems from within oneself rather than solely from external relationships or environments.
A potential solution is to avoid tying your happiness and well-being too closely to a single person or situation, as this can reduce feelings of gain and loss.
It is beneficial to develop a variety of interests and build relationships with multiple people, allowing for a more diversified definition of life goals and success, which can help prevent excessive attachment.
Moreover, life is unpredictable; people and circumstances are always changing, including ourselves, as we often find ourselves in different situations than before.
It is normal for love to fade, although it can be difficult to accept.
This is a reality and a life lesson that nearly everyone encounters.

Wishing you all the best,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2018/04/05

More Info

Your concerns about trust issues in relationships are quite common, and it's important to understand that they stem from a complex interplay of personal experiences, emotional responses, and psychological factors. Trust is a fundamental component of any relationship, and when it is compromised, it can lead to significant emotional distress and conflict.

From what you’ve described, it seems that your initial tendency to trust people based on first impressions is quickly overshadowed by a strong need for honesty and transparency. This dichotomy can create a cycle of anxiety and suspicion, particularly when past experiences have led you to feel betrayed or deceived. It’s understandable that you would want complete honesty from your partner, especially if you have previously encountered dishonesty in your relationships.

Your feelings of anxiety and the tendency to overthink situations when you feel a lack of communication or connection with your boyfriend are also common. This can be exacerbated by previous experiences of betrayal, leading to a heightened state of vigilance regarding your partner's actions. It’s important to recognize that while your feelings are valid, they can also lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, as you noted.

Here are some insights and suggestions that might help you navigate these feelings:
1. Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your past experiences and how they shape your current perceptions of trust. Understanding the root of your feelings can help you address them more effectively.

2. Open Communication: It’s crucial to maintain open lines of communication with your boyfriend. Express your feelings without accusing him of wrongdoing. Use "I" statements to convey how his actions affect you, such as "I feel anxious when I can't reach you," rather than "You always ignore me."
3. Set Boundaries: While it’s important to communicate your needs, it’s also essential to establish healthy boundaries. Discuss what honesty means to both of you and what you both need to feel secure in the relationship.

4. Therapeutic Support: Consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety and improve your communication skills. A therapist can help you explore trust issues in a safe environment and develop coping strategies.

5. Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to help ground yourself in the present moment. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or journaling can help reduce anxiety and improve your emotional regulation.

6. Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you find yourself spiraling into negative thoughts or assumptions about your boyfriend's actions, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if there is concrete evidence to support your fears or if they are based on past experiences.

7. Build Trust Gradually: Trust is built over time through consistent actions. Allow your boyfriend the opportunity to demonstrate his commitment to honesty and fidelity. Acknowledge and appreciate the positive changes he makes.

8. Focus on the Positive: While it’s easy to fixate on fears and anxieties, try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Celebrate the moments of connection and trust that you share.

In conclusion, your feelings are not indicative of a "disease" but rather a reflection of your emotional landscape shaped by past experiences. By taking proactive steps to address these feelings, you can work towards a healthier relationship dynamic. Remember, it’s a journey, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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