Navigating Relationship Conflicts: Your Partner's Behavior

I'm sorry, but I need more specific information or

Hello, I feel that there has been a lot of conflict between my boyfriend and me lately.
My temper has become irritable after discovering his unusual behavior, and I find it hard to concentrate in class.
In mid-April, my boyfriend completed his military service and moved in with me.
One day, I accidentally found women's stockings and underwear, as well as condoms, in his backpack.
Initially, I thought there might be a third party involved, but later I speculated that these items could be for his own use.
I informed his mother, who advised me not to confront him directly, fearing it would hurt his self-esteem.
She suggested that we go out more often to distract him, but after more than five months, the situation remains unchanged.
I still wonder what he does when I'm not around (as I keep noticing that the number of condoms in his backpack is decreasing).
We have known each other for seven years, and I don't know when he developed this habit.
I never expected that someone who appears to be an ordinary person would have such peculiarities, which has made it difficult for me to accept.
Perhaps this is why our interactions have been filled with unpleasantness; he often thinks I'm being unreasonable, while I feel I've changed a lot and have become less patient, especially every time I find stockings and underwear in his backpack.
I may lack the courage to confront him, which makes everything he does seem bothersome to me.
We have plans to get married, but I often ask myself if I can accept him as he is.
The answer is no, but when I think about how tolerant he has been and how he seems innocent regarding my outbursts, my heart is in turmoil.
Can you help me?

cā, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2000/10/07

Dr. Li Junren reply Psychiatry

You seem to suspect that your boyfriend has a cross-dressing fetish, but it's only a suspicion at this point; he may or may not have it.
Everything will depend on genuine communication to find out the real answer.
Do not treat communication as a means to "expose" him.
Remember during the conversation that 1.
you are not there to accuse him of wrongdoing or invade his privacy, 2.
you need to express your feelings, and 3.
you should let him know whether you can accept or understand him.
Remaining in a state of doubt without verification is not a long-term solution; it will only keep the relationship in an ambiguous and uncomfortable situation.
Cross-dressing is not considered a disorder or perversion in psychiatry; it is simply a different way for some individuals to derive sexual pleasure.
If this preference does not cause distress to him or his partner, treatment may not be necessary.
However, if this issue has caused distress, appropriate help can be sought from psychological counseling services or psychiatric and psychosomatic medicine.

Reply Date: 2000/10/07

More Info

Navigating relationship conflicts can be incredibly challenging, especially when trust is shaken by unexpected discoveries. It sounds like you're in a difficult situation with your boyfriend, and it's understandable that you're feeling a mix of emotions, including anger, confusion, and frustration. Let's break down some of the key aspects of your situation and explore ways to address them.

First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings. Discovering items that suggest your partner may be engaging in behavior you find concerning can trigger a range of emotions, from betrayal to insecurity. Your reaction of becoming irritable and losing focus in other areas of your life, such as school, is a natural response to stress and anxiety. It's crucial to recognize that these feelings are valid and deserve attention.

Communication is key in any relationship, especially when conflicts arise. It seems that you have already taken a step by discussing your concerns with his mother, but this may not be the most effective way to address the issue. While her advice to avoid confronting him directly may come from a place of care, it could also lead to further misunderstandings and resentment. Instead, consider having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend. Choose a calm moment to express your feelings without accusations. Use "I" statements to communicate how his actions affect you, such as "I feel anxious when I find items in your bag that make me question our relationship."
It's also essential to create a safe space for him to share his perspective. He may have reasons for his behavior that you are unaware of, and understanding his viewpoint could help clarify the situation. This dialogue can be challenging, but it is necessary for rebuilding trust and understanding each other better.

Another aspect to consider is the impact of your relationship dynamics on your mental health. If you find yourself constantly on edge or feeling like you are walking on eggshells, it may be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with tools to manage your emotions and help you navigate the complexities of your relationship. Therapy can also offer a neutral space for both of you to explore your feelings and behaviors without judgment.

As you contemplate your future together, including the possibility of marriage, it's vital to assess whether you can accept your boyfriend as he is. Reflect on your values and what you want in a partner. If his behavior is something you cannot reconcile with your vision of a healthy relationship, it may be worth considering whether this relationship is right for you. Remember, a healthy partnership is built on trust, respect, and open communication.

Lastly, consider setting boundaries for yourself. If certain behaviors or discoveries continue to upset you, it may be necessary to establish what is acceptable for you in the relationship. This can help you maintain your sense of self and well-being while navigating these challenges.

In summary, addressing relationship conflicts requires open communication, understanding, and self-reflection. By expressing your feelings honestly and seeking to understand your boyfriend's perspective, you can work towards resolving the issues at hand. Additionally, prioritizing your mental health and considering professional support can provide you with the tools needed to navigate this complex situation. Ultimately, the decision about your relationship should align with your values and what you envision for your future.

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