Self-Harm in Relationships: Addressing Communication Issues

My fiancé slaps himself when we argue?

He is usually not very expressive and often gives simple answers when I ask him questions.
He can accompany me for an entire evening without saying a word, just being there beside me.
I already knew that he has a more reserved and taciturn personality.
However, there was an incident during a family dinner where he mistakenly ordered the wrong dish.
When I asked the waiter to replace it, he insisted that it was fine and that he would eat the wrong dish.
Despite his insistence, I still asked the waiter to bring the correct one, and he abruptly left the table and went outside the restaurant to hit his helmet.
My family, who saw this through the glass, were shocked.
There have been several occasions where we had disagreements due to our interactions, and he would immediately conclude, "Yes! It's my fault! I'm sorry!" Then he would start slapping himself hard, hitting the wall with his hands, and banging his head against the wall.
I would try to stop him and ask if this behavior would solve the problem, and why he wouldn't express his thoughts verbally.
Whenever I say something, he remains silent, as if he is treating me like air, and it takes a while before he is willing to respond.
Whenever we have issues or arguments, he always ends up resorting to this self-harming behavior, but the problems remain unresolved.
If I ask if our previous communication was ineffective, he would start hitting himself again, saying, "It's my fault! It's all my fault!"
We have already discussed marriage, and now I am very concerned about our ability to communicate regarding family issues in the future.
I feel like I can't point out anything he does wrong or any mistakes he makes, because I worry he might harm himself again.
I also fear that this behavior could escalate to him hitting me.
Does this situation indicate a tendency towards violence? Should we still go ahead with the marriage? How can I help him? I hope to prioritize maintaining our relationship, but in order to get married, I need to understand what kind of interaction is more appropriate.
Thank you, doctor, for taking the time to respond amidst your busy schedule.

Sophia, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/04/15

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
It seems that your fiancé is exhibiting inappropriate emotional regulation (EQ management) responses.
Engaging in harmful behaviors such as slapping and throwing his helmet during conflicts are unhealthy ways to express emotions.
It is indeed important to communicate effectively.
I suggest that you find a suitable time when you are both getting along to express to your fiancé that for the sake of a happy marriage (emphasizing that it is not directed at him), you hope both of you can attend premarital counseling at a mental health clinic together.
If he insists on not participating, there is no need to force him (you can wait for a better opportunity).
In the meantime, you may consider seeking counseling on your own.
Additionally, you can utilize the Ministry of Health and Welfare's 1925 hotline for counseling and support.

Reply Date: 2022/04/15

More Info

Understanding self-harm in relationships, particularly in the context you've described, is a complex issue that requires careful consideration of both emotional and psychological factors. It appears that your partner exhibits behaviors that may be indicative of deeper emotional distress, particularly in how he responds to conflict and communication challenges.
Self-harm, in this context, can manifest as physical actions taken against oneself, such as hitting himself or expressing frustration through destructive behaviors. This is often a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming emotions, feelings of inadequacy, or a perceived inability to communicate effectively. When faced with conflict, instead of expressing his feelings verbally, he resorts to self-harm, which can be alarming and concerning for both of you.

It's important to recognize that these behaviors can be a sign of underlying mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, or even traits associated with personality disorders. His tendency to quickly accept blame and resort to self-punishment suggests a possible lack of self-esteem and an unhealthy way of processing emotions. This pattern can create a cycle of conflict where issues remain unresolved, leading to further emotional distress for both partners.

In terms of communication, it seems that your partner struggles to articulate his feelings and thoughts, which can exacerbate misunderstandings and conflicts. His silence during discussions may stem from a fear of confrontation or a belief that his opinions are not valued. This can create a dynamic where you feel unheard and he feels overwhelmed, leading to further withdrawal and self-harm.

Addressing these issues requires a multifaceted approach:
1. Encourage Professional Help: It may be beneficial for your partner to seek therapy or counseling. A mental health professional can provide him with tools to better manage his emotions and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy can also help him learn to communicate more effectively and express his feelings in a constructive manner.

2. Open Communication: While it may be challenging, fostering an environment where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment is crucial. Encourage him to share his thoughts and feelings, and reassure him that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You might consider using "I" statements to express how his actions affect you, which can help reduce defensiveness.

3. Set Boundaries: While it’s important to support your partner, it’s equally vital to set boundaries regarding what behaviors are acceptable. If his self-harm escalates or if you feel unsafe, it’s crucial to prioritize your well-being. Discuss these boundaries openly and ensure he understands your concerns.

4. Educate Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of self-harm and emotional distress can help you navigate this situation more effectively. Familiarize yourself with resources on mental health, communication strategies, and conflict resolution.

5. Consider Relationship Counseling: If both of you are open to it, couples therapy can provide a safe space to address relationship dynamics and improve communication. A therapist can facilitate discussions and help both of you understand each other’s perspectives better.

6. Evaluate the Relationship: It’s essential to reflect on whether this relationship is healthy for you. If his behaviors escalate or if you feel that your safety is at risk, it may be necessary to reconsider the future of the relationship. Your well-being should always come first.

In conclusion, while your partner’s behaviors are concerning, they do not necessarily indicate a propensity for violence towards you. However, the patterns of self-harm and avoidance of communication are red flags that should not be ignored. Prioritizing open dialogue, seeking professional help, and establishing healthy boundaries are critical steps in addressing these issues. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and effective communication.

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