Navigating Emotional Crises in Relationships: Seeking Help and Understanding

Q: Navigating Emotional Crises in Relationships: Seeking Help and Understanding

Hello, emotional outbursts can stem from various reasons： personality traits, anxiety, high stress levels, or even mental illness. <br>Your girlfriend has a history of mental illness, and it might be beneficial for her to consult a doctor to see if her symptoms of depression or a

Emotional breakdown

Hello, doctor.
I often face situations where my girlfriend experiences emotional breakdowns, characterized by loud crying, hysterical wall-pounding, gripping her head tightly, crying out that she wants to disappear from the world, followed by difficulty breathing and collapsing to the ground.
These episodes occur about once every week or two, lasting approximately 3 to 5 hours.
As a result, my own emotions have been suppressed for a long time, and recently they have escalated to the point where I have started exhibiting violent behaviors, such as breaking furniture.
This has made me very fearful and concerned for both myself and her.
I kindly seek your advice.
We are both 30 years old and living together, and we both grew up experiencing long-term domestic violence, which may have affected our ability to handle conflicts.
Additionally, my girlfriend has a history of mental health issues (possibly depression or panic disorder?) and test results indicate she has a tendency towards low emotional intelligence, making her prone to irritability and impatience, while also feeling very insecure and often harboring negative thoughts.
Generally, we have a very harmonious and sweet relationship, but my girlfriend frequently undergoes sudden mood changes over trivial matters, such as not being informed about a minor issue or misunderstanding her intentions.
This leads to her becoming angry, raising her voice, and cursing, which then traps us in a communication cycle: I ask her what she cares about → I explain that the situation is not as she perceives it → she claims I don’t understand her problem → I ask what the problem is → she loses patience and says not to make her explain repeatedly, believing I have comprehension issues and don’t know how to comfort others.
Regardless of whether I ask, explain, or remain silent, this continues to trigger her emotional breakdowns, which can happen in public, at work, or in any environment.
Despite my attempts to comfort, apologize, or ask her to calm down, I cannot change the outcome of these breakdowns, which disrupts our daily lives.
I have witnessed my girlfriend's breakdowns countless times, transitioning from trying to endure, comfort, and apologize to feeling helpless and disheartened, and now I find myself exhibiting irritability and anger.
I used to be full of energy and passion for life, but now I have lost my life goals and motivation, and I question myself, feel guilty, and have lost confidence.
The same emotional turmoil is evident in my girlfriend as well.
I am very worried that such intense emotions may harm her physically and mentally, and I fear losing control and causing her harm.
I am unsure if this situation is merely a relationship or communication issue, or if it stems from my own poor handling of these matters, leading me to doubt my suitability for a romantic relationship.
Should I be concerned about mental health or other issues? What avenues can I pursue to help both myself and her? Thank you for your time.

Li, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/07/25

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, emotional outbursts can stem from various reasons: personality traits, anxiety, high stress levels, or even mental illness.
Your girlfriend has a history of mental illness, and it might be beneficial for her to consult a doctor to see if her symptoms of depression or anxiety have worsened recently, as these can contribute to increased emotional sensitivity.
If the issue is related to personality, medication may have limited effectiveness.
She could consider exploring religious or personal development courses.
Ideally, if she is open to it, psychotherapy would be a better option, but these approaches require time and financial investment, and results may not be immediate.
As one ages, the effectiveness of interventions may diminish, as personality tends to become more fixed.
Regarding your own situation, I sense that you are a very mature and understanding person.
However, facing the suffering of a loved one over a long period can lead to your own emotional exhaustion.
Seeking assistance from a psychologist or psychiatrist can help you gain knowledge about your girlfriend's issues and coping strategies, allowing you to feel more assured and maintain a calm demeanor.
In Taiwan, accessing healthcare is relatively easy, and visiting a psychiatrist or psychosomatic specialist is becoming increasingly common, with less stigma attached.
Partnering with a doctor or psychologist for consultations can help you feel less isolated.
Accompanying your girlfriend to appointments may also allow the doctor to provide objective advice on your relationship dynamics.

Wishing you all the best,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2016/07/25

More Info

Navigating emotional crises in relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially when both partners have a history of trauma and emotional instability. Your situation, where both you and your girlfriend experience intense emotional outbursts and struggles with communication, is not uncommon, particularly among individuals who have faced family violence or other forms of trauma in their upbringing. It’s essential to approach this issue with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to seek help.

Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize that the emotional crises your girlfriend experiences—characterized by severe crying spells, physical manifestations of distress, and feelings of wanting to disappear—are indicative of deeper psychological issues. These could stem from past trauma, unresolved emotional conflicts, or even underlying mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety disorders. The fact that she has a history of mental health issues, along with her low emotional intelligence (EQ) scores, suggests that she may struggle with emotional regulation and coping mechanisms.

Your own emotional responses, including feelings of anger and frustration that have led to destructive behaviors, are also concerning. This cycle of emotional turmoil can create a toxic environment for both of you, leading to a deterioration of your relationship and individual well-being. It’s essential to address these issues before they escalate further.

Here are some steps you can take to navigate this situation:
1. Seek Professional Help: Both you and your girlfriend would benefit from individual therapy. A mental health professional can help each of you explore your emotions, understand your triggers, and develop healthier coping strategies. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, as it provides a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and learn effective communication techniques.

2. Establish Healthy Communication: It’s vital to create an environment where both of you feel safe to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or escalation. Consider setting aside time for calm discussions about your relationship, where you can both share your feelings and concerns without interruptions. Use “I” statements to express how you feel rather than placing blame, which can help reduce defensiveness.

3. Develop Coping Strategies: Work together to identify coping mechanisms that can help during emotional crises. This could include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or even physical activities like going for a walk. Having a plan in place for when emotions run high can help both of you feel more in control.

4. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish boundaries regarding how you communicate during conflicts. For instance, if one of you feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the conversation later. This can prevent escalation and give both of you time to cool down.

5. Educate Yourselves: Understanding emotional regulation and the impact of trauma on relationships can empower both of you to make informed decisions about your emotional health. Consider reading books or attending workshops on emotional intelligence, communication skills, and trauma recovery.

6. Support Each Other: While it’s important to focus on individual healing, supporting each other through this process is equally crucial. Celebrate small victories together and acknowledge each other’s efforts to improve.

7. Monitor Your Well-being: Pay attention to your mental health and emotional state. If you find that your feelings of hopelessness, anger, or frustration persist, it may be necessary to seek help for yourself as well. Self-care is vital in maintaining a healthy relationship.

In conclusion, the emotional crises you and your girlfriend are experiencing are complex and multifaceted. It’s essential to approach this situation with compassion and a commitment to seeking help. By prioritizing mental health, improving communication, and establishing healthy coping mechanisms, you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling relationship. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and taking that step can lead to significant positive changes for both of you.

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