Overcoming Anxiety and Emotional Distress in Troubled Relationships - Psychiatry

Anxiety, negative emotions, emotional distress, depression?

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Hello, doctor! Recently, I have been feeling very powerless and hopeless regarding my marriage and parenting.
In my marriage, due to my husband's past infidelity, although I chose to forgive him, I still cannot forget it.
Recently, because of his various suspicious behaviors, I ended up checking his phone and discovered that he has betrayed our marriage again.
He keeps saying he hasn't, but he often hides in the bathroom for a long time, avoids my questions when replying to messages, and constantly has his phone in hand.
He even comes home late or sometimes not at all.
I know that arguing with him doesn't help, yet he keeps pushing me to trust him.
I admit I have a bad temper, and we often argue over financial issues.
I can't control my emotions and always throw the problems at him to deal with.
After calming down, I regret my actions.
Now, whenever he goes out, I become anxious and restless, constantly calling to ask where he is, what he is doing, and who he is with.
I find it hard to stop questioning him and imagining what he might be doing outside.
I don't know if he is lying to me; when I try to have a serious conversation, he doesn't want to respond.
He seems to ignore me, even when I show signs of depression.
Recently, I even threatened him with a rope to commit suicide.
I no longer have any of his friends on messaging apps, and he has deleted all my photos from his phone.
I don't understand why it has come to this.
Every time he goes out, I start to feel anxious and make assumptions about what he is doing and with whom.
He says I have a problem.
I really don't want to be like this.
Why, after everything, when I say I want a divorce, he refuses? I feel like he is tormenting me.
I express my thoughts to him through text, but he rarely responds.
He keeps saying he loves me, but his indifferent and impatient attitude makes it hard for me not to question him.
I feel so exhausted.
I have thought about leaving quietly, but I really don't know where to go and lack the courage because I don't want to give up.
Recently, these situations have become increasingly severe.
I find myself in a bad mood every day, not smiling, and only feeling like crying.
However, the more I feel this way, the more I seem to push him away.
Whenever I tell myself not to dwell on it and to face it properly, I can't help but show him a bad attitude.
I feel powerless to face this situation but can't let go of the need to argue with him!
Regarding parenting, I wonder if my emotions are affecting my two children.
I feel they have become less obedient and often cry or throw tantrums to get what they want.
I have tried to communicate with them, but it has had no effect! All these situations make me feel incompetent and frustrated, and I feel like a failure.
I want to hide away.
I want to go out for some fresh air, but I have to take care of the kids, leaving me no space to sort out my emotions.
I even lack motivation at work, feeling like my efforts are for no one and nothing.
Since getting married, I feel there is no need to share my worries with anyone because no one can understand, and I don't want to disturb others! Two years ago, I experienced chest tightness and palpitations and saw a doctor, who found a thyroid goiter.
The doctor said I didn't need medication yet, but recently, I have started experiencing palpitations and shortness of breath again! I feel so troubled, sad, and in pain.
We have been together since middle school and married for over ten years, facing many experiences together.
I don't want to give up! There are many personal factors involved, including my personality.
Now, I completely cannot manage my emotions; I only feel pessimistic and don't want to face reality, only wanting to wallow in my sadness and not considering the feelings of those around me.
I always feel like I am the one who is not cared for.
After my second child was born, my temper became irritable and I get angry easily.
My irritability and anger are now worse than before! No one helps me take care of the kids; I have been managing everything since they were born! Now, I gradually feel why I can only do this and have no personal space, and I even think that it is because of the kids that I feel this way! This is really terrifying! I want to step out of my shadow and find myself again! I no longer know what happiness is; all that remains are complaints, entanglements, and an inability to let go of my obsessions.

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R.Z., 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/03/12