Coping with Grief: Navigating Emotions After a Loved One's Death - Psychiatry

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Emotional adjustment issues following the death of a loved one?


Hello Dr.
Lin: My mother passed away from colon cancer about a year ago.
Although the sadness has eased significantly, I feel very lost about the future...
This was my first experience facing the death of a loved one so closely.
From the moment I heard my mother say she had stomach pain, to her diagnosis of terminal colon cancer, undergoing surgery for a colostomy, watching her struggle to eat and sleep, and her incoherent speech at night as if she had become a different person, to the end where she could only lie in bed with tubes, struggling to move even a finger—these scenes are constantly replaying in my mind.

I also think about the strong hereditary links to cancer and chronic diseases in my mother's family, and how I have been physically weak and prone to illness just like her since childhood.
This leads me to wonder if, in a few years, I might find myself lying in a hospital bed undergoing painful treatments instead.
Whenever I have such thoughts, I feel particularly anxious and uneasy...
Sometimes I wonder, since we all eventually reach this point, what is the meaning of the life goals or dreams I am striving for? Because of these thoughts, I have increasingly found it difficult to experience joy, and I have gradually lost the desire to connect with friends or socialize with others...

I would like to ask the doctor if such emotional reactions after the death of a loved one are normal? Do you have any recommended coping strategies? Thank you for your patience in reading this.

Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/06/25

Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry


Hi there! Losing a loved one is a deeply painful experience, and it's normal to feel depressed in the face of such a loss.
However, feelings of sadness do not equate to clinical depression.
Most people can return to their normal lives after a period of adjustment.
If, one year after your mother's passing, you still frequently experience unhappiness, a lack of desire to interact with others, or feelings of life's meaninglessness, I recommend seeking help from a psychiatrist for an evaluation of potential depression.
While I can suggest some strategies, such as getting outside, talking to someone, or keeping yourself busy to improve your mood, you may find it difficult to feel motivated to engage in these activities at this stage.
Therefore, seeking medical assistance is advisable for more direct support.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

Reply Date: 2021/06/25

More Info


Coping with grief after the loss of a loved one, especially a parent, can be an incredibly challenging and complex emotional journey. It is completely normal to experience a wide range of feelings, including sadness, anxiety, confusion, and even guilt. The process of grieving is unique to each individual, and it can manifest in various ways, including the thoughts and feelings you are currently experiencing.

From your description, it seems that you are grappling with not only the loss of your mother but also the fear of your own mortality and the potential for hereditary health issues. This is a common concern for many people who have lost family members to serious illnesses, particularly when there is a known family history of such conditions. The vivid memories of your mother’s suffering and decline can be haunting, and it’s understandable that they would lead to anxiety about your own health and future.

Your feelings of confusion about the meaning of life and your goals are also a natural response to grief. When faced with the reality of death, many people find themselves questioning their life choices, aspirations, and the significance of their daily struggles. This existential questioning can lead to a sense of disconnection from others and a withdrawal from social interactions, as you mentioned.

Here are some suggestions for coping with your grief and navigating these complex emotions:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise. Grief can be messy and unpredictable, and it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Journaling about your feelings, as you have been doing, can be a helpful outlet.

2. Seek Professional Help: Given the intensity of your feelings and the impact on your daily life, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional. A therapist can provide support and help you process your grief in a safe environment. They can also assist you in addressing your anxiety about health and mortality.

3. Connect with Others: While it may feel difficult, try to reach out to friends or support groups. Sharing your experiences with others who have faced similar losses can help you feel less isolated. Sometimes, just knowing that others understand your pain can be comforting.

4. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies that you enjoy. Taking care of your physical health can also positively impact your mental health.

5. Create New Meaning: Consider ways to honor your mother’s memory that can also bring you joy. This could be through creating a scrapbook, participating in charitable activities in her name, or even starting a new tradition that keeps her spirit alive.

6. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: When feelings of anxiety about the future arise, grounding techniques can help you stay present. Focus on your breathing, engage your senses, and remind yourself that it’s okay to take life one day at a time.

7. Explore Your Thoughts on Mortality: It might be helpful to explore your thoughts about life and death more deeply. This could involve reading literature on grief, spirituality, or philosophy that resonates with you. Understanding that these thoughts are a part of the human experience can sometimes alleviate the weight they carry.

In summary, your emotional responses to your mother’s death are entirely normal, and it’s crucial to give yourself grace as you navigate this difficult time. Seeking professional help, connecting with others, and engaging in self-care can significantly aid in your healing process. Remember, grief is not a linear journey, and it’s okay to seek support along the way.

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