Navigating Child Resistance to Father's New Relationship: A Guide

Q: Navigating Child Resistance to Father's New Relationship: A Guide

Regarding the child： It seems that the client feels a great deal of sympathy for the child's situation and is eager to help. <br>It is advisable to suggest that the boyfriend's family spend more time with the child, providing a stable environment and fostering healthy parent-chil

The child opposes the father dating again?

Hello, doctor.
My boyfriend is 45 years old and divorced, with a son who is about to enter the seventh grade.
After the divorce, the child lived with his father.
The divorce occurred when the child was around 7-8 years old, and the mother insisted on the divorce, which led to the child not understanding his mother.
The father, due to work commitments, had to travel between Taiwan and mainland China.
The child felt abandoned, thinking that his father didn't want him, and was primarily cared for by his grandfather.
The father returned to Taiwan about once a month for about a week.
Each time he had to go back to mainland China, the child would cry and have trouble sleeping, fearing that if he fell asleep, his father would disappear.
This situation continued until two years ago when the father moved his work back to Taiwan, which improved things somewhat.
However, upon returning to Taiwan, the father worked during the day and still had a side job at night (working from home).
When the child was about to enter the first year of junior high (last year), the mother, believing it was important for the child to grow independent, enrolled him in a private boarding school without the child's consent.
The child could not cope and called his father crying every day.
One day, he even told his father he wanted to commit suicide, prompting the teacher to notify the father.
The father then transferred the child to a junior high school near their home in Taipei, and the situation improved.
In March of this year, the child met my boyfriend, and they started dating.
In April, my boyfriend told me that the child had a long scar on his arm, which he had scratched with his nails.
Initially, the child did not speak about it, but after several inquiries, he said it was due to a misunderstanding with a teacher that hurt him deeply.
My boyfriend, the child, and I have gone out together for overnight trips about 3-4 times.
I felt the child was quite normal and did not show any signs of rejection.
However, a few days ago, my boyfriend mentioned breaking up.
He said he had tried hard for several months, but the child still did not like or accept his father dating.
The child pretended to be okay with me before going out, fearing his father would be angry.
The child does not like to see his father holding my hand or talking to me on the phone and cannot accept anyone else being around his father.
A few days ago, the child stopped eating and would sneak out at midnight to take bread from the refrigerator.
After the father discovered this, he felt he had to choose between his girlfriend and his child.
He chose to break up with me to focus on taking care of the child.
My boyfriend feels he is spending too much time working and not enough time caring for the child while also trying to maintain a relationship.
I really want to salvage this relationship and help the child because we were dating with the intention of marriage before.
I don’t want to miss out on this relationship.
Doctor, what should I do?

Miss Yang, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/07/08

Dr. Wu Menghuan reply Psychiatry

Regarding the child: It seems that the client feels a great deal of sympathy for the child's situation and is eager to help.
It is advisable to suggest that the boyfriend's family spend more time with the child, providing a stable environment and fostering healthy parent-child communication channels.
They should listen to what the child experiences at school and offer empathy and support.
If the child exhibits signs of emotional distress, depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, it is recommended that the child's father take the child to a pediatric mental health specialist for evaluation and treatment.
Regarding the client: If both the client and her boyfriend are motivated to maintain their relationship, it is suggested that they seek help from a mental health professional, or consider psychological therapy or couples counseling.

Reply Date: 2021/07/08

More Info

Navigating the complexities of a child's resistance to a parent's new relationship can be challenging, especially in the context of divorce and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies it. In your situation, the child has experienced significant upheaval, including parental separation, changes in living arrangements, and the introduction of a new partner into their father's life. Here are some strategies to help facilitate a smoother transition for the child while also considering your relationship with your boyfriend.

Understanding the Child's Perspective
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings: It's crucial to recognize that the child may feel abandoned, confused, or even threatened by the idea of their father dating someone new. These feelings are valid and should be acknowledged. Encourage open communication where the child can express their emotions without fear of judgment.

2. Create a Safe Space: Ensure that the child feels safe and secure in their environment. This includes providing emotional support and reassurance that their feelings are important. Let them know that it’s okay to feel upset or angry about the changes happening in their family dynamics.

3. Involve the Child in Conversations: When discussing your relationship with their father, involve the child in the conversation. Ask them how they feel about the situation and listen actively to their concerns. This can help them feel included rather than sidelined.

Building Trust and Relationships
4. Gradual Introduction: If possible, consider a gradual introduction to your relationship. This could involve casual outings where the child can interact with you in a low-pressure environment. The goal is to build trust and familiarity over time.

5. Encourage Positive Interactions: Facilitate opportunities for positive interactions between you and the child. Engage in activities that the child enjoys, which can help break the ice and foster a sense of camaraderie.

6. Reassure the Child of Their Importance: Make it clear to the child that they are a priority in their father's life. This can be done through actions and words, ensuring that the child understands that your relationship does not diminish their importance.

Supporting the Father
7. Encourage Open Dialogue Between Father and Child: The father should have open and honest conversations with his child about the new relationship. He can reassure the child that his love for them remains unchanged and that they will always have a special bond.

8. Set Boundaries: It’s essential for the father to set boundaries that prioritize his child’s emotional well-being. This may mean limiting the time spent on dating until the child feels more comfortable with the situation.

9. Seek Professional Help if Necessary: If the child exhibits signs of emotional distress, such as self-harm or severe anxiety, it may be beneficial to seek the help of a child psychologist or counselor. Professional guidance can provide the child with coping strategies and a safe space to express their feelings.

Balancing Relationships
10. Communicate with Your Boyfriend: It’s important to have an open dialogue with your boyfriend about the situation. Share your concerns and feelings about the child’s resistance and discuss how both of you can work together to support the child while also nurturing your relationship.

11. Be Patient: Understand that building a relationship with the child will take time. Patience is key, as the child may need time to adjust to the idea of their father dating someone new.

12. Focus on the Positive: Highlight the positive aspects of your relationship with the father and how it can contribute to a happier family dynamic. Encourage the child to see the potential benefits of having a supportive partner in their father’s life.

Conclusion
Navigating a child's resistance to a parent's new relationship requires empathy, patience, and open communication. By acknowledging the child's feelings, fostering trust, and ensuring that the child feels valued, you can help create a more harmonious environment. It's essential to prioritize the child's emotional well-being while also nurturing your relationship with their father. With time and effort, it is possible to build a positive relationship that benefits everyone involved.

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