Childhood fetishism
Hello Dr.
Song,
My only son is currently in the sixth grade.
Before he turned two and a half, he spent 24 hours a day at a nanny's house (only coming home on weekends).
Compared to other children, he is not very sociable and tends to be timid.
Perhaps he is naturally more introverted, but I have always felt guilty for not being there for him during his early childhood.
Whenever he exhibits behaviors that differ from other children, I often associate it with the lack of maternal presence during his formative years.
When he entered first grade, I resigned from my job to work from home and take care of him.
Although there have been ups and downs during this time, he has become more confident, lively, and has developed good relationships with his classmates.
He performs well in school and is liked by his teachers, which brings me some comfort.
Since he was young, he has had a fondness for the texture of certain patterns printed on T-shirts, which may provide him with a sense of security.
He has a few old clothes that he is reluctant to part with, often piling two or three of them in his blanket at night.
I understand this behavior is similar to some children seeking comfort from worn-out toys, especially since he may have developed feelings of insecurity while at the nanny's house.
Therefore, I have never discouraged him from this behavior, although he is afraid to let his father know, as he interacts with me more like a friend.
Recently, he has taken the initiative to ask me to buy him new clothes (specifically those with patterns), which is unusual since he is not the type to demand things.
I am unsure whether I should allow him to "hoard" clothes.
I worry that as he approaches adolescence, if he does not "detach" from this attachment, it may affect his mental well-being.
Since fourth grade, I have let him sleep alone, but he has struggled to accept this (often feeling scared) and frequently makes excuses to come to our room.
I have to outsmart him to encourage him to stay in his own room.
I am also concerned that if I take away his clothes, he may feel even less secure.
Dr.
Song, should I buy him more clothes? How can I guide him to "detach" from these clothes? Thank you!
Wú suǒ shì cóng de mā, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/09/17
Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry
Dear Mother,
Based on your description, it seems that your child has a close relationship with you and lacks a sense of security.
Regarding the hoarding of clothes you mentioned, I wonder how severe it is? If it’s just one or two old garments that your child is reluctant to part with, it doesn’t seem to be a serious issue.
Since your child has expressed a desire to buy new clothes, why not use this opportunity to discuss how those old clothes can be replaced with new ones? It’s a positive sign that your child is interested in new clothing, as this can serve as motivation to let go of the old items.
It’s clear that your anxiety stems from your child's lack of security and the overly dependent relationship.
I suggest exploring your child's interests and strengths to help them build a sense of achievement.
Additionally, encourage your child to participate in team activities and camps, which can provide opportunities to develop confidence and independence without your presence through positive peer experiences.
If your child exhibits high separation anxiety or signs of social withdrawal, I recommend consulting a child psychiatrist or a child counseling psychologist.
A professional assessment can provide you and your child with appropriate intervention strategies.
Sincerely,
Song Cheng-Hsien
Reply Date: 2015/09/17
More Info
Understanding a child's attachment to objects, such as clothing, is crucial for parents, especially when considering the emotional and psychological implications of such attachments. In your case, your son’s attachment to certain T-shirts and his reliance on them for comfort can be understood through the lens of child development and attachment theory.
Children often form attachments to objects as a way to cope with anxiety and uncertainty. This is particularly common in children who may have experienced disruptions in their early caregiving environments, such as your son, who spent significant time in a caregiver's home during his formative years. The T-shirts he clings to likely provide him with a sense of security and familiarity, which is essential for emotional regulation. This attachment can be likened to how some children find comfort in stuffed animals or blankets.
Your concern about his attachment to these items as he approaches adolescence is valid. However, it’s important to recognize that such attachments are a normal part of childhood development. They can serve as transitional objects that help children navigate their emotions and the world around them. As children grow, they typically learn to manage their emotions and develop independence, often moving away from these attachments naturally.
Here are some strategies to help guide your son in a healthy way:
1. Open Communication: Encourage open discussions about his feelings towards the T-shirts. Ask him what they mean to him and why he feels comforted by them. This can help him articulate his emotions and understand his attachment better.
2. Gradual Transition: Instead of abruptly removing the T-shirts, consider a gradual approach. You might suggest that he keeps a couple of his favorite shirts while slowly introducing new clothing. This way, he can feel secure in his attachment while also learning to embrace change.
3. Encourage Independence: Help him build confidence in sleeping alone by creating a comforting bedtime routine. This could include reading together, discussing his day, or using a nightlight. Gradually encourage him to spend more time in his room, reinforcing that it is a safe space.
4. Introduce New Comfort Items: If he is open to it, you could introduce new items that might serve a similar purpose as the T-shirts. This could be a new blanket or a stuffed animal that he can associate with comfort and security.
5. Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate small victories when he shows independence or when he expresses his feelings about his attachment. Positive reinforcement can help him feel more secure in his ability to manage his emotions.
6. Seek Professional Guidance: If you notice that his attachment is significantly impacting his daily life or emotional well-being, consider consulting a child psychologist. They can provide tailored strategies and support for both you and your son.
7. Model Healthy Attachments: Show him how you manage your own attachments to objects or routines. Discuss how you might feel attached to certain items but also how you can let go of things that no longer serve you.
In conclusion, while it’s natural to worry about your son’s emotional health as he approaches adolescence, it’s essential to approach his attachment to clothing with understanding and patience. By fostering open communication, encouraging gradual transitions, and supporting his emotional development, you can help him build a sense of security and independence that will serve him well as he grows. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate his attachment but to help him navigate it in a healthy way.
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