Overcoming OCD: A Journey from Anxiety to Understanding - Psychiatry

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can feel very helpless?

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Hello, doctor.
I apologize for the length of this message.
I have been experiencing obsessive thoughts since high school (or even earlier).
After resolving one issue, new obsessive thoughts tend to arise after a few days.
During my sophomore and junior years, I occasionally had these thoughts, and my coping mechanism was to Google things obsessively to find some reassurance.
However, in my senior year, as I began preparing for graduate school entrance exams, the symptoms worsened to the point where I could not study.
The combination of obsessive anxiety and exam anxiety pushed me to confide in my parents about this inexplicable distress for the first time, hoping they would accompany me to see a doctor.
I remember that day vividly; my whole family cried.
I felt terrible for causing my parents worry at my age.
My first visit to a doctor was in October, but I chose not to take medication.
Instead, I talked with my parents, who reassured me that I was overthinking things.
(I have sought counseling, but I felt the therapist didn't address my concerns, and it was really expensive.) My condition still fluctuates between good and bad.
My obsessions mainly revolve around contamination, with a secondary focus on studying.
To elaborate on the contamination aspect, there are numerous triggers.
A common theme is the fear of unknown substances lingering or the harmful effects of items coming into contact with each other.
For instance, I recently bought a face cream, and the aluminum foil seal was difficult to remove (the packaging is similar to that of toothpaste or hand cream).
When my dad came into my room while I was trying to open it, I asked him for help.
I scrolled through my phone while waiting for him to open it, but when I glanced back, he had already torn it open with his teeth.
At that moment, I felt like I had been struck by lightning.
I started worrying that he hadn't brushed his teeth and that leftover food or alcohol might have contaminated the opening of the bottle.
(I suddenly remembered he smokes, which could also mean thirdhand smoke contamination, but that doesn't bother me as much; I consider it a real concern.) Sure enough, when I took it back, the opening was chewed up, and because he chews betel nut, it was stained red.
I began wiping off the red stains, but I was still worried that the wet wipes I used might have contaminated the cream, causing me to squeeze out some of the product.

Then came the obsessive thoughts that frequently trouble me: I only wiped the sides; the front seems untouched, but I already applied a second squeeze to my face.
What if there are still unclean areas that have transferred to my face, my phone, or my pillow...
or what if something harmful develops in the cream over time? Later, I think I used a tissue to wipe the front, but I forgot whether I had squeezed out cream that had touched the tissue.
What if the tissue had something that contaminated the cream, leading to something harmful when I use it next? These thoughts about potentially developing a serious illness keep resurfacing, and I feel like I'm going crazy.
I sense my parents feel the same way.
Currently, I continue to use the face cream because I can't keep throwing things away, and I have researched exposure therapy (I’m not sure if that’s the correct term XD).
I know I have to face these fears to return to normal!
As for the secondary issue related to studying, my textbooks and class notes are not separated; everything is compiled together.
I want to cover the explanations and practice the questions to see if I can answer them.
If I get something wrong, I can mark it or write it in a separate notebook.
However, I start spiraling into obsessive thoughts: What if, while flipping the page or covering the question, I inadvertently see the explanation or notes, and my subconscious picks up on it, causing me to forget to mark that question? When it comes time for the exam, I might not remember it.
Eventually, it escalates to the point where I think that if I mark a question, I might recall previous memories because of that mark, and if I don’t have a mark during the exam, I won’t remember it.
Or perhaps I previously saw a note on the adjacent page, and I have an impression of its color or shape, which could affect my recall during the exam, regardless of whether that note is related to the question.

I am hesitant to share these thoughts with those around me for fear they will think I'm strange, but I really want to know how normal people think.
If I knew that most people don’t worry about these things, I could probably let go of them.
I’m just afraid that I might be overlooking something important in my thoughts, and it’s truly distressing...

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Wenwen, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/12/19