Struggling with Schizophrenia: A Journey of Isolation and Hope - Psychiatry

Not wanting to make an effort?

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Hello, doctor.
I am a patient in psychiatry with a diagnosis of schizophrenia and have been regularly attending follow-up appointments and taking medication.
To keep it brief, I will summarize my situation.
When I was younger, I can't recall my exact age, but I deceived girls multiple times to engage in sexual relations with them.
After that, I stopped such behavior and gradually matured.
Regardless of whether I faced legal consequences at that time, during my school years, I was set up by my enemies and was severely bullied by teachers and classmates, which led to an abnormal psychological personality.

Later, I struggled to find a romantic partner, and due to my low educational background and unattractive appearance, I became aware that I had not had a girlfriend for a long time.
However, I am not a virgin.
Throughout my life, I have had no friends, not even one.
No girl has ever wanted to be with me, which I consider my karmic retribution.
Perhaps this is the reality of my hometown.
Maybe I should relocate to another city and start anew.
After graduating from vocational school, I couldn't find a girlfriend and was bullied by my boss at work, leading me to buy women's underwear for self-gratification to fulfill my psychological needs.
When I was 26 or 27, my mother passed away from cancer, which exacerbated my condition and led to my diagnosis of schizophrenia.
Initially, I experienced auditory hallucinations.
After more than a decade of hardship, I have come to realize that I will likely never find a partner willing to be with me or marry me.
I am destined to remain single for life.
My father also does not wish for me to marry, citing my symptoms and lack of money and education.
He worries that I might be deceived or exploited, and if a breakup occurs, the woman might demand financial compensation.
I know that many people choose not to marry nowadays, but sometimes I long for someone to talk to, to understand each other's thoughts and feelings, to provide warmth and care for one another, and perhaps occasionally fulfill each other's needs.
A few days ago, a colleague was injured and needs to take a month off.
I have been working for nine days straight without a break, exhausted to the point of missing two doses of my psychiatric medication.
I cannot take time off until the end of the month.
I have developed feelings for a quiet lady in my company, but she shows no interest in me, and I know very little about her.
I only know that another lady in the company is dating a certain officer.
I wonder if these ladies look down on someone like me, a cleaner.
I think that as a cleaner, if I want to like someone, I first need to evaluate my own worth.
I feel ashamed, and even I think it's unrealistic! Whenever I think this way, I become so sad that I don't want to put in any effort.
Even if I earn a salary every month, what does it matter if I end up alone and die without achieving anything?
I am genuinely grateful to my supervisor for hiring me, which has spared me from a life of turmoil.
I feel a moral obligation to help my injured colleague recover and return to work normally.
Once I have fulfilled this obligation, I might consider leaving my job to start over in a place where no one knows me.
However, right now, I feel despondent about my romantic situation and don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Although I previously attended tutoring sessions to prepare for national exams, I have been unable to study the materials, so how could I possibly pass the exams? I truly don't know what else I can do, especially since I am drawn to the type of person I like.

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Aimiao Yizu, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2023/03/03