Overcoming Life's Challenges: A Journey Through Mental Health and Employment

Living conditions

Hello, doctor.
I am a patient with a handbook.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 23 years.
My mother passed away in 1996, which was a significant blow to me! I have a handbook, and during my military service, I was bullied by enemies, which led to my discharge.
After returning home, it was quite difficult to find a job without a discharge order! In the end, I spent about ten years scavenging while looking for work...
which means I have been in a low state for over ten years! At first, no employers were willing to hire me.
Even when there were opportunities, I would often be late due to oversleeping the next day and would get fired! During this low period, aside from relatives avoiding me, knowing about my illness, they looked down on me.
Even my father and younger brother, who lived with me, bullied me because of my vulnerable situation! My father even constantly troubled me, threatening to kick me out of the house from time to time! Later, a benefactor was willing to help me by introducing me to temporary work, but I still sometimes overslept and was late.
However, when the temporary job ended, I saved a little money and used it to buy a motorcycle for transportation, as I had been commuting by bicycle.
I originally had a motorcycle, but it was an old, polluting vehicle, and while looking for work, it was reported by a passerby.
As a result, my father scrapped that motorcycle, and due to scavenging, I simply did not have money to pay for fuel taxes; even buying gasoline was a struggle! I worked very hard and seriously, but I still found myself late or absent due to oversleeping, which led me to keep searching for work.
Unlike before, since the benefactor introduced me to temporary work, I was finally able to list some decent jobs on my resume, and from that point on, I started to find work.
Even today, I still occasionally find myself late due to oversleeping.
Because I work in a private company, it entirely depends on whether the boss or supervisor wants to keep me! My psychiatrist repeatedly emphasizes the need to use an alarm clock! But sometimes, I still feel very sleepy and tired, and I turn off the alarm to continue sleeping.
Perhaps I have completely wasted the meaning of the help I received from my benefactor! And maybe if I hadn’t been bullied by teachers and classmates during my school years, my achievements today wouldn’t just be as a cleaner!? My last cleaning job depended entirely on whether the boss was willing to let me continue, and I worked there for over three years.
This was the longest job I held.
Yet, I was still fired due to the aforementioned issues! Now, I have a new job as a cleaner.
Aside from being occasionally late, I dare not be absent! I have been working as a community cleaner for over a year now.
Perhaps I should undergo a sleep study!? But I completely forgot what the situation was like from years ago!? Since I work in a community building, there are occasional, very rare impulses to jump from the highest point of the community! I told my attending physician about this situation, and the doctor asked me if there were any significant issues? How would he know? During my previous cleaning job, I secretly studied for civil service exams, which remains an impossible dream to this day! I completely cannot manage to work and study at the same time.
If I were to pass the exam, being stuck in a dull office looking at documents would be very unsuitable for my personality; I can't sit still.
Additionally, sometimes when I consult a certain teacher with questions, I don't know if it's the teacher's strange temperament or what, but it makes the teacher unhappy! Furthermore, if I don’t study for nearly a week or if I study often, I almost forget everything! It’s like starting over! The road to preparing for civil service exams has been filled with repeated setbacks, difficulties, and frustrations...
which makes me think about giving up altogether! But giving up feels unsatisfactory.
Perhaps now, giving up on the exams and finding a more relaxed job where I can work part-time is a choice?! I also know that I take my work too seriously, which affects my attendance, living situation, and study time...
etc., and I need to improve to reach a higher level! Back then, although I wasn’t particularly good at studying, I was at least an average high school student.
My situation is known to my attending physician.
I just feel like I am avoiding reality and being indecisive.
I feel completely unworthy of my deceased mother, as I have not succeeded in showing her my achievements, and I am ashamed to face her wishes!

Hsieh Cheng-Chieh, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2024/04/09

Dr. Tang Jiahong reply Psychiatry

Hello, thank you for your sharing.
It is truly not easy to persist and strive for improvement in the face of health challenges.
Wishing you all the best.
Tang Chia-Hong.

Reply Date: 2024/04/09

More Info

Overcoming life's challenges, especially in the context of mental health and employment, is a complex journey that many individuals face. Your story reflects a profound struggle with both mental health issues and the difficulties of finding stable employment, which can be incredibly disheartening. It's important to acknowledge the emotional weight of your experiences, including the loss of your mother, the bullying you faced, and the ongoing challenges in your work life.

Firstly, it’s commendable that you have been able to maintain employment as a cleaner for over a year, especially given the hurdles you’ve encountered. This demonstrates resilience and a willingness to engage with the world despite the difficulties. However, the recurring issues with punctuality and the feelings of inadequacy are significant challenges that need to be addressed.

Your mention of wanting to sleep through alarms and the struggle with motivation is not uncommon among individuals dealing with mental health issues. Sleep disturbances can be a symptom of various mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety. It might be beneficial to explore this further with your psychiatrist. A sleep study could provide insights into whether there are underlying sleep disorders contributing to your difficulties.
Additionally, the feelings of wanting to jump from heights and the sense of hopelessness you described are concerning. It’s crucial to communicate these feelings openly with your healthcare provider. They can help assess your mental health status and determine if adjustments to your treatment plan are necessary. Remember, it’s okay to seek help, and doing so is a sign of strength.

Regarding your employment situation, it’s understandable to feel frustrated about your current role and the perception of your achievements. Many people in similar situations feel trapped in jobs that don’t reflect their potential or aspirations. While it’s great that you have a job, it’s also important to consider what you truly want for your future. If pursuing a public service career feels overwhelming, it might be worth exploring other avenues that align more closely with your interests and strengths.
Consider seeking vocational rehabilitation services or job training programs that cater to individuals with mental health challenges. These programs can provide support in finding suitable employment that accommodates your needs and helps build your confidence. Additionally, they may offer resources for improving your skills, which could enhance your employability in the long term.

You mentioned feeling like you are letting down your late mother. It’s important to remember that your worth is not solely defined by your job or academic achievements. Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s okay to take time to find your path. Setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of control and accomplishment. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem.

Lastly, consider engaging in activities that bring you joy or fulfillment outside of work. This could be volunteering, pursuing a hobby, or joining a support group for individuals with similar experiences. Building a support network can provide emotional relief and help combat feelings of isolation.

In conclusion, overcoming life's challenges is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. It’s essential to prioritize your mental health and seek support when needed. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to help you navigate these challenges. Your story is still being written, and there is potential for growth and change ahead.

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