Depression and Its Impact on Mental Health: A Personal Journey - Psychiatry

Diagnosis of Depression and Mental Disorders

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Hello, Doctor.
I have some questions to ask you: (I apologize for the lengthy message!) Over a year ago (during my second semester of high school), I was diagnosed with depression.
During each follow-up appointment, the doctor would first ask how I was doing lately.
Given my mental state at the time, I would usually respond with a vague "I'm okay." The doctor prescribed medication for treatment but did not provide any psychological counseling.
After nearly six months of medication, my doctor referred me to Chang Gung Hospital, and my medication treatment came to a halt.
Fortunately, I sought psychological counseling from teachers, social workers, and religious figures, and my mental state gradually improved.
I think I should be better now?! The symptoms of hypersomnia, binge eating, lack of interest in things, negativity, and even suicidal behaviors have all disappeared.
However, what confuses me is that before my depression, I was a person with very high self-expectations.
Fortunately, I performed at a decent level in various aspects, although I had a repressive personality.
Now, I no longer hold myself to high standards in everything, and I have developed a nonchalant attitude towards trivial matters.
I am no longer meticulous, lack patience, and have lost my love for reading (which I used to enjoy very much).
Additionally, my memory is not as good as it used to be; I forget what I learn.
Previously, I neglected my studies due to depression, and now I am at the bottom of my class.
Almost all aspects of my personality have changed significantly from before, which makes me feel conflicted.
What is happening to me? I wish I could return to the excellent version of myself who excelled in everything, even though that version of me was repressed but had the joy of achievement.
Now, the indifferent version of myself struggles to do anything well.
Although I have learned to be more optimistic psychologically, I feel I have lost my original abilities.
Is this due to depression? Furthermore, I have almost no memory of the year and more that I spent dealing with depression; it feels like a blank.
Is this related to depression, and is it normal?
Another question: My family has a history of domestic violence.
The teachers and social workers who counsel me have suggested that my father "may" have a mental illness and advised me to encourage him to seek treatment.
However, I see it as a series of violent behaviors because I feel he is not that "out of control." I still hope to seek some answers: My parents divorced over a year ago, and before the divorce, there were constant conflicts—small arguments daily and major fights every three days (this was one of the reasons for my depression).
My father often woke my mother in the middle of the night to say very negative things to her.
After the divorce, due to financial circumstances, custody was granted to my father.
My father is an impulsive person; he had a very rebellious personality in his youth.
He slightly changed after marriage, but now that he is divorced, he has become irritable.
The chances of him being in a good mood are less than 1%.
He often becomes hysterical and only trusts friends and relatives (because they agree with him and speak ill of my mother and us children, even though we have done nothing wrong).
He has a deep distrust of us children, is always on guard against us, and plays mind games, especially showing disdain towards me as the eldest daughter.
He has hardly been kind to us for even a few minutes in the past year.
He believes that my mother is still his (forgetting that they are divorced) and thinks she ran off with someone else, portraying himself as the victim (in reality, my mother left because she could no longer endure his domineering behavior).
He once rallied relatives to confront us children (stopping just short of physical violence), claiming they wanted to resolve the father-daughter relationship, but to us, it felt like an attack (I still have nightmares about it).
Painfully, my father was there, fanning the flames! He often erupts in anger, but we never understand why (we have always done our household chores and managed everything).
Perhaps it is over trivial matters, like something not being put back in its place, but he never explains, often resorting to hysterical shouting.
He does not accuse us of specific wrongdoings but rather insults us, saying we are as worthless as my mother, blaming me for the situation between him and my mother, or threatening us with vague statements about our fate being the same as my mother's (I still do not understand what this means), and even spitting at me.
Sometimes he throws plates, stomps on cookies or fruits he has thrown on the floor, and even throws things at us.
Not to mention pushing or pulling actions (but I find it puzzling that I do not feel out of control; I can even push him away or close the door he is about to barge through, indicating he is not very strong).
He often gossips with others, spreading negative stories about us and my mother (to us, he twists our actions into negatives).
For a while, he would make silent phone calls to harass a suspected third party (even though my mother is currently dating this man).
He almost physically attacked him at work (they are colleagues) and spread defamatory rumors about him, threatening to kill him, causing distress to the other person's family.
My father often contradicts himself, sometimes demanding my mother return and other times saying it would be better if she did not come back.
He frequently changes his mind about other matters as well.
Strangely, he often brings home snacks for us and sometimes even asks us what we would like (usually electronic dictionaries or similar items), but he is very stingy with money for us, constantly telling us to save this and that (yet he is generous with friends and relatives, buying gifts for them).
He often believes we are naturally wasteful of his resources, thinking that after raising us, we owe it to my mother, so he feels very wronged.
In summary, his behavior seems normal on one hand but abnormal on the other, leaving me very confused.
Now, I am afraid of two sounds: the sound of the door opening (as if my father is coming home) and the sound of the phone ringing (because my mother calls to check on us, and after the call, it often leads to a storm—mildly, he might give us a cold shoulder and slam the door, or severely, it results in domestic violence).
Although hearing these sounds does not make me tremble, I always feel anxious or have a jolt of fear, which is quite distressing.
Moreover, I rarely have good dreams; this has been the case since childhood, but now I often wake up with uncomfortable memories from my dreams.
My father's behavior includes more than what I have described; these are just the more profound aspects.
The counselors have advised me to encourage him to seek treatment, but on one hand, telling him to seek treatment feels like a death sentence for myself, and on the other hand, due to legal and financial complexities, we children must give him custody.
The social workers and teachers can only passively advise us to avoid him and not engage with him, leaving us with no other options.
However, the situation has gradually worsened.
I hope to consult you to see if this truly indicates a mental illness.
If so, I would appreciate any suggestions for less direct (meaning not seeking treatment) ways to improve the situation or methods to encourage him to seek treatment.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy message, and I appreciate your patient response.
Thank you very much!

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Wenwen, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/10/17