Navigating Mental Health: A Journey Through Emotional Turmoil

Q: Navigating Mental Health: A Journey Through Emotional Turmoil

Hello, Dolphin netizen： After reading your heartfelt confession, I can almost feel your gray world. <br>The simple conclusion is that you are truly depressed and really need external support. <br>Since you are a student, the school counseling center should be your first choice; i

Gray Paradise

I have been living like this for a long time.
In my freshman year, I stayed in the school dormitory and lived with my classmates.
I felt the need to suppress my emotions, afraid of being seen by them.
I didn't want to share my true feelings, so I kept buying things to gain temporary happiness.
However, at midnight, I often recalled the things that made me unhappy and would cry continuously.
Sometimes my eyes would swell up, and I would be too afraid to go to class the next day, worried that my classmates would ask about it.
I also lost the desire to study, and my grades plummeted.
When I received my report card, I felt so sad.
My mom was also concerned about why my grades had dropped so much.
I considered taking a leave of absence but didn’t dare to confront the reality.
I even thought about ending my life, but I lacked the courage and couldn't bear to leave those who love and care for me.
Perhaps ending it all requires a moment of impulse.
This semester, I rented a place near the school and live alone.
Most of my classmates went to work when school started, so after class, I walk back to my place alone.
I am so afraid of being consumed by the emptiness, worried that my emotions will act up again.
I often find myself crying...
Recently, I thought about keeping myself busy to distract my mind, so I wanted to find a job to tire myself out, but it hasn’t helped much.
Happiness has become a fleeting decoration in my life: My left hand still bears the scars from a recent cut with a utility knife.
When I showered with hot water, I was relieved to still feel pain.
I don’t want to tell anyone because I fear that sharing will affect their feelings; it feels immoral.
The thoughts of wanting to end it all persist, with intermittent breaks, but now they have returned.
Recently, I wanted to find a consultant or expert to talk to, but I am scared.
Is this just my illusion? Is my emotional state sick? I fear being alone, feeling lonely and terrified.
I am just crying aimlessly.
It’s so frightening; I feel like I am being drowned by my surroundings.
I cry until I am scared; my eyes hurt so much.
I often recall things, but they are all sad memories.
I wish I had the courage to end it all, but I don’t know when that day will come.
I often write down my feelings...
sharing my thoughts and emotions with my diary is the only way I’ve found...
but sometimes I fear writing in my diary...
because I have to relive my unhappy feelings all over again.
How can I get out of this? I am so afraid of this version of myself, but I cannot control it.
What should I do? Am I really sick??????

Hǎitún, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/10/29

Dr. Chen Guangpeng reply Psychiatry

Hello, Dolphin netizen: After reading your heartfelt confession, I can almost feel your gray world.
The simple conclusion is that you are truly depressed and really need external support.
Since you are a student, the school counseling center should be your first choice; if you have any concerns, a community mental health center is also a good option.
However, based on your description, I personally believe that a combination of medication and psychotherapy may be the best choice.
Therefore, a comprehensive hospital with a well-established psychiatric department should be your top priority.
I hope you take a few steps forward to allow professionals the opportunity to lend a helping hand and pull you out of the gray mire.

Reply Date: 2004/10/29

More Info

Navigating mental health, especially during tumultuous times, can be incredibly challenging. Your experiences reflect a complex interplay of emotions, societal pressures, and personal struggles that many individuals face, particularly in transitional phases of life such as college. It’s important to recognize that what you are feeling is valid and that you are not alone in this journey.

From your description, it seems you are grappling with feelings of isolation, sadness, and anxiety, which are common among students living away from home for the first time. The pressure to maintain a facade of happiness while dealing with internal turmoil can lead to emotional exhaustion. Engaging in retail therapy for temporary relief is a coping mechanism many people use, but as you’ve noted, it often leads to a cycle of temporary happiness followed by deeper sadness.

The emotional pain you’re experiencing, including the urge to self-harm, is a serious matter. Self-harm can sometimes feel like a release or a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, but it is not a healthy or sustainable solution. It’s crucial to seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with the support and tools necessary to navigate these feelings. Therapy can offer a safe space to express your emotions without fear of judgment, and it can help you develop healthier coping strategies.

You mentioned feeling afraid of being alone and experiencing a fear of being consumed by your emotions. This fear is understandable, especially when you are in a new environment and feeling disconnected from others. It might be beneficial to explore ways to connect with others, even if it feels daunting. Joining clubs, attending campus events, or even engaging in online communities can help you build a support network. Sometimes, just knowing that others are experiencing similar feelings can provide comfort.

Writing in a journal, as you’ve been doing, can be a therapeutic outlet. It allows you to process your thoughts and emotions, but it’s important to balance this with activities that bring you joy or relaxation. Consider incorporating mindfulness practices, such as meditation or yoga, which can help ground you in the present moment and reduce feelings of anxiety.

Regarding your academic performance, it’s common for mental health struggles to impact concentration and motivation. If you’re comfortable, consider discussing your situation with a trusted professor or academic advisor. They may offer accommodations or resources to help you manage your coursework during this challenging time.

Lastly, it’s essential to address the thoughts of ending your life. These feelings are serious and should not be taken lightly. If you ever feel overwhelmed by these thoughts, please reach out to a crisis hotline or a mental health professional immediately. You deserve support and help in navigating these feelings.

In summary, your feelings are a signal that it’s time to seek help. You are not alone, and there are people and resources available to support you through this difficult time. Taking the first step to reach out for help can be daunting, but it is a courageous and vital move towards healing. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and doing so can lead to a brighter, more hopeful future.

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