Navigating Relationship Doubts: Should I Marry Despite My Fears?

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Dear Dr.
Chen,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over two years, and we are considering marriage.
However, I have been experiencing persistent doubts about whether I should marry her and if I have the ability to bring her happiness.
I feel overwhelmed and suffocated by these thoughts.
I am 31 years old and have severe myopia.
Although I regularly see an eye doctor, I have a deep, inexplicable fear of going blind or facing severe complications in the next ten or twenty years.
If I were to marry now and have children, I worry about how life would be then.
Would I burden my family and parents? Should I not get married? Moreover, I have been informed by my doctor that the likelihood of passing on my severe myopia to my children is high.
As the eldest son, I also fear disappointing my parents.
I am truly uncertain whether I should break up with my girlfriend.
She is aware of my eye condition and is willing to be with me, but my fears about the future are consuming me.
Can I truly make her happy, or should I let her go now to prevent future burdens? I genuinely love my girlfriend, and I am at a loss about what decision to make.
I am in pain and hope you can help me resolve this dilemma in my life.
Sincerely,
Jackson
Taipei

jason, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/04/13

Dr. Chen Mingzhe reply Psychiatry

Dear Jackson,
I hope this message finds you well! From your letter, I can see your sincere personality traits and your genuine love and care for her.
If she has a good man like you, who empathizes with her feelings and truly loves her, then her life is not in vain.

Couples are like birds in the same forest, supporting each other throughout their lives without regrets, whether in poverty or sickness.
Unity of heart is the key! You may have severe myopia, but other men may suffer from hypertension or diabetes, requiring lifelong medication without interruption.
If someone else were to marry her, wouldn’t her fate be even more difficult?
Moreover, everyone faces health challenges and adversities throughout life; enduring them is what ultimately leads to better days.
Lastly, Jackson, your sincerity and kindness are the foundation of her happiness for the rest of her life.
Wishing you both a joyful marriage!

Reply Date: 2005/04/13

More Info

Dear Jackson,
Navigating the complexities of relationships, especially when contemplating marriage, can be a daunting task, particularly when intertwined with personal fears and health concerns. It’s commendable that you are reflecting deeply on your feelings and the implications of your decisions.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that your fears regarding your eyesight and its potential impact on your future are valid. Many people experience anxiety about health issues, especially when they consider the responsibilities that come with marriage and parenthood. The fear of becoming a burden to loved ones is a common concern, but it’s crucial to remember that relationships are built on mutual support and understanding.

Your girlfriend’s willingness to be with you despite your health concerns indicates that she values you for who you are, not just your physical attributes. It’s essential to communicate openly with her about your fears and uncertainties. This transparency can strengthen your relationship and provide her with the opportunity to express her feelings and thoughts on the matter. It’s possible that she may have her own perspectives on how to navigate these challenges together.

When considering marriage, it’s also vital to reflect on what a partnership means to you. Marriage is not just about the idealized notion of happiness; it’s about facing life’s challenges together. If you feel that you can provide emotional support, love, and companionship, those are foundational elements of a successful marriage. Your concerns about potentially passing on genetic conditions to children are understandable, but it’s worth noting that many couples face similar dilemmas. Genetic counseling can provide insights into the risks and help you make informed decisions about family planning.

Moreover, it’s essential to address your mental health. The anxiety you’re experiencing can be overwhelming, and it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist can help you explore your fears, develop coping strategies, and gain a clearer perspective on your situation. This support can be invaluable as you navigate your relationship and personal concerns.

In terms of your relationship, consider the following steps:
1. Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with your girlfriend about your fears and concerns. Discuss your thoughts on marriage and family, and listen to her perspective.

2. Seek Professional Guidance: Consulting with a therapist can help you work through your anxiety and fears. They can provide tools to manage your thoughts and feelings more effectively.

3. Educate Yourself: Learn more about your condition and the potential implications. Understanding your health can empower you to make informed decisions and alleviate some of your fears.

4. Focus on the Present: While it’s natural to worry about the future, try to focus on the present moment. Enjoy your relationship and the time you spend together without being overly consumed by what-ifs.

5. Consider Counseling Together: If you both feel comfortable, couples counseling can help you navigate your relationship dynamics and strengthen your bond.

Ultimately, the decision to marry should come from a place of love, mutual respect, and understanding. If you believe that you can build a life together that is fulfilling and supportive, it may be worth pursuing. However, if your fears are too overwhelming and you feel that they would hinder your ability to be a supportive partner, it’s also okay to take a step back and reassess.

Remember, relationships are not just about the absence of fear but about how you choose to face those fears together. Whatever decision you make, ensure it aligns with your values and the love you have for your girlfriend. Take your time, and don’t hesitate to seek support along the way.

Wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this important decision.

Best regards,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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