My Struggles: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges - Psychiatry

What is wrong with me?

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Doctor: I feel like an idiot, constantly being bullied.
I've been very introverted since childhood; others say I have autism.
In elementary school, my teacher publicly criticized me for being too well-behaved, which made me cry.
After entering junior high, I became overweight, and my classmates called me introverted, "big-belly fool," smelly, and said I snored.
The teacher wanted me to take on a leadership role, but I didn't want to, so I was told to take care of myself since I was the most suitable in my family.
I was bullied by classmates, and the teacher only said not to bully others and not to let others bully me.
When I told my parents I wanted to transfer schools, my father just said that prison is darker (he has been incarcerated for gambling and disturbing public order).
Later, I transferred to a vocational class in junior high, but it was still the same teacher, so I couldn't escape this environment.
In high school, I was elected as the class monitor, and because of my previous experiences, I didn't refuse.
However, due to my introversion, I was afraid to manage, and the teacher said I was just a figurehead.
I didn't want to attend civic training, but the instructor told me I couldn't avoid military service.
After graduation, I didn't continue my studies or find a job; I attended a computer training class while waiting to enlist.
Later, due to my physical condition, I was assigned to alternative military service and during training at Cheng Kung Ling, my fellow alternative service members told me not to snore, or they would stuff socks in my mouth, saying I smelled.
They also reported me to the counseling officer, who yelled at me to take a shower, asking what I was learning there.
When it was time to select military assignments, I didn't bring my documents.
Those with college degrees selected first, and I could only choose from what was left.
I chose the Taipei City Police Department, but I was disqualified due to my physical condition, and they said I couldn't even speak properly.
I explained that my documents were at home, and the police officers questioned where my family was.
They said I couldn't even speak and still wanted to choose.
Eventually, I was assigned to the remaining unit, the Fifth Security Brigade, which is responsible for riot control and is located in Kaohsiung, while my family is in Taipei.
When I arrived at the Renwu Camp in Kaohsiung, my superiors said I seemed strange, not talking or interacting with others, and they initially wanted to reprimand me.
After six months of training, I was transferred to the Gangshan Camp, where I assisted a female police officer with personnel affairs.
I was happy to work on the computer, and I sent her a text message thanking her for her care and wishing her a Merry Christmas.
The female officer scolded me, saying the deputy had not told me how much care she provided and that phone calls were free.
After hearing this, I told my old deputy team leader that the female officer was very angry.
I spoke to my deputy in Taiwanese, saying the female officer mentioned that the deputy hadn't told me that I should be taken care of and that I shouldn't write anymore.
At that time, I made another mistake, and my deputy said she was right; she didn't like it, so I shouldn't write again.
Later, the female officer privately told me that I should have said something earlier; she thought I wouldn't write again.
She said that young people think it's nothing, but she minded it.
She told me not to feel down or discouraged, as she would also care.
She advised me not to assist with internal affairs.
I agreed at that time.
Later, I asked her if she still wanted me to assist her, and she said I should talk to the deputy.
I asked her if she was worried that she couldn't trust me, and she said no, I was doing well.
As a result, I told the deputy, and when I returned, she replaced me.
From that moment on, I felt I had psychological issues.
I told my superiors I wanted psychological counseling, but they said I was overthinking and made a lot of hurtful remarks, saying I couldn't even support myself, so how could I support others.
Later, I was not retained in internal affairs and was transferred to external duties, constantly being reassigned, and I was even threatened by police officers at the precinct that they could pin cases on me.
My mind kept replaying the same words and events.
After my military service, it continued like this for two years, and I still can't find a job.
I went to see a doctor, but I couldn't get an appointment.
I feel very frustrated, mentally restless, and scared.
Doctor, do I have a problem?

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Xiao Ming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/12/13