Struggling with Fear: Coping with a Troubled Relationship with My Father

Dilemma!

I don't know if it's because I was scolded by my father since childhood that has led me to fear being around him! I grew up in a household with domestic violence, and whenever my dad drank, he would start yelling at me! No matter what time it was, if he wanted to yell, he would wake me up to lecture me.
I couldn't stand this kind of life and even resorted to self-harm at one point! I wanted to end my life! After my parents divorced, my siblings and I lived with our father because our mother didn't have a place of her own to take us.
Now that I am an adult, I still feel very afraid to be alone with my father.
For example, whenever it's close to his quitting time, I inexplicably become anxious and scared.
I find myself wondering if he has been drinking or why he hasn't come home long after his work hours.
When I see that he hasn't been drinking, I feel a sense of relief.
But when he has been drinking, I start to worry because he will begin to look for trouble to lecture me about.
Even the smallest issues can be blown out of proportion in his eyes! Because I have mobility issues, whenever my drunken father goes upstairs, I start listening for noises from above.
I fear he might think of something to lecture me about, and I'm most afraid that if he gets into an argument with someone, he might pull out a knife.
I've seen my father threaten us with a knife whenever he couldn't win an argument with my mother.
Even when he falls asleep, my fear doesn't subside.
This has disrupted my daily life and has caused health problems.
Recently, I had another argument with my father over my brother's issues! I was so scared that I ran to my mother's house to live.
However, I still want to return to my own home (my father's house) because living at my mother's place feels uncomfortable! Maybe it's because it's not where I originally lived, I experience insomnia every day! Now, I don't know what to do.
I want to go back, but I'm also very fearful of my father! It makes me so tired! Moreover, I often have thoughts like "it would be better if I were dead" or "how great it would be if they were all dead!"

Ye, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2006/05/09

Dr. Yu Xie Zhao reply Psychiatry

Your depression, anxiety, and behavioral reactions have their origins.
This is a conditioned response.
I think you should at least accomplish the following three things: 1.
Have a source of income 2.
Move to a new place and adapt to the new residence 3.
Find a regular psychiatrist for treatment.

Reply Date: 2006/05/09

More Info

It sounds like you are dealing with a very complex and painful situation involving your father, and it’s understandable that you feel overwhelmed and fearful. Growing up in an environment marked by domestic violence and emotional abuse can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and your ability to cope with relationships, especially with a parent who has caused you significant distress.

Your feelings of anxiety and fear when anticipating your father's return home, particularly when he has been drinking, are a direct result of the trauma you experienced during your childhood. The unpredictability of his behavior likely instilled a sense of hyper-vigilance in you, where you are constantly on alert for potential conflict or abuse. This is a common response in individuals who have experienced trauma, as the brain learns to associate certain cues (like the time he comes home or the sound of him moving around the house) with danger.

It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. You have been through a lot, and it’s okay to feel scared and uncertain about your relationship with your father. The fact that you have thoughts about self-harm or wishing for death is concerning and indicates that you may be experiencing severe emotional distress. It’s crucial to seek help from a mental health professional who can provide you with the support and tools you need to cope with these feelings.

Here are some steps you might consider taking:
1. Seek Professional Help: Finding a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and family dynamics can be incredibly beneficial. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies for your anxiety and fear.

2. Establish Boundaries: If you decide to live with your father again, it’s essential to set clear boundaries for yourself. This might include limiting the time you spend alone with him or having a plan in place for when you feel unsafe.

3. Develop a Support System: Surround yourself with friends or family members who understand your situation and can provide emotional support. It’s important to have people you can talk to about your feelings and experiences.

4. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies that you enjoy. Taking care of your physical and mental health is crucial during this time.

5. Educate Yourself about Trauma: Understanding how trauma affects the brain and behavior can empower you to recognize your responses and work through them. There are many resources available, including books and online courses, that can provide valuable insights.

6. Consider Alternative Living Arrangements: If living with your father feels too overwhelming, it might be worth exploring other living arrangements, even if it means staying with your mother temporarily. Your safety and mental health should be the priority.

7. Crisis Plan: If you ever feel like you might harm yourself, it’s vital to have a crisis plan in place. This could include a list of people to call, a safe place to go, or a mental health hotline to reach out to.

Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. You deserve to feel safe and supported, and reaching out for help is a strong and brave step in the right direction.

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