Am I Experiencing Depression? My Emotional Struggles

Am I experiencing depression?

I would like to ask...
First, when I encounter situations where I don't perform well or when I am criticized, my mood inexplicably drops for a whole day.
This feeling is very uncomfortable for me, and I often find it hard to let go of what others say.
My emotional fluctuations seem to follow others' moods.
Additionally, I cry a lot; I really love to cry.
No matter the situation, especially when criticized or scolded, tears uncontrollably flow down my face.
I wonder if this is due to high self-esteem or excessive pessimism.

Second, I don't trust people very much and tend not to believe in others, which makes me reluctant to communicate with them.
I often struggle with how to communicate with peers, especially with older individuals or those I am not familiar with.
I often don't know how to talk to them, and even when I do, my words often miss the point.
I lack confidence and find it hard to make eye contact.
Generally, I prefer not to communicate with strangers unless necessary, but I really want to change this aspect of my personality.
I envy those who are lively, cheerful, and proactive in greeting others.
This is something I find very difficult to achieve, which makes me resistant to unfamiliar environments because getting to know others becomes a source of distress for me.
Third, due to the rearview mirrors on my bike, I realize that I feel very unsafe walking on the road because I can't see what's happening behind me.
This makes me paranoid when walking alone, so I prefer to ride my bike for transportation, but only on main roads.
I don't feel this way when shopping, at work, at school, or walking with friends.
Fourth, there is a significant age gap between my parents and me, which causes major communication issues.
Sometimes, even though I know they care about my safety, whenever I hear them ask where I am or urge me to come home quickly, I feel an inexplicable surge of anger, and my attitude worsens.
I cannot control my anger.
I don't understand why I have such a bad temper, especially towards my parents and those I am close to.
Whenever they interfere with my plans, my anger escalates uncontrollably.
I also feel sad about their lack of trust in me.
However, communication with them is ineffective, and it often leads to arguments, during which I inexplicably start crying.
The premise is that I don't want to be this way; I genuinely want to communicate well with them.
Fifth, I am very afraid of certain creatures, especially cockroaches.
I am terrified of them to a degree that even I find strange.
I scream when I see a cockroach, and if someone tries to scare me with one, I feel very angry and resentful towards them, to the point where I want to bite them and cry.
I wonder if this is normal.
Sixth, I remember that when I was a child, although I was introverted, I wasn't afraid to interact with strangers.
I would even proactively get to know new neighbors.
Now, I find it hard to say even a word to my neighbors.
Sometimes, when I see them, I feel like they must dislike me, so I avoid any interaction.
Seventh, I often struggle to concentrate.
No matter what others say, my mind quickly wanders elsewhere, and by the time I return, I have no idea what they were talking about.
As a result, my grades have always been average or below.
I often find myself daydreaming in class, but it's not that I want to sleep.
I also experience insomnia on Sundays.
Sometimes, I can't focus on tasks seriously; while others study diligently, I read a couple of lines before getting distracted by my phone, TV, or the internet.
I can't seem to settle down.
I don't know if these tendencies indicate a risk of depression.
I only know that when I face setbacks, my mood can drop significantly, and I even have thoughts of wanting to die.
However, I know that I am just thinking about it; I am not at the point where I would actually go through with it.
I just find that when I frequently encounter setbacks, my feelings of sadness can last for several days before I see the light again.
When I am in a bad mood, I often call my boyfriend to argue, even though it has nothing to do with him.
I will find trivial reasons to pick a fight, but when I am in a good mood, I can accept all his behaviors.
When I am in a bad mood, I cannot accept anything he does.
Sometimes, I impulsively consider seeing a psychiatrist, but I know that outpatient clinics are busy, and doctors may not have the time to listen to me slowly.
I also don't know where to start discussing these issues.
I am afraid of being left on the sidelines or being told that everything is fine after just a couple of sentences, which would leave me even more confused.
What should I do? Thank you.

Xiao Fan, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2006/08/09

Dr. Zhou Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

For psychiatrists, we cannot understand a person's inner world through instruments.
Therefore, the clearer one can describe their internal experiences, the better.
However, many people lack observation and awareness of their inner experiences, making it difficult to express them.
You have described your internal experiences very carefully, which is quite valuable.
To summarize, your concerns include feelings of depression, frequent crying, excessive pessimism, distrust of others, fear of cockroaches, and difficulty concentrating.
While it is not appropriate to make a hasty diagnosis online, I believe that each of these issues may take a considerable amount of time to address.
I would recommend that you undergo a psychological evaluation and treatment, as psychotherapy typically requires a significant duration of sessions.
There will be plenty of time for discussions, so you need not worry.
Please seek medical assistance as soon as possible.

Reply Date: 2006/08/09

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a complex mix of emotional struggles that could indeed be indicative of depression or anxiety. Your feelings of sadness, difficulty in managing emotions, and the impact of criticism on your mood are all significant indicators that warrant attention. Let's break down your concerns and explore some potential steps you can take to address these feelings.

Firstly, your emotional responses to criticism and feelings of inadequacy are common among individuals who struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. When you mention that your mood drops significantly after receiving criticism, it suggests that you may be overly sensitive to external validation. This sensitivity can lead to a cycle where negative feedback disproportionately affects your emotional state, resulting in prolonged periods of sadness or frustration. It's important to recognize that everyone faces criticism, and learning to separate your self-worth from others' opinions can be a crucial step in building resilience.

Your tendency to cry easily, especially in response to negative feedback, indicates a heightened emotional sensitivity. This is not inherently a flaw; rather, it can be a sign of a deep emotional capacity. However, if these feelings become overwhelming, it may be beneficial to explore coping strategies. Techniques such as mindfulness, journaling, or even engaging in creative outlets can help you process your emotions in a healthier way.

Regarding your difficulties in trusting others and communicating, it’s understandable to feel anxious in social situations, especially if you have a history of feeling judged or misunderstood. Building social skills takes time and practice. You might consider starting small, such as initiating brief conversations with acquaintances or participating in group activities where the focus is not solely on you. Gradually, this can help you feel more comfortable in social settings.

Your feelings of anger towards your parents when they express concern for your safety may stem from a combination of stress and a desire for independence. It’s common for young adults to feel a push-pull dynamic with their parents, especially when there are generational differences in communication styles. Finding a calm moment to express your feelings to them, perhaps writing a letter if face-to-face communication feels too daunting, could help bridge that gap.

The fear you mentioned regarding certain creatures, like cockroaches, can be classified as a specific phobia. While it may seem irrational, these fears are valid and can be addressed through gradual exposure therapy or cognitive-behavioral techniques that help desensitize you to the fear.

Your struggles with concentration and sleep disturbances are also noteworthy. These symptoms can be associated with anxiety and depression, and they can significantly impact your academic performance and overall quality of life. Establishing a consistent sleep routine, minimizing distractions while studying, and perhaps incorporating relaxation techniques before bed could help improve your focus and sleep quality.

Finally, the thoughts of wanting to escape or feeling hopeless are serious and should not be taken lightly. While you mentioned that you do not have active suicidal thoughts, the presence of such feelings indicates that you may benefit from professional support. Seeking help from a mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to explore these feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs.
In terms of accessing mental health services, many clinics and hospitals offer confidential support, and it’s important to find a provider who makes you feel comfortable. You can start by reaching out to a school counselor or a community mental health center, where you can discuss your feelings and explore options for therapy or medication if necessary.

In conclusion, it’s crucial to acknowledge your feelings and seek support. You are not alone in this struggle, and there are professionals who can help guide you through your emotional challenges. Taking the first step to reach out for help is a sign of strength, and it can lead you toward a path of healing and self-discovery.

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