My Struggles: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges - Psychiatry

What is wrong with me?

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I feel like an idiot, constantly being bullied.
I've been very withdrawn since childhood, and others say I have autism.
In elementary school, my teacher publicly criticized me for being too obedient, which made me cry.
I was extorted by a group of kids in the park and was so scared that I became dazed.
When I was hit by a car from behind, I didn't even speak; it was as if I was in shock.
After entering junior high, I became overweight, and my classmates called me withdrawn, fat, smelly, and said I snored.
There were many troublemakers in my class who bullied and fought, and even the female teacher didn't teach us.
When a male teacher came in and wanted me to take on a leadership role, I didn't want to, so he told me to take care of myself, saying my family was the most suitable for it.
I was bullied by my classmates, and the teacher only said not to bully others and not to let others bully me.
When I told my parents I wanted to transfer schools, my father just said that prison is darker (he has been imprisoned for gambling and disturbing the peace).
In junior high, I played badminton and accidentally hit a classmate, who then demanded compensation from me.
Eventually, I transferred to a vocational junior high, but it was still the same teacher, and I couldn't escape this environment.
In high school, I was elected as the class monitor, but because of my previous experiences, I didn't refuse.
However, due to my social anxiety, I was afraid to manage and was told by the teacher that I was just a figurehead.
I didn't want to attend civic training, but the instructor told me I couldn't avoid military service.
One night, I was hit by a motorcycle while attending class, and I didn't say anything; it felt the same as being hit before.
After graduation, I didn't pursue further education or work.
I attended a computer training class while waiting to enlist.
After moving, I had to call to set up the internet, but the community leader living downstairs overheard my call and spread rumors that I was conspiring to bring people over.
When a car broke down downstairs, he also told others that I was responsible for breaking it.
I felt very anxious and scared.
Later, due to my physical condition, I was assigned to alternative military service and during training at Cheng Kung Ling, my fellow alternative service members told me not to snore, or they would stuff my mouth with socks, calling me smelly and reporting me to the counseling officer, who angrily told me to take a shower and questioned what I was learning there.
During the selection for military service, I forgot to bring my documents.
The selection was first for college students, and high school students could only choose what was left.
I chose the Taipei City Police Department, but I was disqualified due to my physical condition.
They said I couldn't even speak properly.
I explained that my documents were at home, and they questioned what family meant.
Eventually, I was assigned to the last remaining unit, the Fifth Special Police Corps, which is responsible for riot control and is stationed in Kaohsiung, while my family is in Taipei.
When I arrived at the Kaohsiung Renwu Camp, my superiors said I seemed strange, not speaking or interacting with others, and they initially intended to reprimand me.
After six months of training, I was transferred to the Gangshan Camp, where I assisted a female police officer with personnel tasks.
I was happy to work on the computer, and I sent her a message thanking her for her care and wishing her a Merry Christmas.
The female officer scolded me, saying the deputy hadn't told me to expect care, and that phone calls were free.
After hearing this, I told my old deputy that the female officer was very angry.
I spoke to my old deputy in Taiwanese, saying the female officer mentioned that the deputy hadn't told me to expect care, and I shouldn't write anymore.
I mistakenly said something wrong again, and my deputy said she was right; she didn't like it, so I should stop writing.
Later, the female officer privately told me that I should have said something earlier; she thought I wouldn't write again.
She said young people often think it's nothing, but she minded it, and I shouldn't feel down.
I also cared about her feelings and advised her not to assist with internal affairs.
At that time, I agreed.
Later, I asked her if she still wanted me to assist her, and she said I wasn't supposed to tell the deputy.
I asked her if she didn't trust me, and she said no, I was doing well.
So, I told the deputy, and when I returned, she replaced me.
From that moment on, I kept walking around, thinking I had psychological issues.
I told my superiors I wanted psychological counseling, but they said I was overthinking.
I received a lot of hurtful comments, and people said I couldn't even support myself, so how could I support others? I thought about suicide and jumping off a building.
Eventually, I was not kept in internal affairs and was transferred to external duties, constantly being reassigned.
At the police station, I witnessed many incidents like gunfights, car accidents, fires, thefts, robberies, assaults, drunkenness, domestic violence, and the dark side of society.
In external duties, I was also pressured by alternative service members to take drugs, which scared me, and I was threatened by police officers at the station that they could pin cases on me.
I wanted to return to the camp, but my superiors said it was freer outside, and if I came back, I would just have to do my duty and discharge.
I didn't want to stay at the police station; I spent my nights walking around outside, and everyone said I seemed strange.
I followed the duty roster but was called a fool.
While walking outside, people would ask me if I wanted to pick up women, which terrified me.
My mind kept replaying the same words and events.
Even after discharge, it remained the same.
I went to stay with my sister, working at a factory where I had to stand for twelve hours without rest for four days, with no breaks or year-end bonuses.
I worked one day standing for twelve hours in a noisy environment, and I was constantly scolded.
My mind kept dwelling on the past.
Then Carrefour asked me to come, but when I went, they didn't want me.
For over two years now, I haven't been able to find a job.
I keep receiving calls asking me to apply, but they don't provide company names, and the locations are very remote.
They say they want to keep it hidden from others and that they aren't asking me to sell anything.
I'm very afraid of being scammed.
When I go out, people look at me and say I'm strange.
I feel like I'm constantly being bullied and played with, which makes me very frustrated.
Psychologically, I feel anxious and scared.
I have intrusive thoughts about stealing, robbing, killing, and hitting people.

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Xiao Ming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2006/09/21