Is Jealousy Affecting Our Mental Health? A Couple's Struggle

Are we sick?

Hello, Dr.
Chen! My husband and I have been in a relationship for about six years and have been married for seven years now.
My husband is very jealous and dislikes me interacting with other men.
He even imagines things when I go to work, knowing that I will inevitably talk or discuss matters with others (even though I have explained to him that I am not someone who enjoys chatting with people).
Three years ago, when I was pregnant with our second child, I accidentally missed a couple of steps on the stairs and fell.
After giving birth, I have experienced daily lower back pain and discomfort in my right leg, especially when the weather changes.
I have visited a traditional Chinese medicine clinic for adjustments and chiropractic treatment, but we always end up arguing.
He accuses me of being dirty and loving to be touched by others.
Due to time constraints and his objections, I stopped going, but my condition has only worsened.
Recently, I thought to myself that I am only in my early thirties, and if I want to travel with my husband when we are older, I need to be in good health.
My entire back and right leg have been very uncomfortable.
I went to a traditional Chinese medicine clinic recommended by a senior colleague, which is only a 30-minute drive from home, and I was quite happy about that! However, since my husband was abroad and is very jealous, I planned to wait 2-3 days until he returned to tell him.
Unfortunately, what started as just a massage turned into cupping therapy that day.
When my husband returned, I told him about it due to certain factors.
At first, he was angry and felt that I did not treat him as my husband.
He accused me of being dirty and letting others touch me, saying that my body had already been touched by another man and that he didn't want me anymore.
I explained that I only went for treatment and that there was a female assistant present, but he didn't believe me.
He said that since he didn't see it, I could have done something inappropriate.
No matter how much I tried to explain, I couldn't overcome his suspicions.
I truly love him and want to spend my life with him, which is why I did this.
He said he no longer needed me and that I should go find those people instead.
He expressed that his heart was in pain and he didn't know how to handle it anymore.
But my heart is also in pain! I need him.
Why is he treating me this way when I just went to see a doctor? Yesterday, he told me that he found an outlet for his feelings and that whatever I did, he would do as well, and he wouldn't necessarily tell me.
He believes this will make him happier.
Dr.
Chen, is my husband sick? Is he so jealous even about seeing a doctor? Or am I the one who is unwell???? I often argue with him about these issues, and when he ignores me, I feel so low that I think of various ways to commit suicide...
but I can't let go of the children (though this only happens after we argue; at other times, I am still very happy).

Xin Tong, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2007/08/13

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry

Dear Heartache,
Based on your letter, I can sense that you are experiencing significant distress, and it seems that the source of this pressure is your husband's lack of trust in you.
Issues within a marriage can indeed be a major source of stress for an individual.
Many teaching hospitals have psychiatric departments that offer "marital therapy" services, which you can seek out for solutions nearby.
How can you encourage your husband to accompany you? Perhaps you could first seek assistance through an outpatient clinic and then honestly tell your husband that this feeling of distrust has made you unhappy, which is why you decided to see a mental health professional for counseling.
He may not believe you at first, or he might feel jealous about whether you are genuinely attending the sessions and if there is anyone else in the room besides you and the therapist.
You could share your appointment times with him to help build his trust.
This could also be an opportunity for him to accompany you, allowing him to understand the entire counseling process and engage in discussions with the therapist.
Thank you for your letter!

Reply Date: 2007/08/13

More Info

Jealousy can significantly impact mental health, particularly in romantic relationships. It often stems from insecurities, fear of abandonment, or low self-esteem, leading to a cycle of distrust and conflict. In your situation, it appears that your husband's jealousy is affecting both of you deeply, creating emotional turmoil and misunderstandings.

Jealousy can manifest in various ways, including possessiveness, suspicion, and controlling behavior. These behaviors can lead to increased anxiety and stress for both partners. In your case, your husband's jealousy seems to be exacerbated by his concerns about your interactions with other men, even in professional settings. This can create a toxic environment where open communication is stifled, leading to further misunderstandings and emotional pain.

From a psychological perspective, jealousy can be seen as a response to perceived threats to a relationship. When one partner feels insecure, they may react by trying to control the other’s behavior, which can lead to resentment and conflict. Your husband's reaction to your visits to the doctor, for instance, indicates a deep-seated fear of losing you or being replaced, which is often rooted in his own insecurities.

It's important to recognize that both partners in a relationship can suffer from the effects of jealousy. While your husband may be projecting his fears onto you, your emotional responses—such as feeling low or contemplating self-harm—are valid and concerning. These feelings indicate that the situation is taking a toll on your mental health, and it's crucial to address them.

Communication is key in navigating jealousy. It’s essential to have open and honest discussions about feelings, boundaries, and trust. However, it seems that your husband may not be receptive to these conversations, which complicates the situation. If he is unwilling to acknowledge his jealousy or its impact on your relationship, it may be beneficial for both of you to seek professional help. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues and develop healthier communication patterns.

Additionally, it’s vital to prioritize your mental health. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or contemplating self-harm, it’s crucial to seek support from friends, family, or mental health professionals. Your well-being is paramount, and there are resources available to help you navigate these feelings.

In conclusion, jealousy can profoundly affect mental health and relationships. It’s essential to address these feelings constructively and seek help if necessary. Both you and your husband may benefit from professional guidance to understand and manage these emotions better. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and seek support when needed.

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