Can a couple with sexual incompatibility get married?
Dr.
Liu: Hello! I would like to ask you a question that has been troubling me for a long time.
I love my boyfriend, and we have been together for many years, but I have always felt regret that our sexual relationship is not very good.
I enjoy genuine intercourse, as it gives me a sense of intimacy and belonging with him.
However, he does not like it; he prefers manual or oral stimulation, claiming that it feels better that way.
Moreover, it takes him a long time (about 15 to 20 minutes) to reach climax.
We have communicated about this and have tried genuine intercourse multiple times, but he loses interest quickly and cannot maintain an erection, regardless of the position.
As a result, we mostly take turns giving each other manual stimulation.
I feel very frustrated and don’t know what to do.
We are planning to get married, but with this sexual incompatibility, can we still get married? (We do not plan to have children.) P.S.
He is resistant to taking Viagra and does not want to see a doctor.
He is a doctor himself, although in a different field.
~Confused Woman
Kunhuo Nü, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2008/08/06
Dr. Liu Jianting reply Urology
It is indeed a very tricky issue, and it is also a challenging relationship.
I believe that with your life experience, you will definitely find a way to resolve it.
I suggest you read a book titled "Misconceptions About Sexual Knowledge."
Reply Date: 2008/08/06
More Info
When it comes to the question of whether you can get married despite sexual incompatibility, it’s important to consider several factors that can influence the dynamics of a relationship. Sexual compatibility is a significant aspect of many romantic partnerships, and it can affect emotional intimacy, satisfaction, and overall relationship health. However, it is not the sole determinant of a successful marriage.
Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize that sexual preferences and desires can vary greatly between individuals. In your case, you have expressed a desire for traditional sexual intercourse, which you associate with intimacy and connection. On the other hand, your partner seems to prefer alternative forms of sexual expression. This difference in sexual preferences can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment, as you’ve experienced. Open and honest communication is vital in addressing these issues. It’s essential to discuss your needs and desires with your partner and explore whether there is a middle ground that can satisfy both of you.
Moreover, sexual incompatibility does not necessarily mean that a relationship is doomed. Many couples face challenges in their sexual lives, and these can often be resolved through therapy, counseling, or simply by having candid conversations about each other's needs. Since your partner is a doctor, he may have insights into the physiological aspects of sexual performance and may be able to address any underlying issues that could be contributing to the difficulties you’re experiencing. Encouraging him to seek help or to explore these issues together could be beneficial.
Additionally, it’s important to consider the emotional aspects of your relationship. If you both share a strong emotional bond and mutual respect, these elements can often help bridge gaps in sexual compatibility. Emotional intimacy can sometimes compensate for physical discrepancies, allowing couples to maintain a fulfilling relationship even if their sexual experiences differ from traditional norms.
It’s also worth noting that many couples find ways to adapt their sexual practices to accommodate each other’s preferences. This might involve exploring new forms of intimacy that you both find pleasurable. Engaging in activities like sensual massages, cuddling, or other forms of physical affection can help maintain closeness and connection, even if traditional intercourse is not a frequent occurrence.
If you are considering marriage, it may be beneficial to seek premarital counseling. A therapist can help facilitate discussions about your sexual relationship and provide tools to improve communication and intimacy. They can also help you both set realistic expectations for your sexual life together.
Ultimately, the decision to marry should be based on a comprehensive understanding of your relationship, including emotional compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect. While sexual compatibility is an important factor, it is not the only one. Many couples successfully navigate sexual differences and build strong, loving marriages. If both partners are committed to working through their differences and finding solutions together, there is a good chance that your relationship can thrive despite the challenges you face.
In conclusion, while sexual incompatibility can present challenges, it does not have to be a dealbreaker for marriage. Open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to explore solutions together can help you navigate this aspect of your relationship. If both you and your partner are committed to making it work, there is a strong possibility that you can build a fulfilling life together, even if your sexual experiences differ from traditional expectations.
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