Overcoming Relationship Barriers: Navigating Love, Self-Confidence, and Mental Health

Relationship difficulties

At my age, I have never been in a relationship; I really want to date and eventually get married and have children because I love kids.
However, I lack confidence in myself and in the men in society.
I am short and overweight, but I don't want to attract the opposite sex based on my body or appearance; I believe that is not genuine.
Nowadays, many men seem to overlook a woman's inner qualities and attitude, only appreciating physical beauty.
Additionally, I cannot accept men who have had sexual experiences or those who would pressure me into premarital sex.
I feel that such men do not respect women, and I also do not want to rely on birth control pills, as I believe they are not good for my health.
Typically, these men claim they will take responsibility, but their idea of responsibility often means asking you to terminate a pregnancy.
As someone who loves children, I would never consider abortion.
Is the purpose of dating just sexual relations? Can't we engage in other forms of intimacy? Can't we do other things?
Honestly, I used to struggle with accepting men who had previous girlfriends because I worried that when they held or kissed me, they would compare me to their exes.
So currently, I can only resort to self-stimulation to imagine an intimate relationship.
I only dare to touch myself a little.
As a student, I often think about sex and sexual activities, which I feel is not good and sometimes distracts me.
Since I am not in my major field of study, I should be working harder.
However, with couples all around me, I inevitably think about how to change this mindset.
I know it's wrong to generalize all men this way, but I also don't want to conform to negative influences.
I don't want to become someone who is very open about sex, as I have seen others who were once like me but have now become more liberal.
They say the benefit of premarital sex is being able to experience many partners, since your future wife will also have had experiences.

Furthermore, I would like to ask about my past struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for which I took medication intermittently.
I'm not sure how long I was on it.
Will this affect my future children, potentially leading them to have Asperger's syndrome or other mental health issues?

ni逆, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/12/13

Dr. Huang Weiqin reply Psychiatry

Dear Inquirer,
Hello! Based on your description, it seems that you lack confidence in yourself and potential partners.
Since you are a student, I recommend that if your school schedule permits, you consider visiting the counseling center to engage in self-development and self-affirmation sessions with a counselor.
Additionally, if you are experiencing symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), it would be advisable to have a friend or family member accompany you to a psychiatric (or psychosomatic) outpatient clinic, where a psychiatrist can assist with the necessary evaluation and treatment.
(If you are willing to undergo treatment, this condition often improves within one to two weeks of medication.) Regarding the hereditary aspect, since the relevant information is still unclear, it is advisable not to consider this issue at the moment.

I hope this response is helpful.
Thank you for your inquiry, and I wish you peace and health.

Reply Date: 2015/12/13

More Info

Navigating the complexities of relationships, self-confidence, and mental health can be particularly challenging, especially when societal expectations and personal insecurities come into play. Your concerns about not having experienced a romantic relationship at your age, coupled with feelings of inadequacy regarding your appearance and the dynamics of modern dating, are valid and shared by many.
Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that self-esteem plays a crucial role in how we perceive ourselves and interact with others. Your feelings of being "short and overweight" can lead to negative self-perceptions, which may hinder your ability to connect with potential partners. However, it’s essential to remember that attraction is multifaceted; while physical appearance can play a role, many people value personality, kindness, and shared interests far more. Focusing on your strengths, such as your love for children and your desire for meaningful connections, can help shift your perspective.

Regarding your views on relationships and sexual intimacy, it’s clear that you have strong values and boundaries. It’s perfectly acceptable to seek a relationship that aligns with your beliefs about respect and intimacy. The notion that relationships should be solely about sexual encounters is a misconception; many people seek emotional connections, companionship, and shared experiences. It’s crucial to communicate your values and boundaries to potential partners early on, ensuring that you attract those who respect your views.

Your discomfort with the idea of men who pressure for sexual activity is understandable. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, and it’s important to find someone who shares your values. Engaging in open conversations about intimacy and what it means to you can help establish a foundation of trust and respect in any potential relationship.

As for your concerns about your past experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and the potential impact on future children, it’s important to approach this topic with care. While some mental health conditions can have a genetic component, many factors contribute to the development of such conditions, including environmental influences and individual experiences. It’s advisable to consult with a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation. They can help you understand the complexities of mental health and its potential implications for future generations.

Moreover, if you find that thoughts about sex and relationships are distracting you from your studies, it may be beneficial to explore coping strategies. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, can help you manage intrusive thoughts and focus on your academic goals. Engaging in hobbies or activities that bring you joy can also serve as a positive distraction and help build your self-esteem.

Lastly, consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings, work through your insecurities, and develop strategies for building self-confidence. Therapy can also help you navigate the complexities of relationships and understand your emotions better.

In conclusion, overcoming relationship barriers involves a combination of self-acceptance, clear communication of your values, and seeking support when needed. Remember that you are not alone in your feelings, and many people share similar struggles. By focusing on your strengths and seeking connections that align with your values, you can create fulfilling relationships that enhance your life.

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