Avoidant Personality Disorder: A Personal Journey to Healing

Q: Avoidant Personality Disorder: A Personal Journey to Healing

Hello, online user： With so many negative thoughts you're experiencing, I wonder if you're currently seeking medical help? It's difficult to determine if it's avoidant personality disorder, but it's important to discuss these concerns with a trusted expert. <br>Currently, health

Avoidant Personality Disorder

A few days ago, I accidentally came across a book discussing avoidant personality, and I felt that every sentence resonated with me.
About two years ago, I was diagnosed with depression, and during that time, the symptoms were quite evident.
However, I always felt that the issues troubling me were not solely due to depression.
I have undergone psychological counseling, but I found it difficult to build trust with the doctor in such a short time, and I felt quite resistant.
After all, these issues are deeply rooted within me, and the cost of each session is not cheap.
As someone without an income, I feel embarrassed to let my parents bear this expense and accompany me to the clinic.
Since childhood, I have always been afraid of going out and have struggled with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.
I fear crowded places and meeting new people.
Additionally, I have had a stuttering problem since I was young, which improved a bit in high school, but even now, I still experience moments where words get stuck in my throat.
When I can't express myself, my heart races, and I feel very uncomfortable.
This situation also occurs when I face acquaintances or family members, and I often feel unable to get close to others.
When it comes to friendship, familial love, or romantic love, I can't express my feelings as effortlessly as others do.

Strangely, if someone I secretly like reveals that they like me back or confesses their feelings, I suddenly lose interest in them and even feel repulsed by being in the same space.
Therefore, I don't expect to be in a romantic relationship, fearing that I might hurt someone.
Since I dropped out of school in my second year of high school, I have attempted to return twice but have been unable to do so.
I thought I could take the time to study well and get into a decent university, but I kept avoiding it and was afraid to confront my issues.
I realized that my biggest problem was my own unhealthy mindset, filled with flaws.
I needed to sort myself out before I could start my life anew.
I began taking medication for depression, and I didn't want to appear overly negative, so I tried to be a bit happier.
My family noticed I seemed better, and the doctor said I was doing great.
When my family asked if I wanted to get a job, I realized that staying home all day doing nothing wasn't a solution.
At that time, I was 17, not good at socializing, and fearful of many things, and I wasn't very skilled at working either.
That job lasted only three months.
I was anxious every day, trying hard to do well, but I was told I needed to be more responsible.
They criticized my work efficiency and attitude, which left me shocked and upset.
Not long after, I resigned.
My family thought that since I didn't want to work, I should focus on studying and preparing to return to school.
I wanted to do that too, but every time I thought about studying and exams, I felt terrified.
For a long time, I have been avoiding facing this fear.
I dread when people ask me what I plan to do in the future or which university I want to attend because I can't answer.
Others think I am being irresponsible and lazy, and I feel useless.
I know that becoming this way is my fault.
I wonder how I can save myself.
I am so afraid to talk to my family about this because I don't think they would understand.
I fear they would think I'm being unreasonable.
I feel like I can't change anything, and I often think that one day, I might end my life when something unbearable happens.
That day will eventually come.

Eva, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/02/24

Dr. Wu Enliang reply Psychiatry

Hello, online user: With so many negative thoughts you're experiencing, I wonder if you're currently seeking medical help? It's difficult to determine if it's avoidant personality disorder, but it's important to discuss these concerns with a trusted expert.
Currently, health insurance in Taiwan covers psychological therapy, and local health bureaus also provide free mental health consultations.
If cost is a concern, you can choose from these resources.
Additionally, it would be beneficial to discuss your issues with your psychiatrist to find better ways to cope with life.
Regardless of any personality issues, they can gradually improve with personal growth.
Dr.
Wu En-Liang

Reply Date: 2020/02/24

More Info

Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) can be a complex and deeply personal journey, especially when intertwined with experiences of depression and anxiety. Your reflections resonate with many who struggle with similar feelings of inadequacy, fear of social situations, and the overwhelming weight of self-doubt. It’s important to recognize that you are not alone in this experience, and there are pathways to healing and understanding.

What is Avoidant Personality Disorder?
Avoidant Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. Individuals with AvPD often experience intense fear of rejection and humiliation, leading to avoidance of social interactions and a reluctance to engage in new experiences. This can manifest as a fear of meeting new people, anxiety in social situations, and a tendency to withdraw from relationships, even with those who care about them.

The Impact of Past Experiences
Your journey seems to have been significantly shaped by past experiences, including bullying and social anxiety during formative years. These experiences can contribute to the development of AvPD, as they reinforce negative beliefs about oneself and create a cycle of avoidance. The fear of judgment and the feeling of being misunderstood can lead to isolation, which further exacerbates feelings of depression and anxiety.

The Role of Therapy
It’s understandable that you feel hesitant about therapy, especially when it involves discussing deeply personal issues. Building trust with a therapist can take time, and it’s crucial to find a mental health professional who understands your concerns and can create a safe space for you to express yourself. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is often effective for AvPD, as it helps individuals challenge and reframe negative thought patterns, gradually exposing them to feared social situations in a controlled manner.

Medication and Support
You mentioned being on medication for depression, which can be a helpful component of your treatment plan. Antidepressants may alleviate some symptoms of anxiety and depression, making it easier for you to engage in therapy and social situations. However, medication alone is often not sufficient; combining it with therapy can lead to more significant improvements.

Building Self-Compassion
A critical aspect of overcoming AvPD is developing self-compassion. It’s essential to recognize that everyone has flaws and that perfection is unattainable. Practicing self-kindness and understanding can help mitigate the harsh self-criticism that often accompanies AvPD. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic way to process your emotions and reflect on your progress.

Setting Small Goals
Instead of overwhelming yourself with the idea of significant life changes, consider setting small, achievable goals. This could be as simple as initiating a conversation with a classmate or participating in a group activity. Celebrate these small victories, as they can help build your confidence over time.

Seeking Support from Others
While it may feel daunting, reaching out to trusted friends or family members about your struggles can provide additional support. They may not fully understand what you’re going through, but sharing your feelings can help alleviate some of the burdens you carry. Additionally, support groups for individuals with similar experiences can offer a sense of community and understanding.

Conclusion
Your journey towards understanding and healing from Avoidant Personality Disorder is a brave and significant step. It’s essential to acknowledge your feelings and experiences while also seeking the support and resources that can help you navigate this path. Remember, healing is not linear, and it’s okay to take your time. With the right support, self-compassion, and gradual exposure to social situations, you can work towards a more fulfilling life. If you ever feel overwhelmed, please reach out to a mental health professional or a trusted individual in your life. You deserve to be heard and supported.

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