Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: Strategies for Personal Transformation - Psychiatry

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How to change one's personality?


Hello Doctor: "Lack of confidence" is my biggest issue.
I have tried many methods and read numerous books, including Carnegie, but nothing has truly resonated with me (perhaps it's because deep down I don't believe change is possible or effective!).
Even the positive power mentioned in "The Secret" naturally prompts me to counter it—am I just unwilling to improve? When I encounter people I know, I tend to want to avoid them.
On MSN, I often find myself at a loss for words after a few exchanges, and I prefer to log off early—fearing rejection.
Although I rationally understand that if someone says they are busy, they might genuinely be busy, I can't help but think, "Do they not like me, and that's why they don't want to talk to me?"
I've read "You Are Special," but I constantly label myself.
I desperately want to change, yet feel powerless to do so.
Some suggest tracing back to find the points of fixation and then letting go—releasing emotions to change my personality.
I believe I can identify my fixation points, but I don't know how to let them go.
For example, I was very happy as a child, but when my father scolded me, saying, "What’s there to be happy about?" it led to my current fear of being too happy.
Before my parents had a good life, I felt I couldn't have one either.
My parents were very frugal, so I felt I had to be frugal too.
In middle school, my mother often commented on how other people's children were doing (I felt she wanted me to be like them, even though she never said so).
But my personality is shaped by my own experiences—can I blame my family? This leaves me with guilt.
Yet, I really wish I didn't have this kind of personality.
If it weren't for this environment, perhaps I wouldn't have developed this personality.

CHIA, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2008/06/29

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry


Hello CHIA: Since you also perceive it as "personality," the development of personality is fundamentally a combination of innate temperament and environmental factors.
You cannot choose your innate temperament, and the environment has already shaped you over the past 28 years, which cannot be undone.
This unique personality is exclusive to you among billions of people in the world; only you understand "it," and only you can fully accept "it" without regrets.

Of course, every personality has its positive and negative traits.
The first 28 years of your life may have been beyond your control, especially regarding your growth experiences.
However, you still have over 50 years ahead of you to make adjustments.
As long as you are willing, there is absolutely no problem.
Given that your personality has been formed over 28 years, you must understand that it is impossible to completely change it in just a few months or even a few years, as personality is built up gradually.
Therefore, any change in personality will also occur incrementally.
However, I want to emphasize that as long as you are willing, you can definitely achieve this.
If your personality is causing unhappiness, it is often due to an excess of negative thoughts.
Throughout your growth process, you may have developed the habit of self-denial, leading you to think negatively and allowing negative thoughts to run rampant while suppressing positive thinking.
Gradually, by increasing your positive thoughts and affirming yourself a little more over the years (definitely not just a few months), positive thoughts will naturally outnumber negative ones, leading to a change in personality.
If uncomfortable negative feelings are too prevalent and affecting your interpersonal relationships, career, and social functioning, you might consider consulting a psychiatrist.
A period of treatment with antidepressants combined with psychological counseling and therapy can indeed help increase your positive thinking.
During this treatment process, you can reflect on why negative thoughts reflexively arise when faced with challenges and why positive thinking increases during treatment.
This transformation can be savored and integrated into your heart, representing a change in personality.
Thank you for your letter!

Reply Date: 2008/06/29

More Info


Overcoming low self-esteem is a multifaceted journey that requires patience, self-reflection, and often, professional guidance. It appears that you have been grappling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt for quite some time, and while you've explored various self-help resources, the change you seek has not yet materialized. This is a common experience for many individuals facing similar challenges, and it’s important to recognize that change is a gradual process.

First, let’s address the concept of self-esteem itself. Self-esteem is essentially the perception we hold of ourselves, which can be influenced by our experiences, upbringing, and the messages we receive from others. In your case, it seems that your childhood experiences, particularly the way your parents reacted to your emotions and achievements, have significantly shaped your self-image. For instance, being reprimanded for expressing joy may have led you to internalize the belief that happiness is not acceptable, which can create a cycle of self-doubt and fear of rejection.

One effective strategy for overcoming low self-esteem is to challenge negative self-talk. This involves recognizing the critical inner voice that often undermines your confidence and replacing it with more constructive and compassionate thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly useful here. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, "I’m not good enough," try to counter that thought with evidence of your accomplishments or positive qualities. Keeping a journal where you document your achievements, no matter how small, can help reinforce a more positive self-view.

Additionally, it’s crucial to practice self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. When you experience feelings of inadequacy, instead of berating yourself, acknowledge that it’s okay to feel this way and that many people struggle with similar feelings. Self-compassion can help reduce the harshness of self-judgment and foster a more supportive inner dialogue.

Another important aspect of overcoming low self-esteem is to set realistic and achievable goals. Start with small, manageable objectives that can help build your confidence over time. For example, if social interactions are challenging, set a goal to engage in a brief conversation with someone you know, or even a stranger, once a week. Gradually increasing your exposure to social situations can help desensitize you to the fear of rejection and build your confidence.

Moreover, consider seeking professional help if you haven’t already. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and experiences in depth. They can also introduce you to therapeutic techniques tailored to your specific needs, such as mindfulness practices, which can help you stay present and reduce anxiety about social interactions.

Lastly, it’s essential to cultivate a supportive social network. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you, rather than those who contribute to your feelings of inadequacy. Engaging in group activities or support groups can also provide a sense of belonging and help you realize that you are not alone in your struggles.

In conclusion, overcoming low self-esteem is a journey that requires time, effort, and often, external support. By challenging negative thoughts, practicing self-compassion, setting achievable goals, and seeking professional help, you can gradually transform your self-perception and build a more positive and resilient sense of self. Remember, change is possible, and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

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