Struggling with Identity: Navigating Anxiety and Self-Perception

I fear that I will forever live in conflict with myself?

In elementary school, I was chubby and not exactly bullied, but I had a bit of a princess complex, feeling somewhat on the fringes.
During the summer before middle school, I dieted and tried to learn the behaviors of popular kids, which helped me make many friends; that was my first transformation.
I didn’t adapt well, and contradictions began to emerge.
Of course, the facade I put on was eventually seen through, and I couldn’t hide my true personality.
Later, we got a new homeroom teacher, and the class atmosphere became terrible.
Many people turned bad, and classmates started competing with each other.
The pressure from both online and real-life interactions was immense.
At that time, I began to distort my perception, automatically categorizing people into hierarchies—those who didn’t perform well were deemed useless.
With the added pressure of preparing for high school entrance exams, I became even more twisted.
When I entered high school, I wanted to change again and learned from the popular kids.
Initially, I did well in clubs and classes.
At that time, I used social media, particularly Instagram, and was constantly afraid of losing followers and not measuring up to others.
High school marked my second transformation, and I could no longer hide my true self.
Eventually, I deleted the app, but my personality became extremely polarized.
A part of me desperately wanted to be liked, enjoying presentations and chatting with others, always wanting to be the center of attention.
Yet, at the same time, whenever I was in the spotlight, I was terrified of failure.
I would constantly think about what would happen if I failed, and since my grades in high school weren’t as good as in middle school, I felt like I had nothing and considered myself worthless.
Every night, I was filled with fear and anxiety about every relationship, which led me to rely on anonymous chat apps.
I started going to bed late and felt exhausted every day, forcing myself to put on a façade at school, acting like someone I wasn’t.
When I looked in the mirror, I truly didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.
Many people came and went in my life, but I couldn’t hold onto any of them, and I knew I was being fake.
I tried countless times to not care, but it only made me more anxious, creating a continuous cycle.
I had seen a doctor before and was taking probiotics, which I felt helped somewhat, but recently, with class changes, that sense of fear has returned.
I really want to stop overthinking… Thank you for reading this long message.

Mianju Shang, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/07/25

Dr. Zhang Fangrong reply Psychiatry

Dear Sir/Madam,
From your description, I can sense your emotions and anxiety.
However, I also notice that you have a clear understanding of your thoughts and feelings, which is crucial for future changes.
The emotions you mentioned are likely concerns shared by many, such as the desire to be liked while fearing failure.
It seems that you can truly relax and be yourself in anonymous chat applications.
If you can interact well with friends in these platforms, you can certainly form genuine friendships at school or in your daily life.
Of course, real life has its ups and downs, unlike the online world where you can simply leave messages unread or deactivate your Facebook account.
Regarding your feelings, I would suggest trying to talk with your family or close friends.
You may find that their feelings are quite similar to yours.
Life is like riding a train; at each stop, some people will board while others will disembark.
Choosing to let the right people into our life's journey while allowing those who do not fit to leave at the right time is a common goal and reflection of life for everyone.
Wishing you good mental and physical health.
Sincerely,
Dr.
Fang-Rong Chang, Psychiatrist

Reply Date: 2017/07/25

More Info

Navigating the complexities of identity, anxiety, and self-perception can be incredibly challenging, especially during formative years like middle and high school. Your experiences reflect a common struggle among adolescents and young adults who grapple with societal expectations, peer pressure, and the desire for acceptance. It’s commendable that you are seeking to understand your feelings and behaviors better.

From what you've described, it seems that your journey has been marked by significant changes in self-image and social dynamics. The initial weight loss and subsequent attempts to fit in with popular peers may have provided a temporary boost in self-esteem, but it also appears to have led to a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt. This is not uncommon; many individuals feel the pressure to conform to certain ideals, which can lead to a distorted self-perception and an ongoing fear of failure.

The phenomenon of "imposter syndrome" may resonate with your experience. This occurs when individuals doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud." You mentioned feeling like you are not truly yourself, especially when you are in the spotlight or when you fear failing in front of others. This disconnect between your true self and the persona you feel compelled to present can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and lead to a sense of isolation, even when surrounded by peers.

Your reliance on social media and the anxiety surrounding follower counts is another layer of this struggle. Social media can create a distorted reality where self-worth is often measured by likes and followers, leading to increased anxiety about maintaining an image. The decision to delete your social media accounts was a positive step towards reclaiming your sense of self, but the fear of judgment and failure can still linger, especially in new social settings like a class change.

The feelings of being overwhelmed, the fear of relationships, and the cyclical nature of your anxiety suggest that you may benefit from further professional support. While you have previously seen a doctor and found some relief, it might be worth revisiting this support, especially as you navigate new challenges. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) could be particularly beneficial, as it focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors, helping you to develop healthier coping strategies.

Additionally, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion can be powerful tools in managing anxiety. Mindfulness encourages you to stay present and observe your thoughts without judgment, which can help reduce the intensity of anxious feelings. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during times of struggle, rather than being overly critical.

It's important to remember that you are not alone in this journey. Many individuals face similar challenges, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Building a support network of trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals can provide a safe space to express your feelings and experiences.

In conclusion, your desire to understand and improve your mental health is a crucial first step. Continue to seek support, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted individuals in your life. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and allow yourself the grace to grow and change without the pressure of perfection. Your feelings are valid, and with the right tools and support, you can navigate this challenging period and emerge with a stronger sense of self.

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