Struggling with Self-Doubt: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges

I might be sick?

Hello, Doctor! I am a very well-behaved child who has always done things well and rarely gets scolded; I am the kind of person who is loved by my elders.
However, even until now, I may still be a naive and easily bullied person.
My change in self-perception began about two or three years ago when I received harsh criticism for poor performance during a work shoot.
This led to a decline in my self-confidence and an increasingly pessimistic outlook, even to the point of having thoughts of wanting to die.
After work, I often felt like crying, but when I got home, I had to quickly rest to prepare for the next day’s work, leaving no time to adjust my emotions.
This period truly made me feel physically and mentally exhausted, and I was afraid my family would worry about me and urge me to give up my dreams, so I tried to act as if everything was fine.
I didn’t want to admit that I had a low tolerance for stress, feeling like a "strawberry" that couldn’t handle even a little bit of hardship or pressure.

I have also been maliciously hurt by related individuals, such as being deliberately embarrassed or not informed about what I needed to do, which made me feel looked down upon and treated like a fool, which was very uncomfortable.
Although I have made efforts to pick myself up and know that I shouldn’t have thoughts of ending my life—because I realized that if I did, it would deeply hurt those who truly love me—I still feel that the emotions from these experiences have not completely disappeared.
I cannot let go of them and am very reluctant to revisit those memories.
Even now, I find that I care a lot about not performing well, not looking good, or not being fit enough.
Perhaps I am too demanding of myself...
I know that no one can be perfect, yet I seem unable to accept my less-than-ideal self.
When I don’t do well, I feel like I am letting myself down.
Coupled with my naturally anxious personality, I tremble when speaking in front of an audience.
After those experiences, it seems that my inner demons have become more pronounced; I feel more fearful when facing cameras or crowds, worrying that I am not good enough, that I am hard to get along with, or that others might scheme to hurt me.
Sometimes, I overthink emotional matters, feeling insecure, and I even experience chest tightness, palpitations, and shortness of breath when I am in a bad mood.

When I am extremely sad, I feel a discomfort in my heart and a bit of difficulty breathing while crying, and I cannot quite describe that pain.
Currently, I feel very lost about the future and often worry about my capabilities in the workplace.
Sometimes I feel incompetent, as if my existence has little meaning.
I truly do not want to appear as if I am a patient.
Thank you, Doctor, for your hard work!

Haizi, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/07/03

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello, it seems that there are indeed some negative emotions in the text, and they have been troubling you for a while.
I hope you can seek information on stress management and emotional intelligence (EQ) to learn some self-adjustment methods for managing stress and emotions.
You can also call the local counselor, who can provide more professional counseling, guidance, and referral services to help you improve as soon as possible.

Reply Date: 2017/07/03

More Info

Hello! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to express these emotions. Your experiences reflect a common struggle many individuals face, particularly when dealing with self-doubt, anxiety, and the pressures of societal expectations.

From what you've described, it seems that your self-esteem has been significantly impacted by negative experiences, particularly in your work environment. Being criticized harshly can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which can spiral into more severe mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that you are not alone in experiencing them.

The pressure to perform well, especially in a competitive environment, can be overwhelming. You mentioned feeling like a "strawberry," someone who is perceived as fragile and unable to handle pressure. This metaphor is quite poignant, as it highlights the societal expectations that often dictate how we should respond to challenges. It's crucial to remember that everyone has their limits, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed at times. Acknowledging your feelings rather than suppressing them is a vital step toward healing.

You also mentioned having thoughts of self-harm and feeling as though your existence lacks meaning. These thoughts can be incredibly distressing, and it's essential to seek help when you find yourself in such a dark place. It’s commendable that you have considered the impact of your actions on those who care about you, which shows a deep sense of empathy and connection to others. However, it’s equally important to prioritize your well-being and seek support.

Engaging with a mental health professional can provide you with the tools to navigate these feelings. Therapy can help you explore the root causes of your self-doubt and develop coping strategies to manage anxiety and negative thoughts. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, is effective in addressing distorted thinking patterns and can help you reframe your self-perception.

Additionally, practicing self-compassion is vital. It’s easy to be critical of ourselves, especially when we feel we haven’t met our own or others' expectations. Try to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Recognize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and perfection is an unrealistic goal.

You mentioned feeling chest tightness and difficulty breathing during moments of extreme distress. These physical symptoms can be manifestations of anxiety. Learning relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, or meditation, can help alleviate some of these symptoms. Incorporating regular physical activity into your routine can also be beneficial, as exercise is known to improve mood and reduce anxiety.

Lastly, consider reaching out to supportive friends or family members. Sharing your experiences with someone you trust can help alleviate feelings of isolation and provide you with a sense of community. You don’t have to go through this alone.

In conclusion, your journey through self-doubt and mental health challenges is significant, and it’s important to take steps toward healing. Seeking professional help, practicing self-compassion, and building a support network can all contribute to your well-being. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and taking care of your mental health is a priority. You deserve to feel better and to find joy in your life again. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you all the best on your journey to healing.

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