the Struggle: Navigating Depression and Identity Crisis

Q: the Struggle: Navigating Depression and Identity Crisis

Dear Little Raindrop： Hello, thank you for your question. <br>The voices you mentioned, along with the thoughts from different aspects of yourself, may require further clarification regarding their origins. <br>Various situations can lead to the aforementioned experiences. <br>Fr

I don't know who I am?

Hello Doctor, I have been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder.
During my appointments, I often mention to my doctor that I feel like there are two versions of myself inside my body, but the doctor seems to dismiss it.
For example, when I am crying intensely, there is a voice that tells me words of reproach.
At first, I thought it was just what the doctor referred to as "voices," but later I realized it feels more like another person residing within me.
I have also mentioned in the consultation that I cannot feel joy and that I have lived my life wearing a mask, with different masks for different situations and roles, making it difficult for me to distinguish or know my true self.
However, the doctor's response was that "I am just searching for my identity during puberty." I find this explanation very irresponsible, as I am a 14-year-old girl and feel dismissed by this reasoning.
On Tuesday (April 16), I began locking myself in my room because I was caught in a spiral of depression.
In the past few days, I have taken a large amount of medication, but it has not alleviated my suffering.
I have also been experiencing frequent hyperventilation, binge eating, and crying.
I hope you can help me understand my questions and alleviate my pain.
Thank you.
P.S.: I am a self-taught student.

Xiao Yu Di, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2019/04/18

Dr. Huang Xiaoxian reply Psychiatry

Dear Little Raindrop: Hello, thank you for your question.
The voices you mentioned, along with the thoughts from different aspects of yourself, may require further clarification regarding their origins.
Various situations can lead to the aforementioned experiences.
From a psychological perspective, our psyche at least includes the self, the id, and the superego, which represent different facets of ourselves.
During the formation of our personality, there are many aspects, such as the cheerful self and the pessimistic self.
Throughout our growth, we often attempt to integrate these different selves, but it sounds like you are quite troubled by many aspects of yourself.
On the other hand, the meaning of the voices—whether they refer to internal thoughts or clearly audible human voices—can differ significantly.
I suggest discussing these details further with a physician, who can provide guidance and assistance.
Wishing you all the best!

Reply Date: 2019/04/18

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you are experiencing. Your feelings of having "two selves" and the struggle with identity are not uncommon among individuals dealing with depression and anxiety. It can feel as though there are conflicting parts of yourself that are at odds, especially when you are trying to navigate the complexities of your emotions and experiences.

Firstly, it's important to understand that depression and anxiety can significantly impact how you perceive yourself and your emotions. The feeling of being unable to experience joy or the sensation of wearing different masks in various situations can be a manifestation of these mental health conditions. This phenomenon is often referred to as "dissociation," where individuals may feel disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, or sense of identity. It can be a coping mechanism in response to overwhelming stress or trauma.

Your experience of hearing a voice that criticizes you during moments of distress is also something that many people with depression report. This internal dialogue can be harsh and unforgiving, contributing to feelings of worthlessness and despair. It’s crucial to recognize that this voice does not define who you are; it is a symptom of the mental health struggles you are facing.

Regarding your concerns about your doctor’s response, it’s understandable to feel frustrated if you believe your experiences are not being taken seriously. Adolescence is indeed a time of self-discovery, but it does not diminish the validity of your feelings or the seriousness of your situation. If you feel that your concerns are not being adequately addressed, it may be beneficial to seek a second opinion or to find a mental health professional who specializes in adolescent mental health. They may provide a more nuanced understanding of your experiences and offer tailored strategies to help you cope.

Your recent actions, such as isolating yourself and the incident of taking a large number of pills, are serious and indicate that you are in a crisis. It’s essential to seek immediate help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, please reach out to a trusted adult, a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline in your area. You do not have to go through this alone, and there are people who can help you navigate these feelings and find a way forward.

In terms of coping strategies, consider the following:
1. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process your emotions and may provide clarity about your identity and experiences.

2. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or grounding exercises can help you manage anxiety and bring you back to the present moment.

3. Creative Expression: Engaging in art, music, or other forms of creative expression can be a therapeutic outlet for your emotions.

4. Physical Activity: Regular exercise can improve mood and reduce anxiety. Even a short walk can make a difference.

5. Support Groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide a sense of community and understanding.

6. Professional Help: As mentioned, finding a therapist who understands your unique situation can be invaluable. They can work with you to develop coping strategies and help you explore your identity in a safe environment.

Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s important to prioritize your mental health. You are not alone in this struggle, and there are paths to healing and understanding your true self. Please take care of yourself and reach out for the support you deserve.

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