Learning to Love Yourself: Overcoming Anxiety and External Validation

Loving oneself?

I realize that my lack of self-love often leads me to overly focus on others' opinions and feelings, especially at work.
I find it easy to pay attention to others while neglecting my own need for rest.
I am aware of these issues but struggle to let them go.
Recently, I've been experiencing tension in my back, and the negative reactions of those around me make me anxious.
I feel trapped in this constant state of tension and find myself expending too much energy worrying about what others think of me, questioning my own effectiveness, usefulness, and abilities.
If I truly loved and liked myself, I should be strong enough to remind myself to love and appreciate who I am, and not be so affected by others to the point of feeling overwhelmed.

soul, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/02/25

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, in this situation, there are also opinions that are quite the opposite, suggesting that this is more about overprotecting oneself and fearing harm, rather than disliking oneself.
It is believed that having certain flaws may lead others to dislike us, which results in being overly concerned about others' reactions to us.
In our interpersonal relationships, we indeed encounter people who do not like us, and such setbacks can be even more discouraging and frightening.

First, we need to recognize that we do not need to gain the approval of everyone, or even the majority.
The result of societal diversification and information overload has led to increasing differences in perspectives among individuals.
Those who will like us will continue to do so regardless of what we say or do.
Conversely, those who do not agree with us will remain unconvinced no matter how we explain ourselves.

So, relax a bit; it is not that we have done something wrong! Furthermore, we often have a biased view of our own strengths and weaknesses.
For instance, individuals with depression or low self-esteem tend to overlook their strengths while emphasizing relatively minor flaws.
Therefore, to like ourselves, we should remind ourselves to focus more on our strengths, especially those positive traits that others appreciate, as this will boost our confidence in interpersonal relationships.

Caring for and helping others can also bring us joy and reduce our concern about others' opinions.
We can start by being kinder to ourselves and sincerely caring for those around us, even offering a helping hand to those in need.
If we truly cannot assist, sincerely wishing others well can also alleviate the tension of being overly concerned about others.

At 34 years old, changing your personality or values will require time and perseverance, and it is essential to make a strong commitment at the outset.
I hope you find the above suggestions helpful.

Best wishes,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2016/02/25

More Info

Learning to love oneself is a profound journey that many individuals struggle with, particularly in a society that often prioritizes external validation over internal acceptance. Your concerns about being overly concerned with others' opinions and the resulting anxiety are common and can significantly impact your mental health and overall well-being.

Firstly, it's essential to recognize that self-love is not merely a feel-good concept; it is a fundamental aspect of mental health. When you love and accept yourself, you create a solid foundation for your emotional resilience. This self-acceptance allows you to navigate life's challenges without being overly affected by external judgments or the need for validation from others.
One of the primary reasons people struggle with self-love is the fear of judgment and rejection. You mentioned feeling tense and anxious about how others perceive you, which can lead to a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt. This is often exacerbated by societal pressures and the constant comparison to others, which can make you feel inadequate. It’s crucial to understand that everyone has their insecurities, and the perception of others is often more about them than it is about you.

To begin the journey of self-love, consider implementing some practical strategies:
1. Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Engage in mindfulness practices that encourage you to focus on the present moment. This can help reduce anxiety and allow you to observe your thoughts without judgment. Journaling can also be a powerful tool for self-reflection, helping you to articulate your feelings and recognize patterns in your thoughts.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you catch yourself worrying about what others think, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if there is concrete evidence to support these worries or if they are simply assumptions. Often, you will find that your fears are unfounded.

3. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish boundaries with others to protect your mental space. This might mean limiting time spent with people who drain your energy or learning to say no when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.

4. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. Self-compassion can significantly reduce anxiety and improve your overall emotional health.

5. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Make time for hobbies and activities that bring you joy. Engaging in what you love can help shift your focus away from others and back to yourself, reinforcing the idea that your happiness is valid and important.

6. Seek Professional Help: If your anxiety and feelings of inadequacy persist, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety and help you explore the underlying issues contributing to your self-doubt.

7. Practice Gratitude: Regularly take time to reflect on what you appreciate about yourself and your life. This practice can help shift your focus from what you lack to what you have, fostering a more positive self-image.

8. Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and comparison. Consider taking breaks from social media or curating your feed to include positive and uplifting content.

In conclusion, learning to love yourself is a gradual process that requires patience and practice. By focusing on self-acceptance and implementing strategies to manage anxiety and external validation, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect, both from yourself and others. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and allow yourself the grace to grow and evolve.

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