How to Support a Spouse with Depression: Seeking Help and Understanding

Q: How to Support a Spouse with Depression: Seeking Help and Understanding

Hello： Based on your description, it is likely that your wife is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms related to depression. <br>If she is open to medication, these symptoms typically improve within one to two weeks after starting antidepressants. <br>If she is not willing to take

Methods for Seeking Help for Family Members with Depressive Tendencies

After being married for 11 years, my wife and I may not have truly considered whether we were suitable for each other from the beginning.
After having children, my wife quit her job to take care of them.
Over the years, her emotional state has changed, primarily due to my neglect towards her.
She often cried at night in secret.
Additionally, she feels hurt and unable to accept certain situations, particularly regarding how she perceives my father's handling of various matters as unfair.
This has led to emotional outbursts every 1 to 2 months, where she becomes hysterical, disregarding her surroundings, and our children often suffer as collateral damage.
I have made changes and have tried to mediate within the family.
My wife acknowledges my efforts but says I changed too late for her to accept.
In recent months, she has repeatedly brought up grievances from the past 10 years every night before bed, complaining and shouting.
I have continuously apologized for my past mistakes and expressed that I have changed, acknowledging that I was previously too careless.
This back-and-forth often keeps us awake until around 1:00 to 3:00 AM.
Her mother has advised her to let go of these feelings, stating that I need to be able to work without being exhausted.
My wife has told me that she cannot control her emotions; seeing me causes her heart and stomach pain.
Therefore, we have temporarily separated.
She is aware that she may have issues like depression but does not want to see a doctor, claiming she can handle it herself.
She fears becoming like her sister-in-law, who has been on long-term medication and feels stuck.
I am unable to suggest anything to her as she is not receptive and does not want to engage in conversation about it.
I would like to seek advice on how to handle this situation better.
Thank you.

JJ, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/08/12

Dr. Huang Weiqin reply Psychiatry

Hello: Based on your description, it is likely that your wife is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms related to depression.
If she is open to medication, these symptoms typically improve within one to two weeks after starting antidepressants.
If she is not willing to take medication, I recommend considering psychotherapy.
Additionally, incorporating regular moderate exercise and leisure activities may help restore her mental and physical balance and health.
It is advisable for her family members to encourage her to visit a psychiatrist for an evaluation and potential treatment referral.
I hope this information is helpful.
Thank you for your inquiry.

Reply Date: 2015/08/12

More Info

Supporting a spouse with depression can be a challenging and emotionally taxing journey, especially when the relationship has its complexities. It’s clear from your description that your wife is experiencing significant emotional distress, which may be rooted in both her personal feelings and the dynamics of your relationship. Here are some strategies and insights that may help you navigate this difficult situation.

Understanding the Situation
1. Recognize the Signs of Depression: Your wife’s emotional fluctuations, feelings of hurt, and inability to let go of past grievances may indicate underlying depression. Depression can manifest in various ways, including irritability, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. It’s important to approach her feelings with empathy and understanding.

2. Acknowledge the Impact of Past Events: It seems that unresolved issues from your past are resurfacing, causing her distress. This is not uncommon in relationships where one partner feels neglected or hurt. Acknowledging these feelings without becoming defensive is crucial.

3. Avoid Minimizing Her Feelings: Statements like “you should just get over it” or “it’s not that big of a deal” can be harmful. Instead, validate her feelings by saying things like, “I understand that you feel hurt by what happened, and I’m sorry for the pain it caused you.”

Encouraging Professional Help
1. Suggest Therapy: While your wife may be resistant to the idea of seeing a doctor or therapist, it’s essential to gently encourage her to seek professional help. You might say, “I care about you and want to support you in any way I can. Talking to someone who understands these feelings might help.”
2. Normalize Therapy: Many people have misconceptions about therapy, often viewing it as a sign of weakness. Share stories of people who have benefited from therapy, emphasizing that it can be a valuable tool for anyone, regardless of their situation.

3. Offer to Accompany Her: If she is open to the idea, offer to accompany her to her first appointment. This can help alleviate some of her anxiety about seeking help.

Improving Communication
1. Practice Active Listening: When she expresses her feelings, listen without interrupting or trying to fix the problem immediately. Sometimes, just being heard can be incredibly healing.

2. Set Aside Time for Conversations: Given that discussions often extend late into the night, try to set aside specific times for these conversations when both of you are calm and can focus on each other without distractions.

3. Use “I” Statements: When discussing your feelings or concerns, use “I” statements to express how her actions affect you without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel worried when you seem upset, and I want to help.”

Taking Care of Yourself
1. Seek Support for Yourself: Supporting someone with depression can take a toll on your mental health. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist for yourself. This will help you maintain your emotional well-being.

2. Establish Boundaries: While it’s important to support your wife, it’s equally important to set boundaries to protect your mental health. If her behavior becomes too overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and recharge.

3. Encourage Healthy Routines: Encourage activities that promote mental well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep. You might suggest doing these activities together, which can strengthen your bond.

Conclusion
Navigating a relationship where one partner is struggling with depression requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to seek help. While you can provide support, it’s essential to recognize that professional intervention may be necessary for your wife to heal. Encourage her gently, communicate openly, and take care of your own mental health as well. Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to seek help along the way.

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