Supporting a Depressed Husband: Navigating Mental Health Challenges

Husband with depression

Hello Dr.
Yeh, although my husband is engaged in a very professional and important role in the Middle East, I know he suffers from depression.
Our relationship is very good, and I thought my care and love had healed him, as he spends at least two hours every day happily telling me about his work and life through Skype.
We are not only spouses but also good friends who share everything.
Encouraged by me, he has also made a close friend (Mark) at his workplace.
However, I have not told Mark about his condition, only asking him to take care of his emotions.
Recently, he has been unhappy and expressed how much he dislikes his new Team Leader.
I tried to "train his rationality," but it only made things worse.
He cried and said he couldn't make me happy, that the money he earns and the things he does have become meaningless.
He even told me not to file taxes (as it is currently tax season in the U.S.).
Moreover, for the first time, he told me he believes he won't live past 65, as his father committed suicide at that age, and he thinks he will follow the same path.
This is his fate.
He said, "My mother was happier after my father died; I think you will be happier without me, too." My questions are: 1.
How can I persuade him to seek medical treatment at a hospital? 2.
Can you assist him in English? He does not speak Chinese.
I sincerely hope for your help!

Ning, 50~59 year old female. Ask Date: 2006/03/24

Dr. Ye Yuki reply Psychiatry

When a loved one exhibits mental health symptoms, it can be challenging to know how to encourage them to seek medical help.
This is a common question we receive.
I usually suggest that family members try to persuade the individual to seek treatment using reasons that they can accept.
For instance, if the person is experiencing symptoms of depression, such as loss of appetite or insomnia, but refuses to acknowledge that they are depressed, they may still be willing to accept that they have a sleep problem and seek help for that.

Additionally, you can use communication issues arising from their problems as a reason for seeking treatment.
For example, if their depression has led to communication difficulties between you two, you might say that these issues need to be resolved together and ask them to assist you in "going to seek help together," in an attempt to engage them in the treatment process.
Having read your letter, I understand that you are very concerned about your husband who is far away.
However, with limited information, I cannot directly determine whether he is suffering from depression or if he is experiencing depressive symptoms related to life events.
If your husband’s native language is English and he is currently in the Middle East, I would recommend that he seek treatment from a provider who is a native English speaker to ensure a better understanding of his cultural background.

If he can return to Taiwan, he might consider visiting a hospital.
If he requires psychiatric services while in the Middle East, he will need to find local resources or seek help online.
Online consultation services in Taiwan are still in their early stages, but Kaohsiung Medical University has a program that may be worth considering: http://mentalhealth.kmu.edu.tw/ (this service requires payment, and he must first register as a member and download the synchronous counseling tool to make an appointment for psychological counseling; please refer to the website for details).
Additionally, there are services available abroad; he might try some university programs, such as: http://school.ncue.edu.tw/usa.shtml.

The above information is for reference only, and I hope it is helpful.

Reply Date: 2006/03/24

More Info

Supporting a loved one who is struggling with depression can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience. It’s commendable that you are seeking ways to help your husband during this difficult time. Here are some strategies and insights that may assist you in navigating this situation effectively.

Understanding Depression
First, it's important to recognize that depression is a complex mental health condition that can manifest in various ways, including feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and a lack of interest in activities that once brought joy. Your husband’s comments about feeling like a burden and his reference to his father’s suicide are particularly concerning and indicate that he may be experiencing severe depressive symptoms. It’s crucial to take these statements seriously, as they can be indicative of suicidal ideation.

Encouraging Professional Help
1. Open the Conversation: Approach the topic of seeking professional help gently. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling down lately, and I want to support you in any way I can. Have you thought about talking to someone who can help?” Emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

2. Normalize Therapy: Share positive stories about therapy, whether from your own experiences or from others you know. You could mention that many people find therapy beneficial, especially when dealing with feelings of sadness or hopelessness.

3. Offer to Help: Sometimes, the logistics of getting help can be overwhelming. Offer to assist him in finding a therapist or psychiatrist, making an appointment, or even accompanying him to the first visit if he feels comfortable with that.

4. Address His Concerns: If he expresses fears about therapy or medication, listen to his concerns without judgment. Reassure him that it’s okay to feel apprehensive and that many people share similar feelings before starting treatment.

Communication Strategies
- Avoid “Fixing”: While it’s natural to want to help him see the positives or rationalize his feelings, this approach can sometimes invalidate his emotions. Instead of trying to “train his rationality,” acknowledge his feelings. You might say, “I can see that you’re really struggling, and it’s okay to feel that way.”
- Use “I” Statements: When discussing his feelings, use “I” statements to express your concern. For example, “I feel worried when you talk about not wanting to live past 65. I care about you and want to help.”
- Encourage Expression: Create a safe space for him to express his feelings without fear of judgment. Let him know that it’s okay to talk about his sadness and fears.

Supporting Him Emotionally
- Stay Connected: Continue to engage with him through regular communication. Even if he seems distant, your consistent presence can be a source of comfort.
- Encourage Healthy Habits: Gently encourage activities that promote mental well-being, such as exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep. You might suggest doing these activities together, which can also strengthen your bond.

- Be Patient: Recovery from depression can be a slow process. Celebrate small victories and be patient with setbacks. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference.

Resources
- Find a Therapist: If you’re looking for English-speaking therapists, consider using online platforms that connect individuals with mental health professionals. Websites like Psychology Today allow you to filter therapists by language and specialty.

- Emergency Help: If your husband expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions, it’s crucial to seek immediate help. Contact a mental health crisis line or take him to the nearest emergency room.

Conclusion
Supporting a partner with depression requires compassion, patience, and understanding. By encouraging professional help, fostering open communication, and being a consistent source of support, you can help your husband navigate this challenging time. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and seeking support for yourself as a caregiver is equally important. Consider reaching out to support groups or counseling for partners of individuals with depression to help you cope with the emotional toll this situation may take on you.

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