Depression
The situation began when I became a mother of two children.
My husband and I are both working parents, living with his extended family.
What troubles me is that my husband occasionally plays mahjong.
As a truck driver, he only has free time when there are no deliveries, but I wonder why he doesn't spend more time with me and the kids.
Our eldest is in kindergarten, and our youngest is only one year old, so our parent-child relationship is not as ideal as I would like.
The youngest is taken care of by my family, and now when I return to my husband's family, the children often cry when they see him, which creates an uncomfortable situation for everyone.
Moreover, I feel sad and often cry because my husband is no longer as sweet or attentive as he was before we got married.
Most of the time, it’s just me and the kids managing our daily lives and entertainment, while he rarely joins us.
He is always available for his female friends in the mahjong group, which makes me upset and angry.
Even though my husband knows that I feel hurt and angry, he still chooses to spend time playing mahjong.
I have even gone to the location where he plays to wait for him to come home, but he insists on finishing the game before leaving.
I feel that he no longer loves me, and I am experiencing feelings of depression.
He is 36 years old, and I am 28.
Is this age difference too great?
Xiao Mei, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2009/07/28
Dr. Chen Jiongxu reply Psychiatry
Hello Xiaomei: It seems that you are not very happy! Have you ever tried talking to the people around you? You can discuss your feelings with your sisters or friends to find an outlet for your emotions.
If you still feel down, you might consider visiting a nearby psychiatric hospital or the mental health department of a hospital for an evaluation and appropriate treatment based on your condition.
If you are hesitant to go to the hospital right away, you could also consider using some screening scales first.
The Mental Health Foundation's Mental Health Weather Ball (http://www.mhf.org.tw/mhball/) has several online screening tools that can help you determine if you need to seek medical attention.
The Dong's Foundation Mental Health Zone also offers online screenings, including the "Taiwanese Depression Scale," which can help you assess whether you need to see a doctor.
(http://www.jtf.org.tw/psyche/melancholia/overblue.asp)
Reply Date: 2009/07/28
More Info
Navigating the complexities of family dynamics, especially when it comes to mental health and emotional well-being, can be incredibly challenging. Your situation reflects a common struggle many face in balancing personal needs with family responsibilities. It’s important to recognize that feelings of sadness, frustration, and even depression can arise from unmet emotional needs and the pressures of parenting, particularly in a dual-income household.
From your description, it seems that you are experiencing a significant emotional burden due to your husband's behavior and the dynamics within your family. The fact that you feel neglected and unappreciated can lead to feelings of isolation and sadness. It’s understandable that you would feel overwhelmed, especially with two young children and the added stress of living with extended family. The emotional distance you perceive in your relationship with your husband, coupled with his choices to spend time away from home, can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.
It’s crucial to address these feelings constructively. Here are some steps you might consider taking:
1. Open Communication: It’s essential to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express how his actions affect you and the family. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without sounding accusatory, such as "I feel lonely when you spend so much time away from home."
2. Seek Support: Consider reaching out to friends, family, or a support group for mothers. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide emotional relief and practical advice. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly comforting.
3. Professional Help: If feelings of sadness persist or worsen, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. A therapist can also help you navigate the complexities of your relationship and family dynamics.
4. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care, even if it feels challenging. Taking time for yourself, whether through hobbies, exercise, or simply relaxing, can help improve your mood and overall well-being. It’s important to recharge so you can be present for your children and your husband.
5. Family Time: Try to create opportunities for quality family time. Engaging in activities together can strengthen your bond and improve your relationship. This could be as simple as family dinners, game nights, or outings that everyone can enjoy.
6. Set Boundaries: If your husband’s behavior is impacting your mental health, it’s important to set boundaries. Discuss what is acceptable and what is not in terms of his time spent away from home. Establishing clear expectations can help both of you understand each other’s needs better.
7. Parenting Support: Since you have young children, consider parenting classes or workshops. These can provide valuable tools for managing parenting stress and improving your relationship with your children.
8. Reflect on Your Relationship: Take some time to reflect on your relationship and what you want moving forward. Consider what changes you would like to see and how you can work together to achieve them.
In conclusion, navigating depression and family dynamics requires a multifaceted approach. It’s important to communicate openly, seek support, and prioritize your mental health. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and taking steps to address your feelings is a sign of strength, not weakness. By fostering a supportive environment for yourself and your family, you can work towards a healthier, more fulfilling family life.
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