Managing Emotional Issues in Children: A Family Dynamics Challenge

Children's Emotional Issues

My family consists of three generations living together.
I have two daughters who are twins (the older one looks like me, while the younger one resembles their father).
Due to financial considerations, I take care of the children myself.
The younger daughter is very spoiled by her grandparents, to the point of excess.
As a result, her habits are quite poor.
Whenever I try to teach her, my mother-in-law advises me to leave her alone.
The older daughter experienced some developmental delays during her early childhood, which led us to take her for evaluations at the hospital.
At 2 to 3 years old, we noticed she often cried and fussed.
The younger daughter frequently bullies her.
Now that the older one is in third grade, the issues have become increasingly severe.
The younger daughter throws her things around after school, and the adults always scold the older daughter or tell her to clean up.
Over time, the accumulated problems have not improved with age; her bad habits are worsening, and she is even more aggressive than I am.
This is because her grandmother always cleans up after her.
However, my mother-in-law gets tired after work, and when she comes home to a mess, she ends up scolding the children, including the older daughter.
I really don’t know what to do, especially seeing how young my older daughter still is.
I can't find the right words to explain the situation and feel powerless to change the behavior of the elders, which only leads to confusion about right and wrong for the children.
How should I handle this? I have tried to communicate the issues with the elders, but it has been ineffective.

Shuangbaotai Mama, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/11/18

Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry

Dear Twin Mother,
Thank you for your hard work.
The differing parenting styles between generations in your household often lead to behavioral issues in children, which can create a tense atmosphere at home.
Over time, these problems, as you have observed, tend to worsen.
I recommend that you seek assistance from a child psychiatrist or a psychological clinic that specializes in parenting and family therapy.
A therapist can help mediate the differences in parenting approaches between you and your elders and identify common goals.
Additionally, with the increasing behavioral issues of your younger daughter, it would be wise to consider a comprehensive evaluation and intervention for her as well.
Sincerely,
Dr.
Song

Reply Date: 2015/11/18

More Info

Managing emotional issues in children, especially within a multi-generational household, can be quite challenging. Your situation, where you have twin daughters and are navigating the complexities of family dynamics, is not uncommon. The interplay between different generations can create a unique environment that influences children's behavior and emotional development.

Firstly, it’s important to recognize that children are highly sensitive to their surroundings. The way adults interact with each other and with the children can significantly impact the children’s emotional well-being. In your case, it seems that your younger daughter is receiving a lot of attention and leniency from her grandparents, which may be contributing to her poor habits and behavior. On the other hand, your older daughter, who has faced developmental delays and bullying, may feel neglected or unfairly treated, leading to emotional distress.

Here are some strategies to address these issues:
1. Open Communication: Establishing open lines of communication with your parents is crucial. While it may feel challenging, expressing your concerns about the favoritism shown to your younger daughter and the impact it has on your older daughter is important. Try to approach the conversation from a place of concern for both children rather than as a confrontation. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel worried when I see [older daughter] being treated this way,” to express your feelings without placing blame.

2. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to set clear boundaries regarding parenting styles. If your parents are undermining your authority by spoiling your younger daughter, it may be necessary to establish rules that everyone agrees to follow. This could include consistent discipline strategies and expectations for behavior that all caregivers adhere to.

3. Individual Attention: Each child needs individual attention and support. Spend quality time with each daughter separately to address their unique needs. For your older daughter, consider engaging in activities that build her confidence and self-esteem, such as art, sports, or reading together. For your younger daughter, while it’s important to maintain her sense of security, you can also introduce structured routines that encourage responsibility and accountability.

4. Modeling Behavior: Children learn by observing the adults around them. Demonstrating healthy emotional regulation and conflict resolution can provide your daughters with the tools they need to manage their own emotions. Show them how to express feelings constructively and handle disagreements respectfully.

5. Seek Professional Guidance: If the situation continues to escalate, consider seeking help from a child psychologist or family therapist. A professional can provide insights into the family dynamics at play and offer strategies tailored to your specific situation. They can also facilitate discussions between family members to improve understanding and cooperation.

6. Encourage Empathy: Teach your children about empathy and the importance of understanding each other’s feelings. Activities that promote teamwork and collaboration can help foster a sense of unity among siblings and reduce rivalry.

7. Create a Supportive Environment: Ensure that your home is a safe space for both daughters to express their feelings. Encourage them to talk about their emotions and validate their experiences. This can help them feel heard and understood, which is crucial for emotional development.

8. Monitor Progress: Keep track of any changes in behavior or emotional responses as you implement these strategies. Celebrate small victories and be patient with the process, as change takes time.

In conclusion, managing emotional issues in children within a multi-generational household requires patience, communication, and a willingness to adapt. By fostering a supportive environment, setting clear boundaries, and seeking professional help when needed, you can help your daughters navigate their emotional challenges and develop healthier relationships with each other and the adults in their lives.

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