Overcoming Sleep Disorders and Emotional Struggles: A Path to Healing

Sleep and cognitive issues?

Hello, Dr.
Zhang.
I have been struggling with sleep disorders for a long time, starting from my university days.
Perhaps I have gotten used to it over time, as I have been unable to fall asleep at a normal hour for nearly five years.
I have tried many methods, such as meditation, mindfulness, and aromatherapy, but nothing seems to help me relax enough to sleep.
I also have a habit of overthinking before bed.
Many people say not to think about anything, but I truly don't know how to stop thinking.
Isn't thinking something that naturally occurs when we are awake?
Yesterday, I tried herbal medicine, and after taking the medication, I felt sleepy by 11 PM.
However, I woke up before 3 AM and found that I was also a light sleeper.
For instance, I woke up at 2 AM and couldn't fall back asleep.
I believe my issues stem from stress, but I can't seem to change my mindset.
Since I became aware of my surroundings, I have always followed my parents' wishes, studying a major I don't like and doing things I don't enjoy.
Every time I want to express my own opinions, I find myself thinking from others' perspectives.
I feel indebted to my parents for raising me, and my interests seem insignificant in comparison, which leads me to suppress my own thoughts.
Additionally, I am a homosexual, and my family is very conservative.
I can never share my romantic relationships with my parents, which makes it even harder for me to go against their wishes.
Deep down, I feel like I owe them something.
I try hard to find my own interests, but it’s really difficult.
When I see the disappointment in my parents' eyes, I feel even more useless.
I know what I want, and I want to live for myself and be a bit selfish, but I constantly tell myself that I dislike selfish people, so I can't allow myself to be selfish.
I have set many principles for myself.
For example, I believe it's normal to give gifts for friends' birthdays, so I always remember the birthdays of those I care about and make sure to give gifts.
I hope they do the same for me, but I know I can't impose my views on others.
So when my birthday is forgotten, I feel disappointed, but I could choose not to give a gift because they forgot mine.
However, I feel uneasy if I don't give a gift.
I can choose not to give, but only after I give do I feel like I have fulfilled my duty as a friend.
It feels like I have some sort of obsessive-compulsive behavior, and I am exhausted by the principles I have set for myself.
When I mention this to friends, they think I am overly nice, but I worry that being this way puts pressure on them.
I fear that if I don't adhere to my principles regarding friendship, those friends will disappear, even though they have never indicated that.
I treat them without reservation, and I truly don't understand myself.
I see things clearly, yet I can't let go.
I really don't want to be this way, and I don't know why I am like this.
I only know that I have too many preconceived notions, and when the outcome isn't what I expected, I feel sad.
I have always played the role of the one who comforts my friends.
They believe I always understand what they want and need because I care and remember their feelings.
However, many times I can't express my own feelings to them.
I feel that sharing personal matters relies on a certain vibe, and if I can't find that vibe with them, I choose not to speak.
Many friends I have known for years I only see as playmates.
Perhaps because of this, when I have my own issues, my friends think I can handle it myself, so they don't ask.
Yet, I secretly wish they would care, but I don't want to tell them what's wrong.
I feel so contradictory; I can share my feelings with someone I've just met for a day, but not with old friends.
I really dislike this part of myself.
I never show pessimism in front of my friends because I know that constantly being negative is unappealing.
I try to be as cheerful as possible, but when I'm sad, it feels even worse.
I believe everyone feels this way.
I have always felt suppressed.
Everyone has different emotional triggers, but I rarely express anger, even when I am stood up or someone is hours late.
These situations should make me furious, yet I never directly express my feelings to my friends.
I just privately clench my fists and tell myself it doesn't matter.
I could be angry about these things, but I swallow my feelings and try to adjust on my own.
I really don't understand why I always prioritize others' emotional changes and considerations while putting myself last.
This way of living is exhausting and suffocating.
I care too much about many things and am overly sensitive to emotions.
Is this good or bad?
I'm sorry for writing so much at once, doctor.
I really want to change myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy message, and I appreciate your response.

Yu, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/03/22

Dr. Zhang Fangrong reply Psychiatry

Dear Sir/Madam,
Thank you for your inquiry.
Based on the process you described, it is evident that you are experiencing significant distress both in your daily life and mentally.
I understand that you are making considerable efforts to initiate change.

Firstly, I believe your sleep issues may be related to the various matters you mentioned in your message.
However, I also notice that you have a high level of self-awareness regarding your thoughts and emotions.
You are quite attuned to your own feelings, but it seems you are also very concerned about the reactions of others.
As Master Sheng Yen once said, "Making others happy is compassion; making oneself happy is wisdom." I think this is a journey that everyone must go through in life.
I would suggest that you try to self-regulate and consider discussing your feelings with those around you.
Maintaining a regular lifestyle and engaging in moderate exercise can also be beneficial for your mood and sleep.
Wishing you mental and physical well-being.
Sincerely,
Dr.
Fang-Rong Chang, Psychiatry

Reply Date: 2016/03/22

More Info

Overcoming sleep disorders and emotional struggles can be a challenging journey, especially when these issues have persisted for years. Your situation reflects a complex interplay of sleep disturbances, emotional stress, and the pressure of societal expectations, particularly regarding family dynamics and personal identity.
Firstly, it’s essential to recognize that sleep disorders, such as insomnia, can often be symptomatic of underlying emotional or psychological issues. Your experience of having difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up feeling unrested is common among individuals dealing with anxiety or stress. The fact that you have been experiencing these symptoms for nearly five years suggests that it may be time to seek professional help, particularly from a mental health specialist who can provide a comprehensive evaluation and tailored treatment plan.

You mentioned trying various relaxation techniques, such as meditation and aromatherapy, which can be beneficial for some individuals. However, if these methods have not yielded the desired results, it may be necessary to explore other therapeutic options. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) is a highly effective treatment that focuses on changing the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to sleep problems. This therapy can help you develop healthier sleep habits and address the anxiety that may be keeping you awake at night.

Your emotional struggles, particularly regarding familial expectations and your identity, are significant factors that can exacerbate sleep issues. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed when you perceive a conflict between your desires and your family's expectations. This internal conflict can lead to heightened anxiety, which in turn disrupts your sleep. It’s crucial to find a safe space to express these feelings, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can provide relief and help you feel less isolated.

You also mentioned feeling like you have a set of rigid principles that dictate your behavior, which can be exhausting. It’s important to recognize that while having values and principles can guide your actions, they should not become a source of stress. Learning to be more flexible with your expectations of yourself and others can lead to a more balanced emotional state. This might involve practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself to prioritize your needs without feeling guilty.

In terms of your sleep hygiene, consider establishing a consistent bedtime routine that promotes relaxation. This could include activities such as reading, gentle stretching, or listening to calming music before bed. Avoiding screens and stimulating activities in the hour leading up to sleep can also help signal to your body that it’s time to wind down. Additionally, creating a comfortable sleep environment—dark, quiet, and cool—can significantly improve your sleep quality.

If you find that your emotional struggles and sleep issues persist despite these efforts, it may be beneficial to consult with a psychiatrist. They can assess whether medication might be appropriate to help manage your anxiety or sleep disturbances. While you expressed reluctance to rely on medication, it’s important to remember that it can be a useful tool in conjunction with therapy and lifestyle changes.

Lastly, it’s vital to acknowledge that you are not alone in this struggle. Many individuals face similar challenges, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. By addressing both your sleep issues and emotional health, you can work towards a more fulfilling and restful life. Remember, change takes time, and it’s okay to seek support along the way.

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