Mental Health Struggles: Finding Hope Amidst Despair

I don't know what's wrong with me?

Hello Doctor: I have been undergoing treatment for a brain condition for six months, but my doctor told me that it might relapse and cannot be cured.
When I heard this, my mood plummeted, and I didn't speak for several days, feeling like everything was in vain.
I had thoughts of wanting to die and kept thinking about ways to end my life.
Later, my family noticed that I was acting differently, and I couldn't take it anymore; I cried and said I couldn't go on and wanted to die.
My family tried to dissuade me.
A few days later, I realized that my words hurt my family, and I stopped thinking about my illness as something that couldn't be cured, deciding to let it be.
After that, my mood improved for several days, but then it started to fluctuate again.
Recently, from last week until this week, I haven't been feeling well emotionally; I feel uncomfortable inside, don't want to talk, and even lost interest in watching videos on my phone.
I feel inexplicably irritable and sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.
When the irritability becomes unbearable, I resort to self-harm or inflicting pain on myself to alleviate the discomfort.
I keep thinking that I need to hurt myself to feel a little better inside.
In the past, when I felt down and caused myself pain, I would feel better the next day, but this time I don't know what's wrong with me; I keep going through this cycle.
I think about many things, want to cry but can't, and keep blaming myself for causing my family to suffer and feel exhausted.
I feel very sorry for them and think I'm useless, only dragging others down and causing them worry and trouble.
My life feels completely dark, and I feel like I've ruined it myself; I shouldn't even exist.
I think there's no meaning in living, and if I died, I wouldn't burden others anymore, and I wouldn't be in so much pain.
In front of my family, I don't want them to see me in a bad mood; I don't want to worry them.
My family treats me very well, but sometimes when I'm irritable and in a bad mood, I can't control myself and end up speaking harshly to them or losing my temper.
However, recently, when I act like that, I think I shouldn't have done that, and then I start feeling irritable again and want to hurt myself.
Afterward, I keep feeling sorry for them.
When my family shows concern for me, I think about how useless I am for making them worry, and I feel very sorry.
I didn't have these thoughts before, but recently, even for small mistakes, like dropping something, I get very angry or hit the wall.
I don't know why I have these thoughts; I feel like no one truly cares about me, and then I feel guilty towards the people around me, including my friends.
For the past month, I haven't been sleeping well at night; I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, sleep intermittently, or wake up very early and can't fall back asleep.
It's frustrating that I can't even sleep well.
I've thought about seeing a doctor, but for various reasons, I find it very difficult to do so.
I feel so much pain in this situation.

Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/03/31

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, complete normal health, whether mental or physical, is an ideal state that no one can truly achieve, and no one will go through life without ever being sick.
Therefore, we must first accept that we will all get sick.
Some illnesses resolve quickly, like the common cold.
Others take longer to improve, such as anxiety and depression.
Some conditions may only be manageable and not curable, such as hypertension, diabetes, and certain mental disorders.
As we age, we tend to accumulate more health issues, so we should strive to adopt a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness.
However, when we do get sick, we should actively seek medical attention and cooperate with treatment, but we shouldn't have overly perfectionistic expectations regarding the outcomes.
Regarding your concerns, my perspective and advice are similar.
You may be quite young, emotionally rich, and still learning stress relief techniques.
Self-harming behaviors only provide a temporary outlet for stress.
If seeing a doctor is not feasible, you can start by visiting your school's counseling office or seeking help from external resources like counselors or helplines.
If your financial situation allows, there are private practice psychologists who can talk with you, which should be helpful.
Wishing you all the best.
Sincerely, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2017/03/31

More Info

Dear [Name],
I want to start by acknowledging the immense pain and struggle you are experiencing. It’s clear that you are going through a very challenging time, and it’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid. The emotional turmoil you describe, including thoughts of self-harm and feelings of worthlessness, can be incredibly overwhelming. It’s crucial to understand that you are not alone in this, and there is help available.

From what you’ve shared, it seems you are dealing with a combination of mental health issues that may include depression and anxiety, particularly in the context of your ongoing health concerns. The feelings of despair and hopelessness you mentioned, especially after receiving news about your brain condition, are common reactions to chronic illness. It’s understandable to feel as though everything is futile when faced with such daunting challenges.

The thoughts of self-harm that you’ve expressed are particularly concerning. While it may seem like a way to cope with emotional pain, it’s important to recognize that this is not a healthy or sustainable solution. Self-harm often leads to a cycle of guilt and shame, which can exacerbate your feelings of worthlessness and despair. Instead of providing relief, it can deepen your emotional wounds.

You mentioned that you have considered seeking help from a doctor but feel that it may be difficult. I want to encourage you to prioritize your mental health and seek professional support. Mental health professionals, such as psychologists or psychiatrists, can provide you with the tools and strategies to cope with your feelings. They can also help you explore the underlying issues contributing to your emotional distress. Therapy can be a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment and to work through the pain you are experiencing.

In the United States, mental health services are designed to be confidential, meaning that your personal information and the details of your treatment will be kept private. This confidentiality is a fundamental aspect of mental health care, allowing you to speak freely about your experiences and feelings.

If you are hesitant to see a doctor in person, consider starting with a helpline or online therapy services. Many organizations offer support through phone calls or chat services, which can be a less intimidating first step. Additionally, if you are in immediate distress or have thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out to a crisis hotline or emergency services. Your safety is the top priority.

It’s also beneficial to engage in self-care practices that can help alleviate some of the emotional burdens you are carrying. Activities such as journaling, mindfulness meditation, and gentle exercise can provide temporary relief and help you reconnect with your feelings in a healthier way. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends or family members, even if it feels difficult, can also help you feel less isolated.

Lastly, I want to emphasize that recovery is a journey, and it’s okay to take small steps. You don’t have to face this alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your life has value, and there is hope for a brighter future, even if it feels distant right now.

Please take care of yourself, and I urge you to reach out for the support you deserve.

Warm regards,
Doctor Q&A Teams

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