Emotional Control Issues and Violence in Relationships

Emotional regulation issues, violence?

Doctor, my boyfriend is 40 years old, works in insurance sales, and grew up in a single-parent family.
After his parents divorced when he was in junior high, he has lived alone, with custody granted to his father.
However, his father was busy with work, so he has essentially been living independently since junior high.
(There was no history of violence from his parents.) During our conversations, he seems to have a dislike for his mother, who has a bad temper.
He often describes her as someone who gets very angry and yells if he doesn’t comply with her wishes.
He has also mentioned that his mother had an affair and left him after the divorce, which seems to have left him with a lack of understanding towards her.
In our three years together, I have noticed that he is very different in public compared to at home.
He values appearances and how others perceive him, presenting himself as kind and polite in public.
However, at home, he dislikes bathing, enjoys playing video games, and avoids any work-related topics, preferring to engage in activities that do not stress him out.
He has been unemployed for two years and dislikes handling official matters.
He also hates crowded places, prefers to stay home, and is not very talkative, enjoying solitude and disliking disturbances.
He has an inverted sleep schedule, living a day-night cycle that is quite irregular.
(Aside from not expressing weak emotions, negative thoughts, or complaints, I feel that his situation resembles symptoms of depression, but he does not exhibit many overt negative emotions.)
I unexpectedly discovered that he had received treatment for schizophrenia (auditory hallucinations) and emotional regulation issues during his military service.
I did not tell him that I found this information, but when we discussed schizophrenia, he mentioned that it is innate and that brain issues can be cured.
When I asked how he knew this, he did not elaborate.
In our relationship, as long as I go along with his wishes, everything is fine.
However, if I disagree with him, he becomes very stubborn and does not allow others to change his mind.
If we argue, raise our voices (which he calls yelling, similar to his mother), he immediately becomes furious, throws things, or even resorts to physical violence.
His demeanor and actions convey a clear message: "Don’t provoke me; if you do, you will regret it." He believes that his violent reactions are caused by others, and as long as no one provokes him, there will be no issues (no arguments or loud voices).
I have been physically assaulted by him multiple times, with the most severe incident being when he hit me with a table.
When driving, he exhibits dangerous behavior, such as sudden acceleration, swerving, abrupt braking, and tailgating.
He has even attempted to run a red light in heavy traffic, believing that driving aggressively will intimidate others into yielding to him.
All of these actions occur when he is angry.
After calming down, he usually apologizes for his behavior.
Regarding his personality, he prefers that people speak to him calmly.
If someone speaks to him impatiently, he will intentionally do things that annoy them.
He cannot tolerate being yelled at, dislikes complaints, and is very averse to criticism.
He believes that once an issue has passed, it should not be brought up again.
He expects others to follow his lead without issue, but he does not always respect others' requests or concerns, showing no fear of upsetting them.
He feels that if someone gets angry with him, he will respond even more defiantly.
He is very much a "man of the house."
When he is not angry, he can be very pleasant to be around, observant, willing to help with chores, and proactive in his actions.
He dislikes people who only talk without taking action.
I have discussed with him whether he might be unwell and if he should seek a mental health professional to address his violence and emotional regulation issues, as well as to establish a normal sleep schedule.
However, he dismissed my concerns, believing he has no issues and asking me to stop bringing it up.
Recently, his mother has been undergoing chemotherapy for cancer for the past 2-3 years and has moved to Yilan with her new husband for retirement.
One day, after an argument with her husband, she came back to Taipei for treatment and asked my boyfriend to drive her home.
During the drive, they argued; his mother insisted on taking Route A, but he stubbornly chose Route B, which led to her becoming furious.
She yelled at him, and he responded by telling her to calm down and that her personality was the reason she had conflicts with others, including her husband.
This only made her angrier, and she asked him to stop talking, threatening to jump out of the car on the highway.
He continued to insist on speaking, which escalated the situation.
Eventually, his mother lost control and hit him, and he nearly exploded with anger, slamming the car and accelerating aggressively.
I was frightened and asked him to stop, but he told me to be quiet, clearly enraged.
His mother, sensing he might harm me, calmed down slightly.
After a minute or two, he apologized to her, but the atmosphere in the car was very tense.
Afterward, I talked to him about how he responded to his mother, who is sick and emotionally vulnerable.
I expressed my concern that he should have shown more patience, accommodation, and respect, rather than intentionally provoking her.
I wonder if his behavior stems from unresolved feelings about his parents' divorce and his mother's departure.
I would like to ask the doctor: Is it possible that someone who can manage their daily life and appears well-adjusted to outsiders, yet exhibits such behaviors and personality traits, is indeed unwell? Can seeing a doctor improve this situation? Does someone who lives a seemingly normal life really need treatment? If he were to see a doctor, could I help him schedule an appointment and describe his situation to the physician, and would that be a feasible approach for obtaining medication or any necessary treatment?

Lili, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/06/23

Dr. Zhang Fangrong reply Psychiatry

Dear Sir/Madam,
Based on the description in your letter, I would like to address several aspects regarding your boyfriend that require attention, including his daily routine, work situation, emotional stability, and impulsive or violent behaviors.
The medical aspect will first involve assessment and diagnosis, followed by appropriate treatment.
The most challenging part is his low willingness to seek medical care; without the individual's cooperation, treatment is essentially impossible.
Moreover, even if medication is prescribed, he is reluctant to take it.
It is positive that he is willing to interact with and care for his mother, although there may be some friction in that process.
Regarding your interactions with him, I suspect he may not be very open to making adjustments.
I need to remind you to be cautious of his emotional fluctuations and impulsive or violent behaviors.
You might consider having a procedure in place for documenting injuries during violent incidents and reporting domestic violence to create legal evidence and apply for a protection order.
This could provide you with legal safeguards.
For issues related to domestic violence, please consult the Social Affairs Bureau's Domestic Violence Prevention Center.
Wishing you good health,
Chang Fang-Rong
General Psychiatry
Chia-Nan Psychiatric Hospital

Reply Date: 2017/06/23

More Info

Understanding emotional control issues and violence in relationships is a complex topic that often intertwines psychological, social, and familial factors. Based on the details you've provided about your boyfriend's background and behavior, it appears that he may be exhibiting signs of emotional dysregulation, which can manifest in aggressive behaviors, particularly when he feels challenged or disrespected.
From a psychological perspective, individuals who grow up in unstable family environments, such as those with parental divorce or conflict, may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. Your boyfriend's experiences with his mother, who he describes as having a volatile temperament, could have contributed to his own emotional responses. His tendency to react aggressively when faced with opposition or criticism may stem from a learned behavior where he feels that aggression is a means to assert control or dominance in a situation.

The fact that he has a history of mental health issues, including treatment for schizophrenia and emotional control problems, further complicates the situation. While schizophrenia is primarily characterized by symptoms such as hallucinations and delusions, emotional dysregulation can also be a component of various mental health disorders, including personality disorders. His behavior—such as the inability to accept differing opinions, the propensity for explosive anger, and the subsequent remorse—suggests a struggle with impulse control and emotional management.

In relationships, these dynamics can lead to cycles of conflict and reconciliation, which can be emotionally exhausting for both partners. It’s crucial to recognize that while he may not perceive his behavior as problematic, the impact on you and the relationship is significant. His refusal to seek help or acknowledge the need for change is a common barrier in such situations. Many individuals with emotional control issues may not recognize the severity of their behavior or may feel that seeking help is a sign of weakness.

Regarding your concerns about whether he needs treatment, it is essential to understand that mental health treatment can be beneficial for anyone experiencing emotional distress or behavioral issues, regardless of whether they perceive themselves as "sick." Therapy can provide him with tools to manage his emotions, improve communication skills, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for instance, is effective in helping individuals recognize and alter negative thought patterns and behaviors.

If he is resistant to seeking help, it may be beneficial to approach the topic gently, emphasizing that therapy is not about labeling him as "sick" but rather about enhancing his quality of life and relationships. You might suggest that he consider therapy as a means to better understand himself and improve his interactions with others, including you.

As for your question about whether you can help him seek treatment, it is possible to assist him in finding a therapist or making an appointment. However, it is crucial that he is willing to participate in the process. Coercing someone into therapy can lead to resistance and may not yield positive outcomes. If he is open to the idea, you can support him by researching therapists, offering to accompany him to appointments, or even discussing what he might expect from therapy.

In conclusion, while your boyfriend may present as functioning well in many aspects of life, his emotional control issues and aggressive behaviors indicate that he could benefit from professional help. Encouraging him to seek therapy, while respecting his autonomy, may lead to significant improvements in his emotional well-being and the health of your relationship.

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