Struggling with Sexual Identity: Navigating Feelings for Both Genders - Psychiatry

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I don't want to be gay?


I have a girl I like and want to date her, but I also have sexual desires for men.
I watch male-male sexual activities, but I don't want to identify as gay, and my family is very opposed to homosexuality, which adds to my stress.
I think about this every night.
I have liked many girls before, but I have never liked any boys.
What should I do?

Wang Enquan, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/12/08

Dr. Zhong Mingxun reply Psychiatry


During the process of growth, it is natural to experience curiosity and confusion.
There is no need to view the growth process solely as a means to an end.
It is advisable to go with the flow.
If you still feel very anxious, you might consider visiting a mental health professional to undergo an assessment that can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

Reply Date: 2017/12/08

More Info


Navigating sexual identity can be a complex and often confusing journey, especially when you find yourself attracted to multiple genders. It’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid and that many people experience similar struggles. The first step in understanding your sexual identity is to acknowledge that sexual orientation exists on a spectrum. This means that it is entirely possible to have attractions to both males and females without fitting neatly into one category, such as heterosexual or homosexual.

From what you've described, it seems you have feelings for a girl and also experience sexual desire towards boys. This dual attraction can indicate that you might identify as bisexual, which is a term used to describe someone who is attracted to more than one gender. However, it’s also important to note that labels can sometimes feel restrictive, and it’s perfectly okay to take your time in figuring out what feels right for you.

Your concern about not wanting to be labeled as homosexual is understandable, especially given the societal pressures and family expectations you mentioned. It’s common for individuals to feel conflicted when their attractions do not align with their family’s beliefs or societal norms. This pressure can lead to feelings of anxiety and confusion, as you may feel compelled to conform to a specific identity that doesn’t resonate with your true feelings.

It’s essential to create a safe space for yourself where you can explore your feelings without judgment. Journaling can be a helpful tool for processing your thoughts and emotions. Write down your experiences, feelings, and any questions you may have about your identity. This practice can help clarify your thoughts and may lead to a deeper understanding of your attractions.

Additionally, consider seeking support from friends or communities that are open-minded and accepting of diverse sexual orientations. Online forums, LGBTQ+ support groups, or even therapy can provide a safe environment to discuss your feelings and experiences. Speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in sexual identity can be particularly beneficial, as they can offer guidance and support tailored to your situation.

It’s also worth mentioning that sexual attraction can be fluid. Many people find that their attractions evolve over time, and that’s completely normal. You may find that your feelings for different genders change as you grow and experience new relationships. Allow yourself the freedom to explore these feelings without the pressure of having to label yourself immediately.

Lastly, remember that your worth is not defined by your sexual orientation or the opinions of others. It’s okay to take your time in understanding your identity, and it’s perfectly fine to embrace the complexity of your feelings. You are not alone in this journey, and there are many resources and communities available to support you as you navigate your sexual identity. Embrace your feelings, be patient with yourself, and remember that it’s okay to be a work in progress.

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