the Struggle: Finding Purpose in Life and Mental Health

It's been a long time, and I can't figure out why people live?

Hello, doctor.
I would like to ask you some questions.
Since middle school, I have been pondering the purpose of life.
After death, we take nothing with us and won't remember anything, so why should we strive and work hard while we are alive? Eventually, I came to the conclusion, although I feel it may not be the right answer, that life is for others.
If I were to die, no one would be sad, and I would immediately consider ending my life.
However, I know my parents would be disappointed and my sister would be hurt, so I can't go through with it.
I have always thought this way.
My school life is generally fine; I interact with classmates and have fun like everyone else.
But I soon realized that I lack my own personality.
I often find myself unconsciously adopting the speech patterns and mannerisms of those I find interesting.
I doubt whether I have my own identity; I feel like I lack a self.
I often play the role of a people-pleaser, always putting others first because I believe life is for others, so I might as well do it thoroughly.
Everyone has people they dislike, and I do too, but I now think that my dislike stems from my inability to accept their behavior or other aspects.
Ultimately, it reflects my own issues.
If I could accept them, would I not feel discomfort? Gradually, I have come to internalize all the mistakes, leading to self-harm, feeling despicable for blaming others.
Self-harm has become a habit; when I'm unhappy, I resort to it, and seeing blood makes me feel happy for reasons I don't understand—perhaps I find it beautiful.
I often search for images of corpses online, and looking at them improves my mood, though I don't know why.
I might truly be unwell.
Whenever I think about these things, I feel strange and contradictory.
I don't understand myself; sometimes I think one way, and sometimes another.
I might be going crazy, and I want to see a psychologist.
Perhaps seeing one would change my world, but my health insurance card is with my parents, and I have no money and don't want to tell them I feel unwell.
In front of my classmates and parents, I appear to be a cheerful and carefree person who doesn't care about my own issues but genuinely cares for others.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I were the only person in the world, free from comparison and emotional connections, but that's impossible.
So, I think it would be better if I weren't in this world at all.
However, I am alive, and I have to take responsibility for those I have emotional ties to.
I feel strange and contradictory.
This text is just a stream of consciousness, so there may be many odd parts; I hope you can understand.
Thank you.

Huang Tongxue, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/12/10

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
The text reveals long-term negative emotions and self-harming behaviors.
I hope you can cherish yourself, just as your questions indicate a desire for better mental and physical health.
It seems you are also confused about self-identity.
I recommend that you consult a mental health professional (what you referred to as a psychologist) as soon as possible.
If that's not convenient, please reach out to the Zhang Teacher (1980) or the Lifeline (1995) hotline.
They can also provide counseling, consultation, and referral services to help you address your concerns.

Reply Date: 2017/12/10

More Info

Your reflections on life, purpose, and mental health reveal a deep struggle that many individuals face at various points in their lives. It’s commendable that you are seeking to understand these feelings and thoughts, as this is often the first step toward healing and finding clarity.
Firstly, it’s important to recognize that questioning the purpose of life is a common experience. Many people grapple with existential questions, especially during challenging times. The notion that life may seem meaningless or that we are living for others rather than ourselves can lead to feelings of despair. However, it’s crucial to understand that your life has intrinsic value, independent of how others perceive it or how you feel about yourself at any given moment.

The feelings of self-doubt and the struggle with identity that you describe—such as feeling like you lack your own personality and often adopting the traits of others—are not uncommon. This can stem from a desire to fit in or be liked, but it can also lead to a sense of losing oneself. It’s vital to explore who you are outside of your interactions with others. Engaging in activities that you enjoy, pursuing hobbies, or even journaling can help you reconnect with your own identity and interests.

Your mention of self-harm as a coping mechanism is particularly concerning. Self-harm often arises from a place of emotional pain and can provide a temporary release, but it is not a healthy or sustainable way to cope with distress. It’s essential to seek help from a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance. While you mentioned concerns about discussing your feelings with your parents, it’s important to prioritize your mental health. Many communities offer resources for young people, including counseling services that may not require parental consent.
You also expressed feelings of being a burden to others and a desire to disappear. These thoughts can be incredibly heavy and isolating. It’s crucial to remember that your existence matters, and the impact of your life extends beyond what you may perceive. The connections you have with family and friends, even if they feel strained or complicated, are significant.
If you find it difficult to talk to someone in person, consider online resources or hotlines where you can express your feelings anonymously. Many organizations provide support for individuals struggling with mental health issues, and they can offer a safe space to discuss your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Lastly, it’s important to challenge the negative thoughts that arise about yourself. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic approach that can help individuals reframe their thoughts and develop healthier coping strategies. While it may seem daunting, taking small steps toward understanding and addressing your feelings can lead to significant changes over time.

In conclusion, your journey toward understanding your purpose and mental health is ongoing, and it’s okay to seek help along the way. You are not alone in this struggle, and there are resources and people who can support you. Remember, it’s okay to reach out for help, and doing so can be a powerful step toward healing and self-discovery.

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