Borderline Personality Disorder: Causes and Concerns - Psychiatry

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. Individuals with BPD often experience intense emotions and have difficulty managing their feelings, leading to impulsive actions and challenges in maintaining stable relationships. The potential causes of BPD are believed to be

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Hello, I accidentally discovered the concept of Borderline Personality Disorder and feel that my past issues seem to align somewhat with this disorder, but I'm not sure how to ask about it.
I also question the credibility of the information I find online...
According to the DSM-5, there are at least six criteria, and after reading the descriptions, I feel like I relate to almost all of them...
Or is it that everyone feels this way? (I apologize; I know doctors dislike it when people Google their conditions...) It’s frustrating to not know what’s wrong with me, and I’ve been troubled by these issues since middle school.
I started self-harming back then, initially not knowing why, but it gradually became a habit.
There was a time when I accidentally hurt myself deeply and bled profusely; that memory is something I can’t shake off.
I know that the scars will lead to further complications, so I have to wear accessories, dress in long sleeves, and be careful not to let my family or classmates see, among other things.
I often secretly consume too much food, usually carbohydrates, when I’m alone.
Yet, this leads to feelings of guilt about gaining weight, and the cycle of regret deepens as I can’t seem to stop.
These two issues haunt me like a nightmare.

As time passes, I feel like I’m facing even more problems than before.
The unknown, anxiety, pain, loneliness, worry, exhaustion, and emptiness seem to have intensified, making it feel like there’s a black hole in my chest.
I don’t know how to cope; sometimes I experience insomnia, and other times I feel sleepy early.
Sometimes I can’t eat much, while at other times I overeat, often consuming more than two meals’ worth of food in one sitting.
These feelings seem to come and go randomly.
During particularly difficult times, pretending to be okay is exhausting, and I often feel uncomfortable and just want to escape the crowd and go home.
I frequently feel inexplicably uneasy; even when I’m not deeply sad, I at least don’t think about dying every day.
I feel like it’s impossible to navigate this world alone, yet there’s no one I can rely on.
Even when I occasionally make friends, I cherish those moments, but I can quickly become annoyed with them over trivial matters.
I long for someone to accept me; otherwise, I really don’t want to continue living.

In the past, I was taken to a psychiatrist by my family due to self-harm.
I didn’t know what to say and couldn’t trust the doctor, especially since I felt forced to go.
I sensed that my parents thought I was a failure and needed correction.
I was told my issues were merely due to poor academic performance and that I had mild ADHD.
I seriously questioned whether I had ADHD, but I don’t believe I do.
I was also punished and scolded for self-harming.
Eventually, I chose to hide it from them.
I’ve been to numerous counseling sessions and various places, including deceptive counseling rooms and expensive therapy offices.
Recently, I thought visiting my school’s counseling center might help me understand myself better.
Perhaps it’s because I can’t articulate my feelings or be honest; I struggle to trust unfamiliar people and usually don’t want to say anything.

Recently, I attempted to express my issues regarding self-harm, binge eating, interpersonal relationships, and suicidal thoughts at the counseling center, but the response I received was simply: “You lack goals in life, and you fear people and the emotional scars that interpersonal interactions can bring.” It feels like no one truly cares about others; everyone ultimately thinks of themselves and what’s best for them.
I’m constantly afraid of this and that, navigating relationships with trepidation.
It’s exhausting and frightening, and lying is such a painful experience...
I always reflect on what I did wrong and wonder why I can’t just live happily and carefree, but no matter how I think about it, I don’t know.
Perhaps all the problems are just mine.
I don’t think it’s helpful to ask someone who doesn’t know what tomorrow holds to contemplate life goals.
Each day feels so lonely and empty; I keep telling myself not to eat too much to avoid gaining weight and to stop self-harming.
Just managing my issues leaves me utterly drained.
I don’t want to do anything, yet I have to; even when I feel like I’m dying inside, I still have to push through.
I feel like the only way to resolve my troubles is through death, as I don’t believe I can find someone who will accept and love me, someone who will accompany me on this journey.

I only feel like things are getting worse, with more problems piling up.
My family is unwilling to understand, and my current academic situation is overwhelming.
I wish I could quit and try a different life that might improve my situation, perhaps meet someone new.
As I continue studying, I feel like I’m just gathering information on mortality rates, methods, and success rates, and I’m convinced I’ll find a way to end my life properly.
Yet, I also feel utterly drained of energy to try a new life; even at home, I have to engage in social interactions.
Only when I’m alone do I have the space to break down.
But even then, it’s futile; tomorrow I have to wake up again...
If this is just a case of complaining without a real issue, perhaps that would be easier.
But if that’s the case, then maybe I shouldn’t even try; the problem is still me, my stubbornness, my misguided belief that counseling or psychiatry can solve my problems, and even my tendency to only express these thoughts online.
I don’t know; if I could understand more, would it alleviate my suffering? I’m sorry for writing so much; perhaps I can only express myself through text, as I find it awkward to speak.
But I don’t know how to articulate it well; there are too many troubles, and I can’t list them all.
Thank you for reading.
(Hands together)

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E, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/04/17