Long-Term Negative Emotions and Thoughts of Death - Psychiatry

Prolonged negative emotions and thoughts of death?

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Hello, Doctor: As the title suggests, I actually don't know how to explain my situation.
I feel that many aspects of my past, including my family, have contributed to my current state, but I often struggle to articulate it.
Since childhood, I've often been lost in thought.
Towards the end of elementary school, I began to feel depressed and engaged in self-harm (which my family later discovered; fearing being seen as abnormal, I became more cautious and did it less).
At that time, I was still young and felt I had to smile in front of everyone, even though I was much less lively than before.
The situation remained similar; in high school, the academic pressure was intense, and there were issues at home (the most vivid memory is the day before a major exam when my father threatened to commit suicide with a rope and a knife.
After I calmed him down, I sat on the stairs, too scared to sleep for a long time).
I continued to self-harm and experienced crying spells, headaches, and vomiting.
Later, I enrolled in a nearby university and returned home weekly.
During the summer of my freshman year, I worked a tiring job, and my father drove me (I have a complicated relationship with him; I know I love him, but I often feel a tug-of-war with resentment).
One day, while dealing with work issues, I pushed him when he called me, causing him to bump into a wooden chair.
I felt guilty and ashamed.
A few days later, while picking up my brother, he suddenly seemed weak (according to my brother).
After returning home, he collapsed in a chair, and my mother took him to the hospital.
This led to a series of events: he was critically ill, briefly regained consciousness, was transferred to another hospital, and I was balancing my studies with taking leave to visit him (I often felt irritable...).
Within a month, he suddenly became critically ill again, and I rushed to the hospital.
In a daze, I followed my brother's lead and signed a DNR order, but I couldn't even cry; I just felt choked up.
Later, I thought I could still feel him breathing and felt I had made the wrong decision, thinking perhaps my push had caused this (the doctors didn't explain clearly, only mentioning a blood clot in his brain and that he had liver disease).
I often felt angry with my mother for coming home the day before and angry with myself.
After that, I appeared more normal, but my situation remained similar.
I worked hard to graduate early, but a year prior, I felt I couldn't go on, no longer wanting to talk to my family, and only interacting with others out of necessity.
I returned home partly because my mother was also unwell, but I couldn't muster a smile for her.
I always felt that my mother thought I should do everything perfectly and that whatever I did was wrong.
I considered seeking psychological counseling at school, but I feared I wouldn't be able to express myself and worried that maybe I was just overthinking things.
Currently, my situation is similar to before (I still have occasional moments of feeling slightly better), but it's more outwardly expressed.
I often feel short of breath, and while I used to crave my favorite foods, my desires have diminished.
Recently, it got so severe that I felt nauseous at the sight of food, and I've started vomiting after meals.
I've been contemplating death, wondering if the balcony is high enough to jump from, and when I see cars on the road, I think about stepping in front of them...
but then I rationally consider the consequences of dying, how it would affect the driver, and what would happen to my mother.
Yet, I also find myself logically listing my savings, thinking that if something were to happen, it might be useful.
I often feel low over trivial matters, crying alone without much tears, feeling like I'm just making excuses for my sadness.
I have no particular expectations for the future; I feel exhausted but look forward to death...
I'm sorry for saying I didn't know how to express myself, yet I ended up writing so much.
I want to ask the doctor if this situation is just me being overly sentimental (as many people say) or overthinking, even though I don't want to feel this way but find it hard to control.

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Zi Yin, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/06/14