Facing Depression and Thoughts of Death: A Personal Journey

My perspective on depression and facing death?

As my thoughts gradually progressed, I brought up the idea of seeing a psychiatrist to my parents during my first year of high school, and I was subsequently diagnosed with depression.
Looking back, I realize that I may have had some issues since kindergarten, as I wrote tragic stories due to family problems at that time, with endings where the whole family died.
During elementary school, although I was the class clown, I was subconsciously planning my own suicide and felt that I could not be happy inside, even when I encountered joyful events.
When I was first diagnosed with depression, I began to confront my thoughts about death, and I felt a bit panicked because it was the first time I realized that my long-held thoughts were actually pathological.
Now, as I approach graduation in my senior year, I have attempted suicide and self-harm during this period.
I feel that I have "progressed" because I can no longer recall what triggered my self-harm or why I did it.
I have also become more like two different people; when I think about wanting to do well and stay calm, another part of me is constantly urging me to die.
Even in daily life, there are voices or a feeling in my mind craving for someone to kill me.
I have also given myself a suggestion that I must die before turning 20.
Interestingly, every time I am about to see a doctor or a counselor, I always forget to discuss this matter with them.
This feeling does not resemble what is commonly referred to as dissociative identity disorder.
In summary, because of this, I have become increasingly indifferent to my own life and death, feeling that following another line of thought is also inconsequential...

Tai Lang, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2019/03/23

Dr. Peng Liyun reply Psychiatry

Hello~ First of all, thank you for being willing to raise questions.
It seems that you have had a difficult journey, which is truly heart-wrenching.
Although you say you have made progress, it is important to properly address and confront negative feelings rather than isolating them.
While this is not easy, you have worked hard for so long and have had the courage to write it down.
I suggest that you bravely discuss this with your physician or psychologist, or communicate with them in writing like this to let them know.
The situation may be complex, but collaborating with professionals will be better than facing it alone.
Wishing you well.
Dr.
Peng Li-yun, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Ping An Chia Nan Psychiatric Hospital.

Reply Date: 2019/03/23

More Info

Facing depression and thoughts of death can be an incredibly challenging journey, especially for a young person navigating the complexities of mental health. Your experience reflects a deep struggle with feelings of hopelessness, self-harm, and suicidal ideation, which are common symptoms of depression. It’s important to understand that these feelings are not uncommon among adolescents, particularly those who have faced significant life stressors, such as family issues or the loss of loved ones.

From your description, it seems that you have been grappling with these feelings for a long time, possibly since childhood. The fact that you recognized the need for help and sought out psychiatric support in high school is a significant step. Acknowledging that you have a mental health condition is crucial in the journey toward healing. Depression can manifest in various ways, including persistent sadness, a lack of interest in activities, and intrusive thoughts about death. It’s essential to recognize that these thoughts and feelings are symptoms of an illness, not a reflection of your worth or potential.

Your experience of feeling like you are living with two different selves—one that wants to push forward and another that is consumed by despair—is a common struggle for those with depression. This internal conflict can be exhausting and confusing. It’s important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. Many people with depression report similar feelings of duality, where they feel torn between wanting to live and the overwhelming urge to escape their pain.

The thoughts of wanting to die or self-harm are serious and should be addressed with a mental health professional. It’s concerning that you have set a mental deadline for yourself regarding your life. This kind of thinking can be indicative of a deeper level of distress and hopelessness. It’s crucial to communicate these thoughts to your therapist or psychiatrist, as they can provide the necessary support and interventions to help you navigate these feelings.

In terms of coping strategies, it’s essential to engage in open and honest discussions with your mental health care providers. Writing down your feelings, as you have done here, can be a helpful way to express what you’re going through. Consider bringing your writings to your therapy sessions to facilitate discussion. Additionally, exploring therapeutic options such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be beneficial. CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors, which can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Moreover, engaging in activities that promote well-being, such as exercise, mindfulness, and creative outlets, can also be beneficial. These activities can help shift your focus away from negative thoughts and provide a sense of accomplishment and joy. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family members who understand your struggles can also provide a vital support system.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that recovery from depression is a process that takes time. There will be ups and downs, and it’s okay to seek help when you need it. Your life is valuable, and there is hope for a brighter future. By continuing to seek help and being open about your feelings, you are taking important steps toward healing. Please consider reaching out to your mental health provider to discuss your current feelings and thoughts about death and self-harm. You deserve support and care as you navigate this difficult journey.

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