Navigating Sexual Orientation Doubts: Your Feelings

Sexual orientation issues

Hello, Doctor! Recently, I've been constantly questioning my sexual orientation.
Until now, I believed I was heterosexual, but about a month before my major exams, I started to think of myself as homosexual.
However, in more relaxed situations, I don't feel this way.
This has happened intermittently two or three times, and after finishing my exams, this feeling has intensified.
When I think about this issue, I feel anxious and nauseous, and at times, I even want to escape the current environment.

Since childhood, my personality has been more masculine, and my friends have suggested that I might be homosexual or bisexual.
In the fifth and sixth grades of elementary school, I began to fantasize about having a boyfriend.
Before fifth grade, most of my friends were male.
Recently, I've also noticed that when I have something on my mind, I tend to think of my same-gender friends first.
I'm slowly becoming confused about which gender I am attracted to and questioning whether my previous thoughts and behaviors indicate a homosexual tendency.

I would like to ask the doctor if my situation truly indicates that I am homosexual or bisexual, or if it is just excessive thinking and worry.

xuesheng, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2020/06/22

Dr. Wang Yazhen reply Psychiatry

Dear student,
You are taking your situation very seriously, which is commendable, and I understand that it can be quite concerning for you.
First of all, the notion of having a "boyish personality" inherently categorizes personality traits as male or female.
In reality, personality does not have a gender; it can be said that certain traits are more commonly associated with males, while others are more often seen in females.
However, it is perfectly normal for these traits to appear in individuals of any gender.
For instance, we often perceive boys as being more outgoing, lively, and less meticulous, but these characteristics can also be present in girls.
Additionally, having an attraction to males or females cannot be directly classified as homosexuality or bisexuality.
During childhood development, it is common to experience phases of fascination with one’s mother or father, as well as periods of wanting to be close to same-sex friends, followed by curiosity about the opposite sex.
These experiences should not be used to determine sexual orientation.
Typically, our personality and emotional development mature after the age of 20, so I suggest not to worry too much.
Enjoy your high school life and take note of your changes.
If you still have many concerns, consider seeking help from your school counseling office!

Reply Date: 2020/06/22

More Info

Navigating doubts about sexual orientation can be a complex and often distressing experience, especially during formative years when individuals are trying to understand themselves and their feelings. It’s important to recognize that questioning one’s sexual orientation is a normal part of human development and can happen at any age, particularly during adolescence and early adulthood when individuals are exploring their identities.

From what you’ve described, it seems you are experiencing a mix of anxiety and confusion regarding your sexual orientation. You mentioned that you previously identified as heterosexual but have recently started to question whether you might be homosexual or bisexual. This kind of self-exploration is common, and many people go through similar phases of questioning. It’s essential to approach this exploration with patience and self-compassion.

Your feelings of anxiety and discomfort when thinking about your sexual orientation are valid. It’s not uncommon for individuals to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to label themselves, especially in a society that often emphasizes binary categories of sexual orientation. The fact that you feel more at ease in relaxed situations suggests that your anxiety may be tied to external pressures or expectations rather than your true feelings.

It’s also worth noting that sexual attraction can be fluid. Many people find that their attractions change over time or that they are attracted to different genders at different points in their lives. The key is to focus on your feelings rather than trying to fit into a specific label. You mentioned that you have had fantasies about having a boyfriend in the past and that you have predominantly male friends, which could indicate a level of comfort with same-sex attraction. However, it’s equally important to acknowledge that your past experiences do not define your current or future attractions.

The feelings of nausea and the urge to escape when contemplating your sexual orientation may indicate a deeper level of anxiety. This could be related to fear of societal judgment, internalized homophobia, or simply the stress of navigating such a significant aspect of your identity. It might be beneficial to explore these feelings further, perhaps with a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to discuss your thoughts and emotions without judgment.

Engaging in open conversations with trusted friends or family members about your feelings can also be helpful. Sometimes, sharing your thoughts can alleviate some of the burdens of anxiety and help you gain perspective. Remember, you are not alone in this journey; many individuals have navigated similar paths and have come to understand their identities in ways that feel authentic to them.

In conclusion, questioning your sexual orientation is a natural part of self-discovery. It’s essential to give yourself the grace to explore these feelings without rushing to label yourself. Focus on what feels right for you, and consider seeking support from professionals or communities that understand and affirm diverse sexual orientations. Ultimately, the most important aspect is to be true to yourself and to embrace your journey of self-exploration with kindness and patience.

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