Feeling dirty about oneself?
Hello, doctor: I previously had a very chaotic relationship with a boyfriend, and we haven't been together for many years.
Recently, I went for a sexually transmitted infection (STI) test, and despite being a person who values cleanliness and does not engage in casual encounters, the results confirmed that I have an STI.
I have both herpes simplex virus type 1 and type 2—type 1 being oral herpes and type 2 being genital herpes.
I find it very hard to cope and often cry, as I live with my family and fear transmitting the virus to them.
I spend 3 to 5 hours a day showering, and I have to clean the bathing products and the toilet showerhead I use.
I constantly feel dirty, and I cry while showering.
I dread using the restroom; it takes me at least 20 minutes because I have to clean the toilet, and washing my hands afterward takes over 10 minutes, leaving my hands dry and wrinkled.
I feel that anything that touches my genital area, like my underwear, is dirty, and just washing my underwear takes 20 minutes.
Even when I dry off after a shower, I feel disgusted by the water running down my inner thighs.
I am exhausted and often have thoughts of self-harm.
I want to return to being a normal person, but I don't know how.
I constantly feel dirty and question why I contracted this STI.
I long for relief; I don't want to spend so much time cleaning—it’s truly painful, and I always feel dirty.
What should I do? I feel like I am on the brink of destruction.
Xiao Yu, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/01/05
Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry
Hello, Xiao Yu: Thank you for your hard work! Although being infected with herpes can be quite distressing, I hope you understand that herpes is actually a very common condition.
Many people carry the herpes virus, but it typically becomes active when a person's immune system weakens.
According to statistics from the United States in 2015-2016, the prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) infection was 47.8%, while the prevalence of herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) infection was 11.9%.
This means that nearly half of Americans have been infected with HSV-1, and about 1 in 8 to 9 Americans have been infected with HSV-2.
Although there are no official statistics in Taiwan, Dr.
Chen Wei-Bao conducted a study with 300 participants, showing that 85% had been infected with HSV-1 and 12.3% with HSV-2.
The purpose of these statistics is to help you understand that herpes virus infections are quite common.
Perhaps you were not infected by your boyfriend; it is possible that you were infected earlier without knowing it, and your immune system kept it from becoming active, which is the case for most people.
I recommend that if you are concerned about transmitting the virus to your family, you consult an infectious disease specialist.
Generally, outside of acute phases, the risk of transmission is low.
Additionally, if you continue to feel troubled about your cleanliness or have thoughts of self-harm, I strongly suggest seeking help from a mental health professional to assist you in addressing your current concerns.
Wishing you peace and joy.
Reply Date: 2021/01/05
More Info
It sounds like you are going through an incredibly challenging time after your STD diagnosis, particularly with feelings of dirtiness and compulsive cleaning behaviors. It's important to acknowledge that these feelings and behaviors can be overwhelming, but there is help available.
Firstly, it's crucial to understand that having a sexually transmitted infection (STI) does not define your worth or character. STIs are common, and many people experience them at some point in their lives. The feelings of shame and dirtiness you are experiencing are often linked to societal stigma surrounding STIs, which can exacerbate feelings of guilt and anxiety. It's essential to remind yourself that you are not alone in this experience, and many individuals face similar challenges.
Your compulsive cleaning behaviors and the distress you feel about cleanliness may indicate a condition known as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD can manifest in various ways, including intrusive thoughts about contamination and the need to perform certain rituals to alleviate anxiety. In your case, the fear of transmitting the infection to your family and the overwhelming need to clean everything you touch are signs that your anxiety is manifesting in compulsive behaviors.
Here are some steps you can take to address your feelings and behaviors:
1. Seek Professional Help: It's vital to consult with a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety disorders or OCD. They can provide you with a proper diagnosis and develop a treatment plan tailored to your needs. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for OCD and can help you manage your thoughts and behaviors.
2. Medication: In some cases, medication may be prescribed to help manage anxiety and OCD symptoms. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are commonly used to treat these conditions and can help reduce the intensity of your symptoms.
3. Support Groups: Consider joining a support group for individuals dealing with STIs or OCD. Sharing your experiences with others who understand what you're going through can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.
4. Education: Educating yourself about STIs can help demystify the condition and reduce feelings of shame. Understanding that STIs are treatable and manageable can empower you to take control of your health.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: It's essential to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and remind yourself that it's okay to seek help. Practicing self-compassion can help alleviate some of the guilt and shame you may be feeling.
6. Limit Compulsive Behaviors: While it may be challenging, try to gradually reduce the time spent on cleaning rituals. Setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of control over your behaviors. For example, you could start by limiting your shower time or reducing the number of items you clean after using the bathroom.
7. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Engaging in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help you manage anxiety and reduce the urge to engage in compulsive behaviors. These techniques can help ground you in the present moment and alleviate feelings of distress.
8. Communicate with Family: If you feel comfortable, consider discussing your concerns with your family. Educating them about your situation can help alleviate some of your fears about transmission and create a supportive environment.
Remember, healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help. You deserve to feel better and regain control over your life. Please reach out to a mental health professional to begin your journey toward recovery.
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