Struggling with Grief: Living in the Shadow of Loss and Regret

Q: Struggling with Grief: Living in the Shadow of Loss and Regret

Hello, internet user： These feelings of guilt, anger, and resentment can cause significant disruptions in your life. <br>It is advisable to discuss these issues with a psychiatrist or psychologist who has been caring for you long-term. <br>Clinically, I have seen many individuals

Living in the past?

Hello, doctor.
I have been suffering from a mental illness for over 20 years, starting from when I was 20 years old.
My mother passed away in 2007, and I have been unable to move on! Over a decade has passed, and I am still living in the past, especially during the time when my mother was dying and until her funeral.
I know I should look to the future, but I just can't! I understand there are many things I need to accomplish; otherwise, the future will seem bleak and disappointing.
To be honest, I am still very much dependent on my mother! I didn't have to serve in the military, so no one has ever told me what it means to mature.
Unfortunately, when my mother was dying, I wasn't by her side to support her, and I foolishly thought that her terminal cancer could be cured through dietary therapy, allowing her to continue living! What was I thinking at that time! From the moment my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer until her death, six months passed.
During that time, I was not a good son and did things that caused my parents pain! For example, I changed psychiatrists and medications, but even after taking the medication, my emotions remained unstable! As a result, I had conflicts with my supervisor at work, and all the employees (including the boss) resented me, leading to my bicycle being severely damaged the next day! I am an unfilial son, always doing things that make my parents sad.
Even when my mother took her last breath, she kept saying, "unfilial! unfilial!" I really have no right to be sad about my mother's death! But I can't bear the thought of her leaving.
At first, I waited at home every day for my mother to return, even though I knew she would never come back! I even fantasized about one day, when I am alone, secretly bringing my mother's urn home so we would never be apart.
Then I could talk to her every day! I know my mother wouldn't be happy about this; she suffered, and I suffer along with her! But I really want to do this.
Especially on the day my mother passed away, I desperately wanted to avoid handling her body or preparing her for burial, just doing preservation so we could be together forever! I find it incredibly hard to let go! Not to mention moving on! Every time I think about the time surrounding my mother's death, I am overwhelmed with sadness! My mother has been gone for over a decade! Especially those scoundrels who wronged her while she was alive; I want to confront each one of them! At worst, I would drag them to the execution ground to settle things.
In the end, everyone dies; we all meet the same fate.
Even if I gain a bad reputation, I want to make those scoundrels pay! Revenge has become my current goal.
Revenge is my hope for living right now.
Otherwise, I really want to go to my mother, but I don't want to commit suicide.
Don't tell me that revenge won't bring happiness, but at least I want those people to experience the sorrow of death! From my past experiences to my mother's death and now, I have gone from being religious to being an atheist.
I have always believed that if there were a God, my mother wouldn't have died such a tragic death! In the future, after my father passes away, if I am still alive, my family will not have any deities, including Jesus, only ancestral tablets.

A-Yao, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/06/29

Dr. Wu Enliang reply Psychiatry

Hello, internet user: These feelings of guilt, anger, and resentment can cause significant disruptions in your life.
It is advisable to discuss these issues with a psychiatrist or psychologist who has been caring for you long-term.
Clinically, I have seen many individuals improve their emotional well-being after treatment.
Wishing you a swift return to a happier state of mind.
Dr.
Wu En-Liang

Reply Date: 2021/06/29

More Info

Dealing with grief, especially after the loss of a loved one, can be an incredibly challenging and complex journey. Your experience of losing your mother over a decade ago and still feeling trapped in that grief is not uncommon. Many people find themselves struggling with feelings of regret, guilt, and a sense of unresolved issues long after a loved one has passed away.
It’s important to acknowledge that grief is not a linear process; it can ebb and flow, and it often resurfaces unexpectedly. The feelings you describe—regret for not being there for your mother during her final moments, the desire to have done more, and the anger towards those who may have hurt her—are all part of the grieving process. These emotions can be overwhelming, and it’s understandable that you feel stuck in the past.

You mentioned feeling like a "mama's boy" and struggling with maturity. This self-perception can be tied to the deep bond you had with your mother. Losing that connection can leave a void that is difficult to fill. It’s also common to feel a sense of guilt for not having been the perfect child, especially when reflecting on past actions that may have caused her pain. However, it’s crucial to recognize that you were also navigating your own struggles, including mental health issues, which can complicate relationships and emotional responses.

The desire for revenge against those who you believe wronged your mother is a powerful emotion. While it’s natural to feel anger and a desire for justice, it’s essential to consider the impact that these feelings have on your well-being. Holding onto anger can be a heavy burden, and it may prevent you from moving forward in your life. Instead of seeking revenge, it might be more beneficial to channel that energy into something constructive, such as honoring your mother’s memory in a positive way. This could involve engaging in activities that she loved, volunteering, or even advocating for causes that resonate with her legacy.

You also expressed a desire to keep your mother close, even in death, which reflects the depth of your love and attachment. While it’s understandable to want to maintain that connection, it’s important to find a way to do so that allows you to heal rather than remain in a state of longing. Consider creating a space in your home where you can remember her—perhaps with photos, mementos, or even a journal where you can write letters to her. This can provide a sense of closeness while also allowing you to process your feelings.

Therapy can be a valuable resource in navigating these complex emotions. A mental health professional can help you work through your grief, guilt, and anger in a safe environment. They can provide coping strategies and support as you learn to integrate your loss into your life in a healthier way. It’s never too late to seek help, and doing so can be a significant step towards finding peace.

Lastly, it’s essential to practice self-compassion. You are not defined by your past actions or regrets. Acknowledging your feelings and allowing yourself to grieve is a vital part of healing. Remember that it’s okay to seek joy and fulfillment in your life, even while carrying the memory of your mother with you. Life is a balance of holding onto memories while also creating new ones.
In summary, your journey through grief is deeply personal and complex. It’s filled with a mix of love, regret, anger, and longing. While it may feel overwhelming at times, there are paths to healing that can help you find meaning and purpose beyond your loss. Seeking support, finding ways to honor your mother, and allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions are all important steps in moving forward.

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